your opinion needed wwyd situation.

HPoirot

coolcait wrote: »

Very few people have a positive attitude to a man who takes up with another woman while he is already married, and while his wife is takingcare of their daughter and their newborn baby.

Very few people have a positive attitude to the woman who was happy to create a relationship with him under those circumstances.

It takes a pretty high level of unawareness not to grasp that.

Or a pretty low level of truth.

From what I can gather from OP's posts on this thread the real issue for her are the contact order and the related maintenance provisions.

Aside from the excessive guff about being overly concerned for the children, she mentions that the 11 year old daughter might be allowed to have her say in the contact proceedings. Hence the OP and her boyfriend making sure that the daughter talks to OP and visits her "room" in their house, notwithstanding that she is referred to as "it" and notwithstanding that the mother doesn't allow it. The baby is not impressionable so the OP will not bother with "it".

OP also states that if she has a child with the boyfriend, it would be unfair that he has two families to look after / pay for. Something that she has just woken up to it seems. OP mentions the mother spiriting away money for lunches and gym kits etc, I take it that neither she nor the children's father know the cost of raising a child especially one of school age but are keen to reduce it to a bare minimum - she thinks that the mother should be entitled to ESA rate.

All the "evil ex" and poor-little-me guff, I think the OP is running past this board to check if it will wash in an unreasonable behaviour divorce application.

Just in my opinion. I find everything just too hard to believe.

Amber_Sunshine

What would I do? Well, once I'd found out he was married, his @rse would have been through the door so fast he wouldn't have had time to blink. So no ultimatum, no rest of post, no room in my life for a guy who cheats.

FatVonD

chloo wrote: »

he has suggested unreasonable behavior due to her control and hiding money as well as racking up around 20K worth of debt in his name!!

Are you for real?? The words 'insult' and 'injury' spring to mind.

You need to back off, a child is not a plaything or an excuse for a shopping expedition. Perhaps the mother is returning your clothes to buy the things the child actually needs.

FBaby

To be fair, expect OP is very young without much life experience. I dated a man who was 10 years older than me in my early 20s. He had two children from different women and supposedly his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his child. He was a good decent man, just very messed up. Of course there were a lot of issues firing all other the place, and it all went over my head. I struggle to understand the implications of any of them, let alone what the mothers of his child might be feeling or thinking.

I was a very mature 20 yo when it came to looking after myself, but totally naive when it came to relationships. I was still under the illusion that you met someone, fell in love, got together and everything else around it molded itself to suit.

I expect OP has no real concept of what it is like to be married, committed, holding a family, dealing with issues with debts, a husband not around whilst looking after a newborn baby, probably lied to from morning to evening. All she sees is that she fell in love with this man who promised the fairy tale and assumed that because she was happy, everyone else was bound to be happy for her, that because she didn't mean any harm to anyone, no one would feel any bitterness for her.

Then reality hits... It will end with either OP accepting to take a step back and be patient, realising that the perfect life she imagined with her prince charming is not as charming as hoped, or she will get fed up with the disillusion and move on to find a man with much left baggage with whom she can build the life she wants.

Seanymph

what a thoughtful post FBaby.

Let's hope she does one of your two scenarios before stamping too much over childrens lives.

FatVonD

chloo wrote: »

he gives her extra all the time for things she magics up like pack lunch money new pe clothes (hang on 4/5 weeks in to term!?) he buys the youngest things like clothes and she takes them back to the shop even though they are the right sizes ect.

Things she *magics* up??! I've got news for you, Missy, parenting all child isn't all about painting the room a nice colour and buying pretty things, children need boring things too.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Oh boy, he sounds like a real keeper.



It may be the case that he genuinely loves you - hopefully he does - but, as he has already cheated on somebody when they were likely to be most vulnerable, I really would be wondering if there isn't something to her saying he was still sleeping with her.

southoftheriver

I never understand how women get themselves into these situations. They have a man showing up a neon sign to indicate his values when it comes to things like commitment which women seem blind to. And this isn't to be overly judgmental, i've done it myself in the past.

I would be livid if I were the wife in this scenario and the young mistress was this naive. Especially with children involved.

I sound old and bitter but its actually coming from a place of concern. You really don't seem to understand how deeply these things can penetrate.

FBaby

southoftheriver wrote: »

I never understand how women get themselves into these situations. They have a man showing up a neon sign to indicate his values when it comes to things like commitment which women seem blind to. And this isn't to be overly judgmental, i've done it myself in the past.

I would be livid if I were the wife in this scenario and the young mistress was this naive. Especially with children involved.

I sound old and bitter but its actually coming from a place of concern. You really don't seem to understand how deeply these things can penetrate.

I think it is called loooooove! Seriously, in my 20s I thought finding Mr right was about finding a man who I fell madly in love with who felt the same than I AND wanted to commit to me. That was bound to be the winner! All other matters were peripheral because love conquers all doesn't it!

That's what emotional maturity is all about, realising that unfortunately, love rarely conquers the level of stress that comes with sharing your life with someone with much baggage. Still, it can happen. My mum did it with the man she had an affair with and left 5 kids behind, but then she was a very stubborn person, too busy to have much time to think further than her direct responsibilities and to give her credit, intelligent enough to realise that her getting involved with ex-wife matters could only make things worse.

lostinrates

I haven't read the old thread and my sentiments in general echo everyone else's.

However, you are where you are.

What would I do? If I were to find myself in this situation (which I wouldn't, I have ended a young relationship when I found the other person had a partner with a young child). I would ask my partner to move out and spend six months to a year on his own. Establishing some trust from me in him, spending decent access time with his children and behaving less like an idiot with his wife ( the reason for the divorce is pretty obviously more his fault not hers..otherwise he would have left her before a new partner came along).

He should be truthful with everyone that he is doing this to make the period of break easier for his children and family and ex and you.

Once the children and proceedings are more established and clear then you can move forward as a couple again.

The only reason for not proceeding on these lines would be if he is not 'a changed man' and there is less trust there than suggested and the relationship couldn't cope with period of space while he deals with the fall out he has left behind and makes the best he can do of the emotional turmoil he has out his daughter through.

That business with 'the stuff' at your home was really tawdry. There is no reason when things have settled down she cannot help furnish her room. A successful relation ship will be built around you supporting her mother not undermining her or besting her I think.