In a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

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Raksha wrote: »

IAPT isn't available through self referral in all NHS areas, although many are working towards it. I'm still waiting for an appointment with my local MH dept 4 weeks after being in crisis and barely getting through it.

Sorry to hear that, I hope you get the help you need soon

Softasputty

livingit wrote: »

Speaking from experience it is dangerous to self diagnose but is typical of someone facing these kind of demons. The temptation is to believe that admitting there is something wrong, diagnosing and treating it shows that you are serious about changing. The reality is that it is a short term solution but considerably easier than facing up to the pain of long term, ongoing professional treatment.

The other significant barrier is accessing and receiving long term, ongoing professional treatment. Our NHS and GP's are woefully lacking in this area. In my experience it can take years of wrong diagnoses, guessing, changing meds and generally making the person feel more hopeless. It is not uncommon for people to stop counselling because they feel worse. My OH has been extremely brave in his counselling but it took years for him to come to the point where he

was desperate enough to do this and was fortunate enough to find a psychologist he felt he could open up to.

My OH was abused as a child and taken into care and this has left him with crippling anxieties the main one being fear of rejection. It is easy to see how his behaviour and actions could fit with a PD, in fact he suffers from severe depression and it has taken many years, many crisis interventions and hospital admissions for him to receive appropriate treatment and I know that he will relapse at some time in the future.

Abuse has a damning effect, my OH will spend his whole life looking for the attention and approval that he really only ever needed from his mother. My advice to you OP is that you will never fix him, yes you love him and at times like this when he is most vulnerable it hurts like hell to be the one rejecting him. As difficult as it is you have to look out for your young son, my children have suffered and I will always regret this. Your OH needs to find his own way and if he can become well enough to live as a family then that is a discussion for a future time.

I do understand that there is an underlying anxiety though, what if he totally goes off the rails while finding his own way and there is no way back. Unfortunately that is a risk you may have to take for the sake of your son and yourself. My own health has suffered considerably living with his illness.

Thanks for your post Livingit. It sounds as though our partners had similar childhoods. My partner's abuse by both his parents occurred during the 1970s when it was common to blame the abused as much as the abusers. Despite the police being called on several occasions, my partner's parents were never prosecuted for physically and sexually abusing him. His sister was also abused and ended up going into prostitution (although I believe she eventually moved away from this). My OH's father was very controlling of his mother, who was very young when she met him. Her own mental health issues were as a result of a childhood also ruined by incest. They eventually divorced and she went into a mental health residential hospital. He went on to have another long term relationship (childless I believe) and was very successful in the business world. Neither of them were ever prosecuted. My OH was actually cautioned by police at the time. He went into various children's homes that added to his trauma. One in particular was run by another male bully. His education was erratic and he came out of care at 18 with no where to go - so for a while, he had no choice but to return to his dad. All of this trauma inevitably lead to significant emotional damage - low self-esteem, an inability to handle criticism, over sensitivity, constant craving of affection and reassurance, sometimes an obsession with his own physical appearance and a belief that his odd looks make others react badly to him ( he does not look odd). On top of this, he suffers from cluster headaches (low-levels of seratonin in the brain - Prozac helps with this in balance) every few years ( these are horrendous to witness) and hypoglycaemia (low blood sugar). Despite all this, I would not say he ever appears depressed or suicidal. As described on some BPD websites, it is like he has an open wound there all the time. It never fully heals, but at times, a plaster on it helps him get through, it festers but he controls it. At other times, often unpredictably, the plaster covering the would falls away, and the pain he feels results in all his insecurities taking over. I have often been the plaster but I know he needs to find his own way to protect the wound and become more resilient.

Perhaps I have been wrong to give him hope that we will eventually be reconciled. Part of the symptoms of BPD is a tendency for the sufferer to experience an inability to let go. I am also struggling to let go of the man I love so dearly . . . I keep telling myself one day at a time.