In a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

j-josie

Twisted_Cherry wrote: »

Hello OP,

I have BPD or rather Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder as the professionals call it now!


For me I was lucky enough to get accepted on a Mentalization Based Treatment programme, a 2 year long programme with twice weekly therapy. It was incredibly difficult and an emotional journey but I am finding my life a lot better and coping a lot more with day to day things - the biggest test will be getting through the next six months now winter is approaching, as the past couple of winters I have been acutely unwell, with many hospital admissions.

Technically the NICE Guidelines are exactly what it says 'A Guideline' medication is not recommend for BPD, and therapy is... however many people with BPD do take medication whether it be on a long term or short term basis. Usually as someone else posted this is to treat other comorbidities such as Depression, Insomnia, Anxiety ]

Thank you so much for your post. My DD has BPD and I have forwarded the links on the mentalization based treatment to her. I found it really informative myself too. Thanks again for offering a positive insight into this condition

Softasputty

meritaten wrote: »

Has he actually seen a psychiatrist and asked for a diagnosis - because your post makes me think he is 'self-diagnosing' and that can be dangerous.
I don't want to try and diagnose on here - but your OH sounds complex and there may be more than one disorder, but not the ones you or he thinks.

I wouldn't live with him right now - I would make it a condition of getting back together that he gets a professional diagnosis and if that involves medication - so be it.

We are not living together at the moment but I see him at weekends when he visits our son. It is very early days but I do love him and can see how much he loves me. However, trusting him fully is going to take a lot longer. He is taking 20mg of fluoxetine and is using 'mindfulness' to get through our separation and his feelings of guilt and loneliness. He tells me that the realisation that he has BPD (and he says he is certain 100%) has helped him the most and that the mindfulness technique is working for him. He is not drinking alcohol as he knows he reacts badly to it - he says he is never going to drink again - and he has not started smoking again (legal or illegal) despite living with someone now who is a heavy smoker.

He is certain that he will never hurt me again. Losing his family, has been a huge wake up call. He says he loves me and has always loved me. He does not want anyone else and will wait for me as long as it takes. I am taking things very, very slowly. I cannot allow him to return so soon before I am virtually certain he means what he says. Our son is my number 1 priority and securing our future. We spent most of today together as a family. It was lovely and we reconnected as we haven't for many months. After our son went to bed, we kissed and cuddled but that was it. He has now returned to where he I staying until next weekend. We Skype most evenings for 10 - 30 minutes. I feel sad when he is gone but, although he is certain he can control this 'emotional disorder' whatever it is - I am not. It's too soon. He is showing me the side of him I love dearly but I have not forgotten was his other 'personality' and the things he has done when this side is dominating. Despite the horror of those times, I can't let go of the man I love.

Softasputty

deannatrois wrote: »

I had an on off relationship with someone who seems to have undiagnosed mental health problems.., similiar history to your ex.

Our active relationship was for over 8 years. Sometimes living together, sometimes not, sometimes without any contact at all.

We are now totally split up and enough has happened that I know we will never have a relationship again. But the worst of it is, that while I was on this 'voyage' my children were hurt, emotionally.

There is something about partners of people like this that wants to be the 'rescuer', but what you actually are is an enabler. I realise this now. My ex has hurt us emotionally and financially over and over, but its ME that kept going back to the relationship.

The reason I am writing is I want to warn you against feeling sorry for him, don't get dragged into 'I'm getting better, I understand more' stuff. Been there, done it. Unless he sees the need for therapy for himself, its only a phase. In the right circumstances he will forget all that in an instance.., and even limited contact with your son is enough to cause harm emotionally to your son.

I would do anything now to go back to the start of the relationship and have opportunity to walk away again. With the children of course. But walk away I would.

Thank you for your post. I appreciate your honesty and advice. It is because of my son that I asked my partner to leave this time and plan to stick to it until I can be virtually certain that he will dedicate himself to us. If he was the sort of man to just walk away, it would have been easier but I would never stop him seeing our son. I know he will always be in our life and I am finding it hard to detach myself from caring about him and loving him when he is 'well'. To some BPD suffers that might sound fickle but for 10 years I have taken more rough than the smooth. I have to hold onto these memories, keep them in view as I know how much he wants me to say come back now all is forgiven. If it was just me and him, I might do this but I need to wait a lot longer because of our son. 'Mindfulness' is working for him now but I want to see the evidence of it helping him through starting a new job which he is hunting for at the moment. At the moment, he just has to deal with himself, me and his close friends. The real test will be his new work colleagues and having to go to work every day like I do. This has always been a big issue for him, as well as facing up to my family and friends.:eek:

applecrumble24

If he can't get anywhere with his gp, try your local IAPT (improving access to psychological therapies) team. You can self refer and they have pyschiatric health professionals on their teams that can help.

pinknfluffy0

To everyone saying go to the gp, it's not that easy. I spent years going to different doctors, I cried, begged, pleaded and go no where.

Raksha

IAPT isn't available through self referral in all NHS areas, although many are working towards it. I'm still waiting for an appointment with my local MH dept 4 weeks after being in crisis and barely getting through it.

Softasputty

Thank you so much for your post. My DD has BPD and I have forwarded the links on the mentalization based treatment to her. I found it really informative myself too. Thanks again for offering a positive insight into this condition [/QUOTE]

:j

Softasputty

applecrumble24 wrote: »

If he can't get anywhere with his gp, try your local IAPT (improving access to psychological therapies) team. You can self refer and they have pyschiatric health professionals on their teams that can help.

I have sent him the link - thank you. There is a self- referral phone number for the area I live in and where he is now so hopefully he will call and ask for support.:rotfl:

Softasputty

Raksha wrote: »

IAPT isn't available through self referral in all NHS areas, although many are working towards it. I'm still waiting for an appointment with my local MH dept 4 weeks after being in crisis and barely getting through it.

My sympathies - hold in there!:T

livingit

Speaking from experience it is dangerous to self diagnose but is typical of someone facing these kind of demons. The temptation is to believe that admitting there is something wrong, diagnosing and treating it shows that you are serious about changing. The reality is that it is a short term solution but considerably easier than facing up to the pain of long term, ongoing professional treatment.

The other significant barrier is accessing and receiving long term, ongoing professional treatment. Our NHS and GP's are woefully lacking in this area. In my experience it can take years of wrong diagnoses, guessing, changing meds and generally making the person feel more hopeless. It is not uncommon for people to stop counselling because they feel worse. My OH has been extremely brave in his counselling but it took years for him to come to the point where he was desperate enough to do this and was fortunate enough to find a psychologist he felt he could open up to.

My OH was abused as a child and taken into care and this has left him with crippling anxieties the main one being fear of rejection. It is easy to see how his behaviour and actions could fit with a PD, in fact he suffers from severe depression and it has taken many years, many crisis interventions and hospital admissions for him to receive appropriate treatment and I know that he will relapse at some time in the future.

Abuse has a damning effect, my OH will spend his whole life looking for the attention and approval that he really only ever needed from his mother. My advice to you OP is that you will never fix him, yes you love him and at times like this when he is most vulnerable it hurts like hell to be the one rejecting him. As difficult as it is you have to look out for your young son, my children have suffered and I will always regret this. Your OH needs to find his own way and if he can become well enough to live as a family then that is a discussion for a future time.

I do understand that there is an underlying anxiety though, what if he totally goes off the rails while finding his own way and there is no way back. Unfortunately that is a risk you may have to take for the sake of your son and yourself. My own health has suffered considerably living with his illness.