Would you invite?

Undecided2012

paulineb wrote: »

Having the dad there and the mum there but not together will be a reminder of the deceit and loss as well and no, it cant be a very nice decision to make, but the deceit and loss isnt going to go away just because the girlfriend isnt invited.

The father has been a part of my life for a very long time, good family friends. Whilst I am not appointing all the blame to the other lady, I feel she is a massive factor in the split. It is not an option not to invite the father, he's my gf's dad and they still have the same relationship as before.

This woman could end up being a significant part of the dads life.
And as for the point about not apportioning blame, if you dont want anything much to do with the gf, then blame is being apportioned.

I hold the blame 50/50

When the only people who actually know why the marriage broke down are the mum and the dad themselves.

Because if people "believe" that an affair was going on for a long time, they dont actually know. If they did know, they would have said, this man was having an affair and we dont want to invite the person he was having an affair with to the wedding.

maybe I should have worded it like that, but I tried to get more objective responses

Also, the OP has made it clear he wants nothing to do with the fathers gf. Which is his decision. But in time the father and that gf might end up getting married. The mum might meet a new partner. The mum and dad might get back on talking terms, a hell of a lot could happen between now and the wedding.

this will not happen

There will be other events in the future where decisions of a similar nature might need to be made.

And if the gf does want to keep in touch with her dad, dare I say it, that might be difficult to achieve if theres a blanket I want nothing to do with your partner.

Hope that has worked!

Undecided2012

Brighton_belle wrote: »

No, surely it's about the whole situation being extremely painful for the mother and daughter, yet needing her dad to be at her wedding despite this, but having the gf would just be a step to far as a reminder of the deceit and loss.

I can't see it's about 'forgiving the dad', it's about putting the pain to one side for a day to celebrate his daughter marriage. I think having the gf there, so close to the split would be appalling selfish and thoughtless on the part of dad and girlfriend.
I honestly can't imagine the gf wanting to be their anyway, unless she has the insensitivity of a moose. (Apologies to sensitive moose everywhere)
5 years after the split, yes, but not 1-2 years when mum is still very raw.
And I don't see the gf as an innocent blameless party: she was complicit in breaking up a marriage/duplicity.

This is essentially how I see it too, Brighton Belle, so thank you.

I think we have established that we don't want to invite her unless some serious dialogue between all of us starts in the next few months, which is extremely unlikely.

Honestly, I'm hoping she doesn't want to be there and takes the decision out of our hands.

Our wedding is going to be purely people we know & we don't want random + 1s (most friends are couples or groups so no problems there).

To the person asking about wording the invite... No, haven't... Hmm...

Undecided2012

paulineb wrote: »

And if the mum met a new partner next week? Its a year away. Lots of things could happen before then.

The OP said, they believe its been going on for a long time, they dont know.

Peoples parents do split up sometimes and it might be tougher for people who are older when it happens. I was very young when my parents divorced.

But, the pain of whats happened isnt going to go away just because the gf doesnt get asked to the wedding, its still there for all parties concerned.

As I said, the mum could meet someone new by the time of the wedding, a lot of water could pass under the bridge by then. And unless people know the gf had a part in breaking up the marriage that at the moment is just speculation. Because if she didnt and she met him very shortly after his marriage ended, shes done nothing wrong.

It isn't speculation, it's definite. I didn't want to muddy the water too much.

Undecided2012

Thanks everyone. Better go and discuss with the mrs.

BugglyB

Undecided2012 wrote: »

Thanks everyone. Better go and discuss with the mrs.

I appreciate its your wedding as well but really you must leave it up to her with no pressure from you as to what she should do.

Your role is to support her and her decisions while she navigates what must seem like an impossible route through her parents break up. Not to start taking sides and apportioning blame.