In a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Vicky123

marisco wrote: »

I'm not convinced that the OPs partner has accepted the extent of his problems at all to be honest. The OP mentioned that he suffered from mood swings, manic episodes, verbal aggression and erratic behaviour. Call me cynical but in an attempt to address this he googled 'sulkyness'! One of the least consequential effects associated to whichever condition he has. His way of approaching all this screams out 'someone in denial making a half hearted attempt to sort things out'.

OP I would be extremely wary of getting involved with this guy again until he has faced up to things properly and sought appropriate help. The resulting fall out from the way he behaves towards you and the toll that must have taken on you over the years must be huge. I hope he can be convinced to speak to professionals. He then needs to decide for himself to stick to any treatment advised following diagnosis. Only at this time would I resume any kind of relationship with him if I were you.

Yes, that's a good point, just thinking of my own experience of someone who had/has a pretty dreadful personality disorder but refuses to acknowledge the problem at any level at all, either way extremely difficult if not impossible to live with, ultimately OP will need to put her own well being first especially as 10yrs has already been spent in this situation.

esmerelda98

Okay, it seems you are not anti-medication, which was how I interpreted your post, but were advising your partner to consider other treatments as well, which is a good idea. However I think it would be better to approach his medical professionals with the idea of BPD, rather than having him 'claim' it, and have something to blame for his behaviour, when it may not be relevant.

Softasputty

Vicky123 wrote: »

I agree with Marisco, he really ought to get professional help, having said that I would take some comfort from the fact he at least acknowledges he has a problem, that's the first step.
So many people refuse to accept they have a problem in the first place and in that scenario there is absolutely no going forward.

He has always accepted that he is over sensitive, emotionally needy and scarred by his dreadful (sexual, physical and emotional abuse from the age of 5 until 12) but he has regularly fallen in to the habit of blaming others around him. Work colleagues wherever he works are always 'bullying' or 'mobbing' him. He has claimed constructive dismissal twice. I always dread him starting a new job because he tries so hard in the first few weeks, let's his guard down, opens himself up to someone because he craves attention, and then ends up sulking and falling out with people when this attention wains. I see the pattern but he just keeps repeating the same scenario over and over again. In the early days, he would just walk away from a job until he realised I would not accept this. He is highly intelligent. Despite a messed up schooling, leaving with 0 qualifications, an IQ test in his early 20s revealed his potential and his ex wife supported him through a degree. He got a first. People with BPD are often very creative, affectionate and loving. Because they feel things so deeply, they can make very loving, caring partnerships when stable, but the downside is the exact opposite. I love music. My partner plays guitar. I love literature and the arts. My partner does too; he even writes short stories. I am very drawn to him. There is no one else like him. When he is solid, he is supportive, cooks, cleans, decorates, services my car, and counsels my children BUT when he is unwell, it is a very different story. He goes off the rails. His work suffers. He stops communicating with my son and I. Stops helping in the home. Spends hours in the bedroom on his PC. Leaves all the financial worry to me. At the extreme, he lies about where he is. He goes out on his own when I think he is meeting a friend and flirts with women. Drinks when drinking makes him worse. Dabbles in soft drugs. Criticises everything I do and blames my two older children and their dad (who we never see) for him being 'an outsider'. His sex drive has always been off the scale but when he recently stopped taking his meds, it went through the roof. He blames this for him texting other women he barely knows - meeting one on two occasions and 'messing about' to make himself feel wanted. He has also signed up to inappropriate websites when 'high' on cannabis costing £400 (I found it on his credit card). The next day he cancelled them when he realised what he'd done. Run for the hills you are screaming. I have finally asked him to leave. He has but I have agreed that there is a chance of a reconciliation if he sorts himself out once and for all. Yes I'm a sucker for punishment but I do love him despite everything. No one makes me feel like him (although he has the ability to make me feel worthless too). He is the father of my son. I have put 10 years into the relationship. This is my second failed relationship ( I was married for 14 years) and I'm 46. Sorry I know I'm waffling.:D

itsanne

Whether or not your partner suffers from any specific personality disorder, let alone BPD, cannot be determined via google. My son has serious mental health issues and over the years regularly attempted self diagnosis, so I understand only too well how tempting it can be. However, if you look in detail at descriptions of lots of conditions, you could diagnose many people with a variety of them.

