Would you invite?

Undecided2012

Gigglepig wrote: »

If I were your partner I would probably have asked my father and new girlfriend straight if they met and had an affair while my dad was still married. Blunt, but better than assuming the worst and being angry anyway.

If they did lie and cheat and deeply hurt my mother as a result, it would affect my respect for them to the extent that I'd probably keep my distance for a good long while.

That being said I would probably be more angry with the dad than his new partner. Without knowing specific circumstances, it makes no sense to me to invite him but not the partner. It will probably be painful for the MIL regardless.

jellie wrote: »

Your wedding is a year away, who knows what will happen in the intervening period. Your GF's mum may have remarried, as may her dad.

I reckon it's far too early to be considering whether his new partner will be invited or not. It is a painful situation now but time is a healer and I think you'll need to see nearer the time how much healing has been done.

True, but we need to sort out invites soonish, in the next few months anyway.

Undecided2012

arbroath_lass wrote: »

I've never agreed with single invitations for weddings. Single people should have a "plus one" so you don't have to specifically invite his girlfriend. Unless it was a long term thing, I wouldn't name a girl/boyfriend on an invitation. Partners and spouses should be invited IMO.

However new partners and spouses would not sit at the top table. Again, unless it was a long term thing and the families were all comfortable with that (bride or groom had grown up with these people as family etc).

We will only be invited people we know, this is the only sticking point.

Person_one

Undecided2012 wrote: »

We will only be invited people we know, this is the only sticking point.

But of course, you won't be inviting other people without their spouses, surely?

Invitations don't need to go out until about 2 months or so before the wedding, no need to make any hasty decisions.

[Deleted User]

When it comes close to the time for sending invitations, you could ask your Fiancee's mother what she would feel comfortable with - make it clear you are happy with either choice she makes - as she is the person who'd be most affected by the attendance of your FIL-to-be's new partner.

Undecided2012

Person_one wrote: »

But of course, you won't be inviting other people without their spouses, surely?

Invitations don't need to go out until about 2 months or so before the wedding, no need to make any hasty decisions.

Don't really know anyone that we would want to invite where we don't know their other halves. Will be 90% family and a few friends.

Good idea re: asking the mum. Would be really, really tough but necessary!

mountainofdebt

Just to throw another fly in the ointment have you thought how you are going to word the invites?

paulineb_2

Undecided2012 wrote: »

Apologies, there's no question of her father not being invited - just the partner.

I've known the father for as long as the mother too, just feel it would be too painful for gf's mother & gf & me.

Appreciate all opinions, thanks!

If you can forgive the father enough to have him there why cant you have his partner there. I think thats a tad ridiculous to be honest.

Yes, its your wedding, but you'll invite the dad even though he may have had an affair when he was with your partners mum, but you wont invite the gf.

That very much looks as if you blame the gf for the split.

Brighton_belle

paulineb wrote: »

If you can forgive the father enough to have him there why cant you have his partner there. I think thats a tad ridiculous to be honest.

No, surely it's about the whole situation being extremely painful for the mother and daughter, yet needing her dad to be at her wedding despite this, but having the gf would just be a step to far as a reminder of the deceit and loss.

I can't see it's about 'forgiving the dad', it's about putting the pain to one side for a day to celebrate his daughter marriage. I think having the gf there, so close to the split would be appalling selfish and thoughtless on the part of dad and girlfriend.
I honestly can't imagine the gf wanting to be their anyway, unless she has the insensitivity of a moose. (Apologies to sensitive moose everywhere)
5 years after the split, yes, but not 1-2 years when mum is still very raw.
And I don't see the gf as an innocent blameless party: she was complicit in breaking up a marriage/duplicity.

paulineb_2

Brighton_belle wrote: »

No, surely it's about the whole situation being extremely painful for the mother and daughter, yet needing her dad to be at her wedding despite this, but having the gf would just be a step to far as a reminder of the deceit and loss.

I can't see it's about 'forgiving the dad', it's about putting the pain to one side for a day to celebrate his daughter marriage. I think having the gf there, so close to the split would be appalling selfish and thoughtless on the part of dad and girlfriend.
I honestly can't imagine the gf wanting to be their anyway, unless she has the insensitivity of a moose. (Apologies to sensitive moose everywhere)
5 years after the split, yes, but not 1-2 years when mum is still very raw.
And I don't see the gf as an innocent blameless party: she was complicit in breaking up a marriage/duplicity.

And if the mum met a new partner next week? Its a year away. Lots of things could happen before then.

The OP said, they believe its been going on for a long time, they dont know.

Peoples parents do split up sometimes and it might be tougher for people who are older when it happens. I was very young when my parents divorced.

But, the pain of whats happened isnt going to go away just because the gf doesnt get asked to the wedding, its still there for all parties concerned.

As I said, the mum could meet someone new by the time of the wedding, a lot of water could pass under the bridge by then. And unless people know the gf had a part in breaking up the marriage that at the moment is just speculation. Because if she didnt and she met him very shortly after his marriage ended, shes done nothing wrong.

paulineb_2

Brighton_belle wrote: »

No, surely it's about the whole situation being extremely painful for the mother and daughter, yet needing her dad to be at her wedding despite this, but having the gf would just be a step to far as a reminder of the deceit and loss.

I can't see it's about 'forgiving the dad', it's about putting the pain to one side for a day to celebrate his daughter marriage. I think having the gf there, so close to the split would be appalling selfish and thoughtless on the part of dad and girlfriend.
I honestly can't imagine the gf wanting to be their anyway, unless she has the insensitivity of a moose. (Apologies to sensitive moose everywhere)
5 years after the split, yes, but not 1-2 years when mum is still very raw.
And I don't see the gf as an innocent blameless party: she was complicit in breaking up a marriage/duplicity.

Having the dad there and the mum there but not together will be a reminder of the deceit and loss as well and no, it cant be a very nice decision to make, but the deceit and loss isnt going to go away just because the girlfriend isnt invited.

This woman could end up being a significant part of the dads life.
And as for the point about not apportioning blame, if you dont want anything much to do with the gf, then blame is being apportioned.

When the only people who actually know why the marriage broke down are the mum and the dad themselves.

Because if people "believe" that an affair was going on for a long time, they dont actually know. If they did know, they would have said, this man was having an affair and we dont want to invite the person he was having an affair with to the wedding.

Also, the OP has made it clear he wants nothing to do with the fathers gf. Which is his decision. But in time the father and that gf might end up getting married. The mum might meet a new partner. The mum and dad might get back on talking terms, a hell of a lot could happen between now and the wedding.

There will be other events in the future where decisions of a similar nature might need to be made.

And if the gf does want to keep in touch with her dad, dare I say it, that might be difficult to achieve if theres a blanket I want nothing to do with your partner.