your opinion needed wwyd situation.

peachyprice

chloo wrote: »

iwhen we got our house i specifically decided that this child should have its own bedroom so the child can leave bits here and feels comfortable. the child has stated that no one else is to stay in there room ( i totally agree with this this room is this childs space in a very unsettled time.)

my partner brought this child over one day when i was at work the child loved the room and went around all my bits and bobs saying how lovely everything was and how the child wants similar bits - all very positive.

Why would you do this to a child you've never met, a child who's parents marriage you helped destroy, a child who's father you've only been living with for 9 months?

Surely you realise that 9 months is no time at all for all the hurt you have been partly responsible for to heal? You've jumped the gun making a room for this child, you're being delusional if you think the mother of these children is going to let them spend time with you yet. Perhaps you need to grow up a little before you can appreciate the effect the devastation you have caused has had on your OH's family. I'm guessing (hoping) you're pretty young?

And I hope to god you don't plan on having children with this excuse for a man, pregnant women clearly don't do it for him, you can bet your bottom dollar he'll be screwing around behind your back too before you know it.

bagpussbear

Goodness what a mess. To be honest, i don't think you should be getting so heavily involved in trying to sort it out. This is for your boyfriend to deal with.

Sounds like life is unpleasant for you both at the moment, but seriously what did you expect?

Your partner did one of the lowest things a man can do, walk out on his wife and newborn. No wonder she is angry, and to be honest I think only time may help calm things down, and you need to step away from what really is HIS place to deal with it.

Perhaps in time she'll meet someone else and may mellow. Perhaps she won't.

But what struck me from your post OP is that you refer a couple of times to the child as 'it'. Or 'child'. You never say her/him etc. That worries me. Are you sure you are ready for him to have the children if she lets him? You're life and routine will have to change again when (if) he has the children regularly.

You seem angry and judgemental at her, but you chose this difficult experience! his wife wasn't put on this planet to make your life easy.

You mention about wanting to have kids with him - why? are you prepared for the possibility he might leave you? If not, are you under the illusion that perhaps you are different or more special than his wife so he couldn't possibly do it to you? proceed with caution!

Don't mean to be rude OP as I realise you have come here for help and advice, but to be honest there is some naivety how you come across. I do hope that some resolution can occur to the benefit of all parties concerned.

HPoirot

bagpussbear wrote: »

Goodness what a mess. To be honest, i don't think you should be getting so heavily involved in trying to sort it out. This is for your boyfriend to deal with.

Sounds like life is unpleasant for you both at the moment, but seriously what did you expect?

Your partner did one of the lowest things a man can do, walk out on his wife and newborn. No wonder she is angry, and to be honest I think only time may help calm things down, and you need to step away from what really is HIS place to deal with it.

Perhaps in time she'll meet someone else and may mellow. Perhaps she won't.

But what struck me from your post OP is that you refer a couple of times to the child as 'it'. Or 'child'. You never say her/him etc. That worries me. Are you sure you are ready for him to have the children if she lets him? You're life and routine will have to change again when (if) he has the children regularly.

You seem angry and judgemental at her, but you chose this difficult experience! his wife wasn't put on this planet to make your life easy.

You mention about wanting to have kids with him - why? are you prepared for the possibility he might leave you? If not, are you under the illusion that perhaps you are different or more special than his wife so he couldn't possibly do it to you? proceed with caution!

Don't mean to be rude OP as I realise you have come here for help and advice, but to be honest there is some naivety how you come across. I do hope that some resolution can occur to the benefit of all parties concerned.

^^^^^ this.

I too am gobsmacked at how a child whom the OP had spoken to is referred to as "it". A child is not a pet. And at how the wife was in the wrong for not lying down and allowing the OP to walk all over her.

For real???

sassyblue

chloo wrote: »

. after 3 months i found out he was married with a new born baby and elder daughter.

when i found out i told him it was over and he had to chose.

So how was it 'over' when you gave him an ultimatum?

I can't believe you would do that and then welcome with open arms a man who would abandon his newborn baby.

Whatever you're bleating about it's too bad, it's called karma.

Tiddlywinks

chloo wrote: »

... it is very hard when living with someone starting a new life together when you get to see very little of the life he has. how could we go on to have a child in this situation? or get a house or have a holiday? until this is all resolved our lives are totally on hold which seems unfair when she has moved on with someone else.