Your partner has focused on one aspect (and a relatively innocuous one at that) and come up with a diagnosis, but the same trait can be found in numerous conditions. If he had chosen a different trait to research he may well have decided that an alternative label was appropriate. Unfortunately, attempts at self diagnosis can be counter productive. Some conditions, and I am not getting involved with the illness or disorder aspect here, are treatable whereas others are simply manageable (or unmanageable). Without a proper diagnosis it is impossible to determine how your partner can best be helped.

The fact that your partner is attempting to self diagnose, at least shows that he recognises there is a problem, so it's a good starting point. He now needs to access proper help via his GP. If he is uncomfortable with the route that was previously suggested, he can request an alternative. He may need to be quite persistent in seeking help, but considering the impact on his (and your) life, it is important that he perseveres.

On a separate note, the idea that you are attempting to support your partner in secret is concerning. Living / being involved with someone with significant mental health difficulties is very demanding. To attempt to do so in secret will cause you even greater stress - not the ideal way of managing.

I wish you both well in this. Mental health problems are the pits.

Softasputty

marisco wrote: »

I'm not convinced that the OPs partner has accepted the extent of his problems at all to be honest. The OP mentioned that he suffered from mood swings, manic episodes, verbal aggression and erratic behaviour. Call me cynical but in an attempt to address this he googled 'sulkyness'! One of the least consequential effects associated to whichever condition he has. His way of approaching all this screams out 'someone in denial making a half hearted attempt to sort things out'.

OP I would be extremely wary of getting involved with this guy again until he has faced up to things properly and sought appropriate help. The resulting fall out from the way he behaves towards you and the toll that must have taken on you over the years must be huge. I hope he can be convinced to speak to professionals. He then needs to decide for himself to stick to any treatment advised following


diagnosis. Only at this time would I resume any kind of relationship with him if I were you.

He 'googled' sulkiness because he had recently repeated this behaviour at his new job which he started in July. Things had been going well despite all our home trauma but then a new starter had put him in the shade and 'showed him up'. He found himself going into a sulk where he cannot talk or respond. Yet again he fled to the toilet to wait until the mood passed. He claims he has no choice about this when it happens.

You are right Marisco. I have finally held firm and made him leave but I have also agreed to him Skyping my son each night and talking to him myself. The day he left (only last Tuesday), he wrote me a letter and read it to me - telling me that he would do anything to get me back again. I cried buckets. He came to see my son yesterday. I went out to do errands but I spent time with him also. We had a hug and a cuddle while watching my favourite movie with our son but he left at 9.00. He is living an hour and a half a way. He is coming back on Thursday to pick our son up from school and look after him as I'm a teacher and have parents evening. I have no close family apart from my two eldest (one at uni) to rely on. He will always be in my life which makes it doubly harder to let go.

DomRavioli

Hi OP,

I have BPD - diagnosed almost 10 years ago now. Your partner needs to see someone as soon as possible to get a diagnosis of whatever it is - the sooner your OH gets a diagnosis, the sooner they can go on the never ending waiting lists (I'm talking years per treatment in some areas - but don't be disheartened) for treatments.

In respect of medication - BPD can't be treated with medication, but its side effects and comorbidities can be, which is probably why the prozac isn't working - if it isn't for something specific, then its not going to be helping.

If your OH self-harms (big part of most BPD diagnoses), then he may be referred for DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) which can take place in like a day centre where you attend for a day a week, sometimes more, until you are able to cope with the disorder in a rational and emotionally stable manner.
they may also go to psychotherapy which is usually around the 6 month duration mark, but can be longer if that is needed.

