any advice would be lovely :)

lostandalone

This is my first post.

I don’t really know where to start. I guess the beginning is a good place.

I met my OH nearly 2 years ago and from the time I met him, I knew he was confident, funny and very sociable. I liked that about him. We moved in together after a few months (quick I know) and apart from the odd disagreement, things were fantastic.

His flirtatious ways with the ladies always bugged me, but I bit my tongue (mostly) and thought it would never go any further than playful banter.

Not the most ideal situation, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that he would calm down eventually.

Then, around the end of last year I found out that he had been having an affair since the beginning of our relationship.

After his affair (it had ended by the time I found out), we worked through our problems and the past 6 months have mostly been great (apart from the odd house work / money rows).

Now I find again that he is becoming complacent with our relationship. I don’t think that he is having an affair again as I know he’s truly sorry for what happened and he’s rarely out of my sight (he’s quite clingy since the end of last year). The only problem now is that every thing in our lives together is a power struggle.

He argues with me, picks every single word I say and pulls them apart. But what upsets me more than anything is that he doesn’t listen.
I’ll rephrase that.
He listens to what he wants to, forgets the rest, and pulls everything out of context creating really awful situations.

Last night after dinner with friends, on the way home, we were discussing a festival we are going to with a large group of friends soon. My OH is constantly attached to his mobile and I suggested that we have one weekend where we turn our mobiles off and leave them in the tents / leave the batteries in the tents, as I thought it would be great to make the festival site our world for the weekend.
He got so angry with me saying that he needed his mobile at all times (I don’t know why) and that it was a silly idea.
All I tried to suggest is that we do things the way they were before the days of mobiles and agree to meet with friends etc at certain times and places in the morning before we all left the tents for the day.

Skip to this morning and he carried on and on arguing whilst I’m trying to get ready for work and ended up saying to me ‘why don’t you go home?” referring to my parents’ house. He then said ‘I want you to leave.’ He left for work and I’ve heard nothing.

I don’t really know what to do. Any of your thoughts would be great. I don’t want to leave and think this had blown out of proportion, but if he wants me to leave, what can I do?

Sorry for ‘banging on’ as my OH likes to say.

belfastgirl23

I just wanted to say that power struggles are quite common in the first few years of a relationship. It takes quite a while to figure out the types of behaviour that can change by learning and the parts that are just so integral to someone's personality that they can't be changed.

The other thing is that after an affair there is a lot of stuff to work through. He might be feeling so angry with himself for how he has treated you that it would almost be easier to walk away than to keep feeling like this.

In terms of him saying he'd like you to leave, is this the kind of thing you would say in a row anyway? Or would it be very unusual for him to say it? Either it's something he just felt at that moment (but doesn't usually feel) or something he's been working up to for a while. Only you/he can know which is more likely. You need to have a good calm talk to him to see what is happening. The other thing is that I often find when my DH is off with me or picking things apart like this the basis of the problem is nothing to do with me at all. It's something at work or his family or something and he isn't dealing wiht it so he's taking it out on me. I can usually find a way to talk to him and figure out what the basis of the problem is, but if I went at it directly it would just be a huge row and he'd never talk about what the problem is.

Finally, it might be worth thinking about going to Relate if it is a longer term problem.

Good luck. It's horrible starting the day on a row!

peardrops_2

((((((((hugs)))))))))

Obviously not knowing you I can't comment specifically but to be honest it sounds like maybe a break is in order. I've never been in this position myself.

Has he asked you to leave before now? Is it a regular threat? If not then obviously you need to sit down with him and agree a way forward.

Alikay

It looks to me like you've slipped into the roles of "mother" (you, being sensible, reasonable and more in control - hence you wanting to implement the mobile phone ban) and "child" (him -struggling to gain the upper hand, twisting words, picking rows, but still clingy and demanding at times).
At the beginning the balance of power was different -he was the confident outgoing one whilst you were the one who put up with things and was tricked by his deceit.

