We'd like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum... Read More »
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
your opinion needed wwyd situation.
Options
chloo
Posts: 287 Forumite
i wanted your advice its a weird situation lots of people wont like this subject but i do appreciate your views and advice.
a year ago i met my partner he was working away where i lived we got together saw him every couple of weeks for a week at a time always when he was working in my area. after 3 months i found out he was married with a new born baby and elder daughter. i knew about the daughter and was told he was separated in his own place.
when i found out i told him it was over and he had to chose.
he chose me, left his wife and after 9 months of us being together i relocated to where he comes from.
the wife knew all about me and i have spoken with her on the phone told her my side of the story apologized for the way it all happened and have been totally honest with her, after all i didnt know about her. (after a little while i got suspicious and asked him outright.)
he left her she was devastated obviously. we moved in to our new home together and since then she has been a nightmare saying to all his family all sorts about me and him ect silly things like im so fat i cant fit through a door that they are still sleeping together shes going to make him beg to come back ect.
his younger brother has stopped contact with him his fathers contact is periodic and his sil from his other brother has stopped contact too.
the main issue is she wont let me meet the children at all. she has put the older child on the phone to me and when partner and older child are together child texts me ect. as far as my partner and i are aware this child wants to meet me. when we got our house i specifically decided that this child should have its own bedroom so the child can leave bits here and feels comfortable. the child has stated that no one else is to stay in there room ( i totally agree with this this room is this childs space in a very unsettled time.)
my partner brought this child over one day when i was at work the child loved the room and went around all my bits and bobs saying how lovely everything was and how the child wants similar bits - all very positive. my partner then took the child back to its mother and the mother punished the child for going to our house with its father!!!
the mother regularly stops contact for my partner and the children and has even taken the phone off the child so they cant communicate via text. this is usually done when my partner refuses her requests of staying over (!) and more money. since leaving my partner had paid around 60% of his weekly earnings to the mother while things settled down and has been trying to sort out csa. the mothers logic is 'pay to see your kids' literally!
the mother uses the children as weapons constantly and is always talking about my partner around the children and there friends so much so that the older child got in a fight as one of the other children told her her daddy didn't love her. when questioned this child said your mum told us!!!!
my partner has been trying to sort a divorce which is good she is now saying she wants a divorce but only if he does it on the grounds of adultery obviously this cant happen she would have to divorce him for his. he has suggested unreasonable behavior due to her control and hiding money as well as racking up around 20K worth of debt in his name!!
he has tried to get a contact order to see this children regularly and in what i believe would be to give them stability. she is saying she will dispute this by saying he is an alcoholic and can not take care of the children (this coming from the woman who drunkenly rants at me down the phone at 8pm)
obviously for my partner and i this has affects such as half of his family not meeting me or having contact. my partner spending the majority of the time we have together stressed and upset. he also just drops me when she rings to say he cant have the children. (i do understand he misses them but this pattern is not good for the children nor our relationship) money wise we can not go and see my family for the night without her ranting and stopping access as it cost us a whole £50 in petrol she believes that every penny he earns she is entitled too. obviously at some point we want a child ourselves this can not happen with daddy having two family how unfair on all of the children involved. we can not purchase a house as at the moment due to being married she would be entitled to a portion of it! we can not plan anything like a holiday ect due to it not being fair on the children, (we have asked if the children can come but obviously this is a no!!)
ideally i would like some advice on what to do or what to suggest as this is getting us both down and obviously affecting the older child.
many thanks
a year ago i met my partner he was working away where i lived we got together saw him every couple of weeks for a week at a time always when he was working in my area. after 3 months i found out he was married with a new born baby and elder daughter. i knew about the daughter and was told he was separated in his own place.
when i found out i told him it was over and he had to chose.
he chose me, left his wife and after 9 months of us being together i relocated to where he comes from.
the wife knew all about me and i have spoken with her on the phone told her my side of the story apologized for the way it all happened and have been totally honest with her, after all i didnt know about her. (after a little while i got suspicious and asked him outright.)
he left her she was devastated obviously. we moved in to our new home together and since then she has been a nightmare saying to all his family all sorts about me and him ect silly things like im so fat i cant fit through a door that they are still sleeping together shes going to make him beg to come back ect.
his younger brother has stopped contact with him his fathers contact is periodic and his sil from his other brother has stopped contact too.
the main issue is she wont let me meet the children at all. she has put the older child on the phone to me and when partner and older child are together child texts me ect. as far as my partner and i are aware this child wants to meet me. when we got our house i specifically decided that this child should have its own bedroom so the child can leave bits here and feels comfortable. the child has stated that no one else is to stay in there room ( i totally agree with this this room is this childs space in a very unsettled time.)
my partner brought this child over one day when i was at work the child loved the room and went around all my bits and bobs saying how lovely everything was and how the child wants similar bits - all very positive. my partner then took the child back to its mother and the mother punished the child for going to our house with its father!!!
the mother regularly stops contact for my partner and the children and has even taken the phone off the child so they cant communicate via text. this is usually done when my partner refuses her requests of staying over (!) and more money. since leaving my partner had paid around 60% of his weekly earnings to the mother while things settled down and has been trying to sort out csa. the mothers logic is 'pay to see your kids' literally!