If you want to know anything else, PM me if you want. I have some awesome links, let me know if you want them posting.

Also, check out the NICE guidelines on BPD - they are great for understanding the condition and its treatments.

Softasputty

starlight29 wrote: »

my sister has bi polar and personality disorder she was diagnosed after almost 2 years of assesments by a psychologist and his team you definately cant self diagnose these things its hard enough for experts to do it. my sister is on medications again shes been on a few sort of trial and error she works full time which helps her and she has a crisis team and keyworker all of which are invaluable to meet her you wouldnt know there was anything wrong at all shes married and a lovely person ( just dont cross her lol)
honestly you need to see professionals for this kind of diagnosis

starlight

Did she get diagnosed via her GP?

Softasputty

esmerelda98 wrote: »

Certainly I agree with other posters who have suggested seeking professional advice. It would be unfortunate to continue to subject yourself and your son to these disturbing behaviours because you have a strong anti-medication opinion. There may well be downsides to medication, but they are likely to be better than continuing to live this way, especially for your son, who, depending on his age, may be at risk of becoming emotionally disturbed himself if left in such an environment long-term.

I wanted to point out that your opinion that bipolar affective disorder is a personality disorder is wrong, and further strengthens my belief that both of you really don't know what you are dealing with. Bipolar disorder is considered a mental illness, which is differentiated from personality disorders by being treatable, rather than manageable to a


much lesser extent (personality disorders).

I didn't mean I'm anti meds. I am the one who pushed him to go back on his meds. I just was asking about other approaches to run alongside medication.

Softasputty

esmerelda98 wrote: »

Certainly I agree with other posters who have suggested seeking professional advice. It would be unfortunate to continue to subject yourself and your son to these disturbing behaviours because you have a strong anti-medication opinion. There may well be downsides to medication, but they are likely to be better than continuing to live this way, especially for your son, who, depending on his age, may be at risk of becoming emotionally disturbed himself if left in such an environment long-term.

I wanted to point out that your opinion that bipolar affective disorder is a personality disorder is wrong, and further strengthens my belief that both of you really don't know what you are dealing with. Bipolar disorder is considered a mental illness, which is differentiated from personality disorders by being treatable, rather than manageable to a much lesser extent (personality disorders).

I have very limited knowledge of Bi Polar or any other mental health condition. However, I have lived with someone for 10 years who has mental health/emotional difficulties. I made the link to Bi Polar only because my OH told me that his mom had been diagnosed and his last knowledge of her was that she was sectioned and in a residential hospital. I will urge my OH to go back to his GP and seek help. His only worry is that this will prevent him from securing another job if he is diagnosed. As long as he gets help, does he need a diagnosis?

Softasputty

skattykatty wrote: »

Borderline Personality Disorder can only be diagnosed by a doctor. Your partner can go back the GP and insist that he be referred on to a secondary mental health service. IF his self-diagnosis is accurate you may be fortunate to live in an area where there is fantastic support for people with BPD.

By working on developing his mindfulness, your partner is finding a way to support himself in a manner that is, perhaps, recommended for us all, whether or not we have a diagnosable mental health disorder. This is a great step towards self-support.

I'm sure there are plenty of people on this forum who have experience of loved ones diagnosed with BPD, however, you do not know for sure what 'condition' you and your partner are living with. For example, you have considered bi-polar affective disroder, which has been linked to genetic causes and requires a balance of medication in order to stabilise patients. Anti-depressants are not enough. Some people can go years taking anti-depressants before bi-polar disorder is diagnosed, particularly if it's bi-polar II. This is beyond a GPs remit I imagine. So, if you don't know, please get professional help with this.

My OH has said that already mindfulness techniques are helping him cope with his feelings and our separation. It surely can't hurt. I am familiar with the technique from my university days when I studied Buddhism. At the same time, I would feel more reassured if he sought professional help rather than just relying on self- help techniques.