The Trials & Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

sweaty_betty

codemonkey wrote: »

OK, a weird question, and please feel free to tell me to get a grip, but I feel like I'm going through a bereavement, only with less sympathy because people don't know what's happened. Is this normal?

I'm lurking over from the other board, hope you don't mind me posting.
I'm pretty sure what you're feeling is normal, it's a form of grief for what you'd hoped for (to get pregnant) and fear that it will never happen the way you'd hoped (without medical intervention etc*). Even though you might have been a little prepared for the results of the tests etc, it's still a massive shock to hear someone say it out loud. Give yourself time to digest everything - ideally get away from everything for a weekend or something, away from normal life - and that may help. But like any loss, it'll probably take a while to deal with.

Thinking of you

*I'm not saying there's anything wrong with medical intervention to get pregnant, just that I guess we all wish it would happen without...

angeltreats

codemonkey wrote: »

OK, a weird question, and please feel free to tell me to get a grip, but I feel like I'm going through a bereavement, only with less sympathy because people don't know what's happened. Is this normal?

I feel exactly the same. And the only people who understand it are my mum and my best friend (who suffered a particularly awful miscarriage and took a long time to conceive her first). I feel like I'm grieving the loss of our 'normal' baby (for want of a better word but you know what I mean) and the nice normal bogstandard pregnancy that I will never have, because the only way I am going to be a mum is after pumping my body full of unnatural hormones and being extensively medically interfered with, and we can't even conceive our own baby, it will be conceived by clever people in a lab which just isn't the same. DH doesn't feel the same at all and thinks I'm mental. I wondered if I was being unreasonable and am glad someone else thinks the same way (although obviously I wish you weren't going through this).

Re visiting the inlaws, I think I am going to have to go, because otherwise I will be depriving them of seeing their son for Christmas and we won't see them again till they get back in March. But I absolutely dreading it. My mum, who went through ten agonising years of infertility and is practicaly teetotal, has advised me that the best way to get through it is with alcohol.

T2D when you next do the list, can you change me to awaiting IVF and varicocele repair in early 2014 please? Ta

SewIt_2

ah ladies, I think we all feel the same! I am devastated that we can't conceive naturally. I feel like I am grieving a loss on many levels, 1) loss of normallity, it really isn't how most people do it and it is so bloody hard. 2) loss of self, I feel like a failure and feel that a part of me is lost to this nightmare forever (even if we do eventually get pg, I fear I will still feel like this) 3) loss of family, I always wanted three kids, now I will be lucky if I get one. I am grieving the loss of the family that I will never have.

All the while we are facing medical intervention, low chances of ever getting pregnant and the fear that it might never happen. Not to mention the hormones and monthly disappointments.

I wonder if I stamp my feet hard enough (like a child) and say 'I DON'T WANT THIS' that will change things :rotfl:

Code - you have had a big shock, even if you had an inkling it might be bad news, it doesn't prepare you for when it finally arrives. Logic doesn't come into it, emotions are emotions and they will take you by surprise so just go with the flow right now.

Angel - sorry you can't get out of the visit, hope it goes ok. vent on here if you need to. xx

Peonie - DH might be annoyed, but once the whole rollercoaster starts he will come realise it's a good decision. Make plans once its over. Is this your first cycle?

T2D - when you get a chance, can I be updated to booked to start IVF in Jan Many thanks indeed!

hugs ladies xx

Part_Mouse

On phond so sorry gof short post. I totally get what yoh all mean by grieving for what is lost and what has to be. I guess im somewhat different in yhat ive pretty much always known we had no chance nurally.

Just had scan no follice and have 2 weeks to ov.some ovarian activity though.

time2deal

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/05/cancer-diagnosis-fertility-baby-ghost

Interesting article - very relevant for me, although I'm not sure I have as much sympathy when she already has 2 boys. A couple of 'why don't you just adopt' comments though, so be warned!

codemonkey

PM, I always figured we'd have trouble - just didn't think it would all end up hinging on a sperm finding exploration trip.

