Would you invite?

ailuro2

I agree - fathers of the bride and groom, and mothers of the bride and groom - is a perectly normal set of folk to have at the top table - and it's traditional for the mum to sit with the opposite dad and vice versa anyway, so they don't need to spend the meal together. Partners could come to the evening do as a compromise - by that time the official photos are over anyway, and it's fine for the older guests to retreat if they want to - giving her mum a reason to leave before "she" arrives.

FBaby

No point in deciding now. You can see how it goes. In the meantime, you might get to meet her and realise she is not a horrible person after all.

My dad's father abandon him and his mum when my dad was 15 to run away with his secretary. My grand mother was understandably very hurt and out of respect, my dad stayed away from his father (who moved miles away). It's only when he was an adult that he started to have some limited contact with his father, and that was as a result of his new wife contacting him and encouraging it. My dad never got close to his dad again because of the distant and respect for his mum, but he realised that his new wife was a lovely lady who was very respectful of him. When my grand father died, she showed me the family photo albums and there was a few pictures of my grand mother and father in it which really surprised me. My dad stayed in touch with her afterwards and in closer contact with his half brother and sister who have always been very respectful of my dad.

All this to say that this women could be lovely and not all to blame for what happened. She might deserve the chance to be known and judge for the person she is rather than her involvement in a sad situation. You would feel better keeping her out of the wedding if after getting to know her, you and future wife decided you just didn't like her as a person.

mountainofdebt

My father left in similar circumstances a few months before my wedding and I told OH and my mum that if she was in the church when I got there (you can't stop anyone attending the service) then I wouldn't be......fortunately she didn't have the brass neck to appear.

She also didn't put in an appearance at my sisters wedding a few years later even though my sister was a little more tolerant of the situation.

Undecided2012

FBaby wrote: »

No point in deciding now. You can see how it goes. In the meantime, you might get to meet her and realise she is not a horrible person after all.

My dad's father abandon him and his mum when my dad was 15 to run away with his secretary. My grand mother was understandably very hurt and out of respect, my dad stayed away from his father (who moved miles away). It's only when he was an adult that he started to have some limited contact with his father, and that was as a result of his new wife contacting him and encouraging it. My dad never got close to his dad again because of the distant and respect for his mum, but he realised that his new wife was a lovely lady who was very respectful of him. When my grand father died, she showed me the family photo albums and there was a few pictures of my grand mother and father in it which really surprised me. My dad stayed in touch with her afterwards and in closer contact with his half brother and sister who have always been very respectful of my dad.

All this to say that this women could be lovely and not all to blame for what happened. She might deserve the chance to be known and judge for the person she is rather than her involvement in a sad situation. You would feel better keeping her out of the wedding if after getting to know her, you and future wife decided you just didn't like her as a person.

Thanks for this. I'm not of the opinion that she's terrible and the route of all problems at all - I just think her being there would completely ruin the day for my would be MIL and make it awkward for my family as well as hers.

The evening this could be a good solution though, thanks for suggesting.

On a level I would like to meet her, but as we live so far away I can only really see this happening at Christmas time. Father lives about an hour from my 'home home' so it's not like we would bump into each other.

Thanks for all the calculated and balanced replies

Gigglepig

If I were your partner I would probably have asked my father and new girlfriend straight if they met and had an affair while my dad was still married. Blunt, but better than assuming the worst and being angry anyway.

If they did lie and cheat and deeply hurt my mother as a result, it would affect my respect for them to the extent that I'd probably keep my distance for a good long while.

That being said I would probably be more angry with the dad than his new partner. Without knowing specific circumstances, it makes no sense to me to invite him but not the partner. It will probably be painful for the MIL regardless.

Undecided2012

Gigglepig wrote: »

If I were your partner I would probably have asked my father and new girlfriend straight if they met and had an affair while my dad was still married. Blunt, but better than assuming the worst and being angry anyway.

If they did lie and cheat and deeply hurt my mother as a result, it would affect my respect for them to the extent that I'd probably keep my distance for a good long while.

That being said I would probably be more angry with the dad than his new partner. Without knowing specific circumstances, it makes no sense to me to invite him but not the partner. It will probably be painful for the MIL regardless.

They're not that sort of family. My partner literally has just made small talk when they've met and awkwardly ignored the issues, it's their way of dealing with things. This is not meeting a few months before, we are talking years.

Agree it will be painful either way and she would probably not want him there but we do - agree unfair to direct anger to the new woman but I suppose it's only natural.

cod3

Best wait to see how the land lies nearer the time. Your GF's mum was with this guy for many years so the hurt may be very deep.

Or elope.

arbroath_lass

I've never agreed with single invitations for weddings. Single people should have a "plus one" so you don't have to specifically invite his girlfriend. Unless it was a long term thing, I wouldn't name a girl/boyfriend on an invitation. Partners and spouses should be invited IMO.

However new partners and spouses would not sit at the top table. Again, unless it was a long term thing and the families were all comfortable with that (bride or groom had grown up with these people as family etc).

DUKE

Hmmmm very awkward, but they'll have to come together eventually otherwise one of them is always going to be left out. Maybe the sooner the better. Me & my husband only recently (after about 15 years) come together with his ex at their grandkids birthday party. Neither of us really wanted to be that close to her :eek: but we didn't want to miss out either, & it was OK actually. All the best in whatever is decided.

jellie

Your wedding is a year away, who knows what will happen in the intervening period. Your GF's mum may have remarried, as may her dad.

I reckon it's far too early to be considering whether his new partner will be invited or not. It is a painful situation now but time is a healer and I think you'll need to see nearer the time how much healing has been done.