the mother uses the children as weapons constantly and is always talking about my partner around the children and there friends so much so that the older child got in a fight as one of the other children told her her daddy didn't love her. when questioned this child said your mum told us!!!!
my partner has been trying to sort a divorce which is good she is now saying she wants a divorce but only if he does it on the grounds of adultery obviously this cant happen she would have to divorce him for his. he has suggested unreasonable behavior due to her control and hiding money as well as racking up around 20K worth of debt in his name!!
he has tried to get a contact order to see this children regularly and in what i believe would be to give them stability. she is saying she will dispute this by saying he is an alcoholic and can not take care of the children (this coming from the woman who drunkenly rants at me down the phone at 8pm)
obviously for my partner and i this has affects such as half of his family not meeting me or having contact. my partner spending the majority of the time we have together stressed and upset. he also just drops me when she rings to say he cant have the children. (i do understand he misses them but this pattern is not good for the children nor our relationship) money wise we can not go and see my family for the night without her ranting and stopping access as it cost us a whole £50 in petrol she believes that every penny he earns she is entitled too. obviously at some point we want a child ourselves this can not happen with daddy having two family how unfair on all of the children involved. we can not purchase a house as at the moment due to being married she would be entitled to a portion of it! we can not plan anything like a holiday ect due to it not being fair on the children, (we have asked if the children can come but obviously this is a no!!)
ideally i would like some advice on what to do or what to suggest as this is getting us both down and obviously affecting the older child.
many thanks
0
Comments
-
sounds a real mess and i wish you all the best in trying to reach a conclusion.0
-
i wanted your advice its a weird situation lots of people wont like this subject but i do appreciate your views and advice.
a year ago i met my partner he was working away where i lived we got together saw him every couple of weeks for a week at a time always when he was working in my area. after 3 months i found out he was married with a new born baby and elder daughter. i knew about the daughter and was told he was separated in his own place.
when i found out i told him it was over and he had to chose.
he chose me, left his wife and after 9 months of us being together i relocated to where he comes from.
the wife knew all about me and i have spoken with her on the phone told her my side of the story apologized for the way it all happened and have been totally honest with her, after all i didnt know about her. (after a little while i got suspicious and asked him outright.)
he left her she was devastated obviously. we moved in to our new home together and since then she has been a nightmare saying to all his family all sorts about me and him ect silly things like im so fat i cant fit through a door that they are still sleeping together shes going to make him beg to come back ect.
his younger brother has stopped contact with him his fathers contact is periodic and his sil from his other brother has stopped contact too.
the main issue is she wont let me meet the children at all. she has put the older child on the phone to me and when partner and older child are together child texts me ect. as far as my partner and i are aware this child wants to meet me. when we got our house i specifically decided that this child should have its own bedroom so the child can leave bits here and feels comfortable. the child has stated that no one else is to stay in there room ( i totally agree with this this room is this childs space in a very unsettled time.)
my partner brought this child over one day when i was at work the child loved the room and went around all my bits and bobs saying how lovely everything was and how the child wants similar bits - all very positive. my partner then took the child back to its mother and the mother punished the child for going to our house with its father!!!
the mother regularly stops contact for my partner and the children and has even taken the phone off the child so they cant communicate via text. this is usually done when my partner refuses her requests of staying over (!) and more money. since leaving my partner had paid around 60% of his weekly earnings to the mother while things settled down and has been trying to sort out csa. the mothers logic is 'pay to see your kids' literally!
the mother uses the children as weapons constantly and is always talking about my partner around the children and there friends so much so that the older child got in a fight as one of the other children told her her daddy didn't love her. when questioned this child said your mum told us!!!!
my partner has been trying to sort a divorce which is good she is now saying she wants a divorce but only if he does it on the grounds of adultery obviously this cant happen she would have to divorce him for his. he has suggested unreasonable behavior due to her control and hiding money as well as racking up around 20K worth of debt in his name!!
he has tried to get a contact order to see this children regularly and in what i believe would be to give them stability. she is saying she will dispute this by saying he is an alcoholic and can not take care of the children (this coming from the woman who drunkenly rants at me down the phone at 8pm)
obviously for my partner and i this has affects such as half of his family not meeting me or having contact. my partner spending the majority of the time we have together stressed and upset. he also just drops me when she rings to say he cant have the children. (i do understand he misses them but this pattern is not good for the children nor our relationship) money wise we can not go and see my family for the night without her ranting and stopping access as it cost us a whole £50 in petrol she believes that every penny he earns she is entitled too. obviously at some point we want a child ourselves this can not happen with daddy having two family how unfair on all of the children involved. we can not purchase a house as at the moment due to being married she would be entitled to a portion of it! we can not plan anything like a holiday ect due to it not being fair on the children, (we have asked if the children can come but obviously this is a no!!)
ideally i would like some advice on what to do or what to suggest as this is getting us both down and obviously affecting the older child.
many thanks
Your main mistake was giving him an ultimatum. You should have walked away then. And all this has happened in the first year.
