In a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Twisted_Cherry

Jenny484 wrote: »

I have been in a relationship with one. I would probably honestly advise most people to run and never look back.

I can't think of anything being more destructive to a relationship. It is probably different from case to case but I was fearing my safety and own sanity so had to leave.

Now it is that kind of attitude that really stinks, :mad: no doubt it is someone who has little understand on BPD!

Perhaps you should take a look at this blog A Carer's Eyes, and experience what it is like to actually care about someone with BPD!

Softasputty

I can only echo what other people here have said and that is to see his GP and get a referral to a psychiatrist who CAN diagnose him or at least assess him for mental health problems, and perhaps look past the depression.


First and foremost, get your partner to see his GP, do not self diagnose since it was be most unhelpful in the long run. Finally good luck![/QUOTE]

He has agreed to see his GP again but says it is not his priority as he is not convinced that another referral to Mental Health Service will be any better than last time. The big thing for him he says is finally knowing what he is suffering from. He says this knowledge has helped him understand himself. He has ordered a book on Amazon called Mindfulness and BPD. He tells me he is watching lots of self-help American You tube videos and has sent me links to them.

I want to believe him that he will never treat me as badly as he did from June through to the middle of August. During this time the Jekyll and Hyde really came back after about 4 years of stability (for him). What changed? He stopped taking his then medication (sertraline) suddenly but did not tell me. He started smoking again after giving up for several years. I found out he was smoking cannabis. His sex drive seemed to go through the roof (GP says this was stopping the tablets). He told me he was going out for a quiet drink with a male ex-work colleague, then rings me up at 3.30am to tell me he'd crashed the car (wasn't his fault - someone hit him and drove off). This is the second time in 10 years that he has been acting recklessly and written off a car. He couldn't ring police because he was over the limit. On way home he smashes his contract phone (to destroy evidence !!!??!!) and I end up paying for his car to be towed to be scrapped. Over the next few days it emerges that he was not with a friend. Basically, he'd gone out on the pull (change of clothes in car). The accident happened when he was giving a girl he had met a lift home. After a week of tears and arguing, he admits he had met her a few weeks before but they'd only had oral sex once! I check his phone bill and find numerous texts to a number in the early hours of the same night out. This turns out to be someone else who he got chatting to outside a coffee shop. All single, lonely women looking for love so giving him all the attention he craves. Just when I think it can't get any worse, I find out he has signed up to adult find a friend websites while stoned that have cost him £400. He shows me emails to prove he cancelled them the following day. This is what I've been going through and why I eventually told him it was over. In the days, he was getting ready to leave, he discovers BPD . . . He tells me every day how much he loves me, how sorry he is for all he has done, and that he will never do it again . . . I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Softasputty

Jenny484 wrote: »

I have been in a relationship with one. I would probably honestly advise most people to run and never look back.

I can't think of anything being more destructive to a relationship. It is probably different from case to case but I was fearing my safety and own sanity so had to leave.

I have known this destruction, pain and fear. I have come to doubt my own mind and judgement. I am fed up of being a doormat, being the strong one, picking up the pieces BUT if it is an illness - a treatable illness - can I help him recover? can we recover from this very low point? I do miss him already and he's only been gone a week. I sound pathetic, don't I?

Jenny484

You know Twisted Cherry you know nothing about me as a person. I was honest to talk about my own situation.

Do you think I haven't tried making my relationship work for a sustained period of time? Don't you think I tried motivating him to go see the GP (which he refused t,o, same as medication), counselling (which never worked).

Do you think I should be with someone who turned a kitchen knife at me? Emailed my work to bad-mouth me? Called me a !!!!!!, fat, ugly and all names under the sun? Someone who was lazy beyond belief?

Your post just aggrevates me. If you want to give up your own life looking after someone with BPD, suit yourself..........

System

I have not suffered from this condition but have in the past suffered from depression and anxiety.

One thing that all mental conditions have in common is that beyond a certain point, the sufferer is in no fit state of mind to self diagnose or get too far without help. Trust me, he will not fix himself no matter what he tries.

mowdrops

My husband has bi polar and we have been married for 46 years. We have 3 grown up children and 2 lovely grandchildren. Hubby takes lithium and anti depressants occasionally and I can honestly say we have had very good doctors. Please get your other half to get help, it is out there. We do have some ups and downs but since he has been on lithium I can honestly say we have a very happy marriage.

Netwizard

sukysue wrote: »

My bf has bpd and I am really fed up of her behaviour. She has delusions of grandeur , spends money like water, cries all the time and constantly moans about her health. Everything is ott and blown out of proportion and she shouts and complains about everything and everyone. I hate ringing her as she answers the phone with a hello sounding as if you are being a right nuisance phoning her. She also goes through periods of not emailing or ringing for a week at a time and then saying to me that she hasn't heard from me! I am so fed up of her if your oh is anything like this then he has got bpd trust me you should run a mile while you can. She also doesn't take her tablets every day and I can tell when she has missed even one!

I have a friend like this also. I have distanced myself from, because its bloody hard work and was dragging me down too.

I could not ever be in a relationship with someone with BPD but respect to those who can

Raksha

I was diagnosed BPD last year, after 40 odd years of recurrent depression, inability to hold down a job, difficulties with personal relationships, one broken marriage...
However, I have been in a reasonably stable relationship for nearly 20 years, mainly because my partner has the patience of a saint. He knows how important it is to reassure me, and if he does need space, that I know when he will be back. The most important thing I have learnt is that I 'split' and there will be times that I believe I woukd be better off without him, but this is my BPD talking. Im learning, with support from a BPD Support group on Facebook how to evaluate my thoughts in a 'mindful'way. Unfortunately DBT isn't available in my area, so my psychiatrist and GP just keep me going with anti depressants (currently fluoxetine/Prozac) . Its very hard to accept I will probably have to take them for the rest of my life, and when im feling 'ell' I want to stop taking them, thinking im all recovered, but this may never happen. Because there is so little they can do, they do tend to try and wash their hands of you.

Its very hurtful when people tar all BPDs with the same brush, my OH says im no more difficult to live with than he is, but then he has his 'funny little ways' too... normal is over rated...

meritaten

Has he actually seen a psychiatrist and asked for a diagnosis - because your post makes me think he is 'self-diagnosing' and that can be dangerous.
I don't want to try and diagnose on here - but your OH sounds complex and there may be more than one disorder, but not the ones you or he thinks.

I wouldn't live with him right now - I would make it a condition of getting back together that he gets a professional diagnosis and if that involves medication - so be it.

[Deleted User]

I had an on off relationship with someone who seems to have undiagnosed mental health problems.., similiar history to your ex.

Our active relationship was for over 8 years. Sometimes living together, sometimes not, sometimes without any contact at all.

We are now totally split up and enough has happened that I know we will never have a relationship again. But the worst of it is, that while I was on this 'voyage' my children were hurt, emotionally.

There is something about partners of people like this that wants to be the 'rescuer', but what you actually are is an enabler. I realise this now. My ex has hurt us emotionally and financially over and over, but its ME that kept going back to the relationship.

The reason I am writing is I want to warn you against feeling sorry for him, don't get dragged into 'I'm getting better, I understand more' stuff. Been there, done it. Unless he sees the need for therapy for himself, its only a phase. In the right circumstances he will forget all that in an instance.., and even limited contact with your son is enough to cause harm emotionally to your son.

I would do anything now to go back to the start of the relationship and have opportunity to walk away again. With the children of course. But walk away I would.