It's also very hard and unfair to be left by your husband when you have two children - one a new born baby - added to the fact that he has had an affair.

chloo wrote: »

.... his life style has totally changed from before hes not a serial cheat and the marriage has been on the rocks for a very long time.

If it was on the rocks for such a long time, how did the wife get pregnant? He was still sleeping with her... how naïve are you?

chloo wrote: »

..... in my opinion the family are pushing him/us out due to the stories that she is telling. in my view to make an opinion on someone without knowing them is totally wrong.

Or maybe, just maybe, the fact that he was having an affair when his wife was pregnant / had a new born baby and then left his family to move in with his girlfriend may have something to do with how they see you both???

chloo wrote: »

..... he is getting older and as he says wiser (we will see about that ha!) his lifestyle is so different now to what it was when we met now instead of going out with the lads we go for dinner or get a dvd and have a cook off his whole attitude has changed and for the better his mum says how much better he is hes lost weigh doesnt smoke anymore and has cut down his drinking his skin looks better his whole outlook on life is better- dare i say it but i genuinely think he had a form of depression.

Oh poor little lamb... all he needed was the love of a good woman to save him.

You really are naïve.

paulineb_2

Apart from all the issues spoken about already, this man has had no time to draw breath between being with his wife and being with you. He was sleeping with you when she was pregnant I assume. Even if he wasnt in love with her any more, a bit of time and space would have allowed her and him to sort out their issues and then he could have said that he had met someone.

Are you surprised by peoples reactions? Even if you didnt know he was married, you found out soon enough, I absolutely agree, you should never have given this man an ultimatum, you should have done the decent thing, sent him back to his wife and if things didnt work out and you wanted to be together at some point in the future thats when you should have made your choices

By your actions, even if you really do love this man, you'll be viewed as the woman who broke up a family.

You dont base your happiness on someone elses unhappiness and as for leaving your family and friends to be with him, I sincerely hope he appreciates how much youve given up for him.

All I can say is, you'll have to hope the wife comes round in time and get some good legal advice re the money situation.

And if you need to play second fiddle to his kids, thats absolutely the way it should be, they should come first.

Id be massively concerned if someone rebounded into a relationship with me after being with a wife with absolutely no time in between. It really doesnt say much about his depth of feelings for her if he can just !!!!!! off and leave her when shes just had a baby.

Depressed or not, on the surface he looks like a total ratbag.

Errata

A man who leaves his wife, his child and his newborn baby to immediately move in with his girlfriend creates a vacancy. The extended families of these men usually refer to the girlfriend as a slapper.

lillie_put

What did you think people would say? how did you expect people to behave ? to be with you?
Do you think the wife should be all calm arms open wide to you especially With HER CHILDREN
You found out he was married and you gave him ultimatum his Young child a New Born or YOU,
You helped to break up this family and hurt his children hope you both are utterly Ashamed of this situation,
They are NOT your kids you stand back let the low life scum be with them,
let him explain how dropping his pants getting his leg over with You might as well add is the reason all this crap going on,

spender

How long before the realisation that the grass is not really greener on the other side. Let one relationship end totally before beginning another. I give you 18 months to 2 years tops.

How sanctimonious are you after a few months providing a room and saying how the "child" loves your things, all the time being shown this room with you not being there. The ex partner left with the day to day routine of bringing up two children one of them being very young.

The relationship was over was it? Funny how a baby was made. This is a relationship made in hell and my feelings are with the ex partner.

coolcait

Such a shame that you didn't take heed of this post, over two years ago, before you issued yet another ultimatum:

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.php?p=43307282&postcount=12

Still, on the bright side - notwithstanding some grammar and spelling errors - your dyslexia has appears to have improved immeasurably.

In emotional terms, you haven't been clear about the timescales, but it appears that you careened from:

- a hothouse romance

- to a holiday engagement

- to no longer being engaged or having an OH, but sharing a flat with a 'friend'

- to meeting a new man

- to issuing an ultimatum about him choosing you or the family he already had - including a daughter and a newborn baby

- to trying to play happy families while being irritated that his family don't rate you - or your new OH - particularly highly

Very few people have a positive attitude to a man who takes up with another woman while he is already married, and while his wife is takingcare of their daughter and their newborn baby.

Very few people have a positive attitude to the woman who was happy to create a relationship with him under those circumstances.

It takes a pretty high level of unawareness not to grasp that.

Or a pretty low level of truth.