Would you invite?

Undecided2012

CH27 wrote: »

So if your future MIL meets someone new before your wedding wouldn't be invited either?

I appreciate your point but it's the affair/ betrayal that's the issue, it wasn't amicable.

Poppy9

Everyone is an adult and it will be two years down the line by the time of the wedding and the parents just have to put their DD first and get over their animosity for one day.

It's not the GF fault the father had an affair, he is the only guilty party not the mistress. Perhaps she won't feel comfortable coming if she knows you dislike her so there will be no problem.

If you want to stay in touch with your extended family and want your future children to stay in touch with grandparents then you may need to get used to MIL and FIL having new partners.

You are not being disloyal to anyone by being civil to another human being.

CH27

Undecided2012 wrote: »

I appreciate your point but it's the affair/ betrayal that's the issue, it wasn't amicable.

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage.
He is still your gf's dad & always will be. Be careful she doesn't throw that away by making a hasty decision.

KxMx

CH27 wrote: »

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage.
He is still your gf's dad & always will be. Be careful she doesn't throw that away by making a hasty decision.

That is very true.
But as someone who has been in an almost identical place to OP's finacee, I totally understand just how destructive it has been to the immediate family. An out and out affair is a different matter to an affair which won't be admitted to, and the continuing deception can be hard.

I think it's a little too early to be making these decisions and the passage of time may provide a clearer way forward.

Undecided2012

KxMx wrote: »

That is very true.
But as someone who has been in an almost identical place to OP's finacee, I totally understand just how destructive it has been to the immediate family. An out and out affair is a different matter to an affair which won't be admitted to, and the continuing deception can be hard.

I think it's a little too early to be making these decisions and the passage of time may provide a clearer way forward.

Yeah I do agree with you, it's just been playing on my mind. I mean my partner has just today found out that the new partner has a son.

It was pretty gutting for us both but of course mostly for mother. I don't think the father would be adverse to us not inviting her, I doubt he expects it. My family are very close with their family so it's an issue which would cloud over the entire day for everyone.

It's just so sad

KxMx

Undecided2012 wrote: »

Yeah I do agree with you, it's just been playing on my mind. I mean my partner has just today found out that the new partner has a son.

It was pretty gutting for us both but of course mostly for mother. I don't think the father would be adverse to us not inviting her, I doubt he expects it. My family are very close with their family so it's an issue which would cloud over the entire day for everyone.

It's just so sad

It is very sad, and I can understand it's been on your mind, but what may cast a cloud over the whole day for everyone today may change by the time the wedding comes around.

Undecided2012

KxMx wrote: »

It is very sad, and I can understand it's been on your mind, but what may cast a cloud over the whole day for everyone today may change by the time the wedding comes around.

True. Thanks

zagfles

I'd just invite the father and mother but not the partner(s). You can't really invite any new partner the mother may have then if you don't invite the father's partner, that would just cause problems IMO. It's your day, not theirs, they'll have plenty of other family they know, do they really need a partner that you hardly know?

maman

Undecided2012 wrote: »

It was pretty gutting for us both but of course mostly for mother. I don't think the father would be adverse to us not inviting her, I doubt he expects it. My family are very close with their family so it's an issue which would cloud over the entire day for everyone.

It's just so sad

I've been in a similar situation when my DDs got married but from the other side IYKWIM.

What really matters is what you and your future wife want. Presumably her priority is she wants her father and mother there. If she thinks her mother would be upset by new(ish) partner being invited then just invite father on his own, especially as you say he doesn't expect otherwise. Presumably he's 'giving her away' if you're having a traditional wedding.

It is a long way away so I'd suggest your partner tells her father she'd love him to be there and give her away but partner issue to be decided later in deference to mother.

The compromise we came to was that DD2's mother was just invited to evening 'do' not actual ceremony and reception. DD1's father (different wedding) was invited but declined although his mother came and was very welcome. It varies so much in families how people take to new partners. Some seem to be able to be extremely amicable and cope, others bear resentment for ever. (I'm one of the latter so I speak from experience:o).

Person_one

Undecided2012 wrote: »

We do.

Yes of course, but it's our wedding

Yes its your (plural) wedding, but please let her take the lead on this and defer to how she feels. I know you are very upset by what's happened but they are her parents, the emotions will be different and will run much deeper for her so she really needs to be your priority here.