Maybe he preferred it the other way and likes being in control!!! Perhaps there's a way that could be achieved, but bearing in mind his monumental abuse of your trust, I'd doubt you'd want to!

He doesnt sound particularly nice, and I wouldn't want my daughter to be with him but I'm sure that you also see a better side of him. I hope you sort out a way to be happy with or without him, but please don't put up with behaviour that makes you feel worthless. (((hugs)))

lostandalone

thanks so much for taking the time to reply.
I did go back to my folks house for a short time after his affair and we started dating again, which was great fun. Then I moved back home.

It's not something he usually says when we argue, in fact, I've never heard him tell me to leave.

I don't think he's serious, but I can't keep having these power struggles all the time. It just seems that I take the time to listen to his veiws and take them on board even if I don't agree with them, but when it comes to my turn to tell him my feeling / views he doesn't want to listen.

Because I was getting ready for work I said 'this really isn't the best time to talk about this' to which his reply was 'you're just stone walling everything.' and 'what's the point in carrying this on if you're going to be like this?'

It's almost as if, there is a right time for HIM to talk, and I have to listen, but as soon as I seem to stand up for myself, I'm 'stonewalling' and being stubborn. I just needed to get to work!!!

I said to him this morning that if what he really wants is for us to split, then I can't change how he feels and I'm not going to beg him to stay. If he wants to end it, then I'm not stopping him. To which he accused me of not caring.
Believe me, after everything he's done to me, I DO care, otherwise I wouldn't still be there. I said this to him and all he said was 'I know that'.

oh, I just don't know what to do. Maybe it's just a big row that blow over, but I can't and don't want to keep fighting with him and struggling to be heard and having every single word I say pulled apart.

How do I stand my ground without making the situation worse?

newcook

is it his house or is it both of yours?? If its both I would call his bluff and tell him to leave...

It sounds as if he is taking the cowardly approach to ending a relationship by being so sulky/argumentative/childish that you will finish with him. He also sounds far too possesive over his phone and would make me wonder what he is hiding.

lostandalone

It's a shared flat (we have 1 other housemate).
I did say that to him. I said 'if you aren't happy anymore and you want us to split up, then I'm not stopping you from leaving'

His reply was 'well we both know that I won't leave as you can't afford to live here alone.' It's true, it would be a big struggle, but I can afford it.

I think he would like the 'Ali left me' sympathy vote from our friends, to be honest.
He likes to be the centre of attention.

lostandalone

well, I probably shouldn't have but I sent OH an email this morning bascially saying that this whole arguement has got out of hand, I don't want to split up with him, but if that's what he wants, I want him to be happy, so I'll just have to accept that.

Had no reply... maybe he's not at his desk.
feeling really scared now that he might throw it all away.

I've been through so much personally to be with him and it bothers me that he might just want to split over, really let's be honest, something he got angry about.

feeling sad and scared...

robnye

let him go .......... then survive on your own - ........

JWM

Honest reply?

People don't change.....he's had an affair and is acting childishly now. Is this really what you want from a relationship? If you think he will change then stay, if not then don't set the pattern of your future life by just giving in. Why won't he give up the mobile I wonder.....just who is he expecting to call?

Personally I think he sounds horrible and you deserve better, but maybe he has good points that you haven't mentioned?

Best of luck what ever you decide.

paddy's_mum

I have to say that my immediate feeling when I read of the tantrums over the question of the mobile phone was that he is either beginning or in an affair and must have his phone to get his daily fix of whoever is obsessing him now.

I shall probably get jumped on but I think this is one occasion when you would be justified in stealing the phone and doing some checking up. You cannot be expected to live with the uncertainty and lack of faith. If you are going to pinch the phone, do it very soon before he has a chance to think about it and hide any evidence there may be.

I try not to get involved in peoples personal problems but in this case, been there and done that. If you stay, you will be living for years to come with doubts and worries which will, eventually, corrode everything that you are. I am sorry for your trouble.