Like you Sewit, I always wanted a big family but that's gone now. Because we're dependent on how many sperm cells we get, even if I respond really well to the treatment, we wont get many fertilised eggs and probably nothing to freeze. Even if it works first time, if we then decide we want another child it's another round of crap.

Come on PMs ovaries. Lets stop !!!!ing about and release the egg.

Ballabriggs

Hello ladies,

I hope you don't mind me posting on your thread but I've been reading some of your heart wrenching stories for a while now and I felt moved to post.

My situation is different but I can totally relate on the grief issue. Over the space of four years I have had three miscarriages ( one at three months having seen a heart beat and bonded with bub- just awful) and an ectopic pregnancy. It took over eighteen months to get pregnant between miscarriage two and three, and people kept telling me it was just bad luck, honestly I could have swung for them! After miscarriage number three I got pregnant fairly quickly only to be told that it was ectopic. They suggested surgery but didn't know which side to go in on as it was difficult to locate source, so they said they might have to go in on one and then try the other. We were devastated as the chances of long term damage to my tubes was very high. Luckily I managed to persuade them to go the medical route so after a heavy does of drugs and six gruelling weeks of blood tests I was given the all clear. By this point I was determined that we would do it, so we started trying as soon as possible and got pregnant first time. I am now just under six months pregnant and expecting a baby boy.

I know what you mean about grief, not just from the loss of my little angels, but from the loss of the happiness of normality. I hated being around pregnant women who sailed through pregnancy first time and just couldn't understand how others might feel. I felt robbed of the joy of enjoying my pregnancy ( I was absolutely terrified every time I went to the loo in the first twelve weeks because I thought I would see blood). Things are starting to settle but we've had to be monitored by a specialist clinic so every scan was horrific as I was anticipating bad news. But as time has gone by, little by little I've started to allow myself to ease up a bit and try to enjoy being pregnant because otherwise I feel like I am punishing myself. I became more at peace by accepting I wasn't one of the lucky ones who have an easy ride, but I also came to the conclusion that when I hold my baby in my arms it's going to be extra special, more than the rest of them will ever know.

I guess the only thing I can say is don't give up. You must fight and fight to get what you want. That's what it felt like to me, a fight and I wasn't going to give in. The agony and pain of loss, both physical and mental, it's all worth it when you feel that baby kick for the first time

Please don't give in. It is always darkest before the dawn.

purcy81

Hi Ladies

big hugs code I'm so so sorry your news was bad, I know what you mean about grieving and it's a terrible thing that it can't be recognised openly by most people. We all know what you mean on here though so sending you big squeezey hugs and kind thoughts xx

I'm after some advice from any ladies who've had day 21 bloods,my results are

Thyroid thingy (can't remember the name) 0.87
Progesterone 16

my doctor put on my notes that my thyroid was normal but progesterone was borderline but no further action needed. I'm a little baffled to be honest but I'm going to wait for the rest of my tests. I have day 2 tests on Monday and T2D if you would kindly update me on the list to the awaiting appointment area as my ultrasound is on the 28th of December.

On the upside I'm now 9dpo and have't even spotted yet (I've just totally jinxed myself now) so heres hoping for a longer lp!

hugs to all x

Part_Mouse

Purcy glad to hear the spotting has stayed away, huge fingers crossed for your 2 ww.

Code its awful how this whole ttc process forcs us to change our plans and robs up of so many hopes and dreams.

This may sound a bit starnge but even thought im fully going through the treatment it almost seems like its not me thats going through it, I almost feel like it must be some kind of crule joke and that maybe just maybe my body will do what its ment to do all by its self. I know thats not going to happen though.

I can't seem to shake this headache ive had on and off for most of a week now, think its the increase in dose thats caused it, or near 6 weeks of pumping hormoanes into my body

purcy81

Hugs PM I'm sorry this cycle isn't going well for you and your head hurts hopefully the increased dose helps xx