No idea what to do apart from send him back there. This will only ever end in tears.Sanctimonious Veggie. GYO-er. Seed Saver. Get in.0 -
You put him in a position where he had to chose, he chose you, but did you really think it was going to be easy given that he left two kids, one of them a newborn baby, to be with you?
He created this situation by having the pair of you on the go at the same time and to be honest, I dont know exactly what I would have done in this situation, but I like to think Id have walked away leaving him to mend things with his family, or even not as the case may have been, rather than asking him to choose between you and his wife and two kids
If his ex is angry, I honestly couldnt blame her, how you sort this, well I assume that legal advice re the kids and contact would be your first point of call.0 -
how long do you think it will be before he is assessed correctly by the CSA for the maintenance? Can he not go on the CSA website, use the calculator there, work out how much its likely to be for formal CSA maintenance, and start paying that to his ex? It would stop all this her expecting 60% of everything he earns. She's not going to get that when the CSA have made their decision.
And yes, get formal access arrangements in place. If he's not a drunk, any allegations she makes of that nature won't wash. Right now it sounds like he is running around bending over backwards, no matter how stressed and upset that makes him, because she reckons she has him over a barrel.
Formal access and formal maintenance would appear to be the way forward here.0 -
Thank you Thick Tom.
FBR- the ultimatum wasn't a diva strop it was literally you want us to work, then you leave your wife you don't want us to work not a problem I will go now and we will forget this ever happened.
PaulineB- Thank you for your comments it wasn't a decision of no children we decided the best way for it to work was for me to leave my family and friends and job and relocate 200 miles. we moved to an area that wasn't to close to her nor to far if an emergency occurred. im not sure that she is angry anymore to be honest with you she has a new partner who spends a lot of time with the children. Her issue is money she wants every single penny and in all honesty she isn't entitled to much more than a job seeker gets a week. she wants thousands a month and unfortunately now my partner doesn't work away the wage isn't as good and we now have a house to pay for. the legal battle as thats what it is isnt really going anywhere she saying no to a divorce as she wants him to divorce her for adultery which obviously wont happen as he was the one to cheat. thank you
ballettshoes- yes csa is on the way we have worked it all out and give her that every week. he gives her extra all the time for things she magics up like pack lunch money new pe clothes (hang on 4/5 weeks in to term!?) he buys the youngest things like clothes and she takes them back to the shop even though they are the right sizes ect. the access is the issue as the eldest is 11 the child would have to speak to the mediator from what i believe? what would be reasonable access in your opinion? than you for your reply.0 -
Sounds like a nightmare but a very predictable one. You decided to face the storm when you gave him the ultimatum, now is that time. Hopefully will time she will calm down at least a bit. You can't control her, not the family, but at least you can be grateful that you two have each other.
By the way, plenty of mention of the eldest child, what about the 1 year old child?0 -
A woman scorned and all that...
How did you think she would react when her husband had an affair and then left her?
You apologised on the phone - OK - BUT, how do you think she felt at having to talk to you?
Your BF needs to sort this all 'officially' and above board... dealing with any accusations as they arise.
You know his ex doesn't want you to have any contact with the children... for now, just accept that. You shouldn't be putting the daughter in a position where she is caught between the conflicting wishes of her mum and dad.
Your BF behaved badly... you do know that don't you? He lied to his wife and he lied to you... his wife has every right to feel wronged... and it will take time for that pain to ease.
In the meantime, your BF should be dealing with this and you should stay out of it.:hello:0 -
after 3 months i found out he was married with a new born baby and elder daughter.
i knew about the daughter and was told he was separated in his own place.T
FBR- the ultimatum wasn't a diva strop it was literally you want us to work, then you leave your wife you don't want us to work not a problem I will go now and we will forget this ever happened
How could you ever trust a man who started the relationship with a lie while his wife was a home with a new born baby?
You can't really be surprised that his wife is very angry?
He will have to go down the legal route to get contact but whatever the court rules, the resident parent can always make life difficult.0 -
Only advice I can offer is to keep a low profile and be squeaky clean. Keep evidence. Let the CSA and divorce court take its course. Be kind, polite and do not inflame the situation.
Of course the ex wife and families have every right to be hurt and angry and not want to see the person who ruined their lives again. You and your OH have to live with that.
Be humble, it may happen to you one day.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Any more posts you want to make on something you obviously know very little about?"
Is an actual reaction to my posts, so please don't rely on anything I say.
0 -
Only advice I can offer is to keep a low profile and be squeaky clean. Keep evidence. Let the CSA and divorce court take its course. Be kind, polite and do not inflame the situation.
Of course the ex wife and families have every right to be hurt and angry and not want to see the person who ruined their lives again. You and your OH have to live with that.
Be humble, it may happen to you one day.
Leopard, spots etc
Once a liar and a cheat... can he really be a changed man now?:hello:0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 351.2K Banking & Borrowing
- 253.2K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 453.7K Spending & Discounts
- 244.1K Work, Benefits & Business
- 599.2K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 177K Life & Family
- 257.5K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.6K Read-Only Boards