In a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

Softasputty

After a 10 year relationship, my partner and I have just separated (last week). We are considering a trial separation until the New Year. He has always struggled with his mental health as he was abused by his parents as a child and was taken into care in his early teens. I still love him and he loves me but the last few months have been particularly hard. If it was just me dealing with my OH's mood swings, manic episodes, verbal aggression and erratic behaviour, I would continue but we have a son to think about and I have 2 older children who have urged me to make the break. I always encouraged my partner to seek medical help beyond medication but his only foray into this made him feel worse. I had always thought he had a personality disorder and suggested he had Bi polar (his mum did), but after all this time, he googled 'sulkyness' as this is one of his tendencies and he discovered BPD. Since this discovery, he has read loads and encouraged me to do so. We both 'see' him in the information we read. He has discovered a technique called 'mindfulness' and he claims using this strategy is helping him already. It is early days but I have agreed to stay as 'boyfriend and girlfriend' and give him time to prove to me that he can manage his condition and return to our lives permanently. We are taking it one day at a time. My family think it is a permanent situation. My emotions are too raw to see clearly at the moment what I want. I was just wondering if any of you have experience of a loved one with BPD?:o

marisco_2

I have no experience of this condition. I do think that your partner using google to self diagnose what sounds like a very complex problem is unwise. If he were serious about seeking help and addressing his issues he would approach his gp or other professionals and take their advice and support.

Tiddlywinks

I agree with Marisco... Your OH needs to seek professional support to obtain an accurate diagnosis and then treatment should follow based on that.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Vicky123

I agree with Marisco, he really ought to get professional help, having said that I would take some comfort from the fact he at least acknowledges he has a problem, that's the first step.
So many people refuse to accept they have a problem in the first place and in that scenario there is absolutely no going forward.

marisco_2

Vicky123 wrote: »

I would take some comfort from the fact he at least acknowledges he has a problem, that's the first step.

So many people refuse to accept they have a problem in the first place and in that scenario there is absolutely no going forward.

I'm not convinced that the OPs partner has accepted the extent of his problems at all to be honest. The OP mentioned that he suffered from mood swings, manic episodes, verbal aggression and erratic behaviour. Call me cynical but in an attempt to address this he googled 'sulkyness'! One of the least consequential effects associated to whichever condition he has. His way of approaching all this screams out 'someone in denial making a half hearted attempt to sort things out'.

OP I would be extremely wary of getting involved with this guy again until he has faced up to things properly and sought appropriate help. The resulting fall out from the way he behaves towards you and the toll that must have taken on you over the years must be huge. I hope he can be convinced to speak to professionals. He then needs to decide for himself to stick to any treatment advised following diagnosis. Only at this time would I resume any kind of relationship with him if I were you.

Softasputty

marisco wrote: »

I have no experience of this condition. I do think that your partner using google to self diagnose what sounds like a very complex problem is unwise. If he were serious about seeking help and addressing his issues he would approach his gp or other professionals and take their advice and support.

My partner has seen his GP regularly since he moved to this area to live with me, and prior to this, his GP in his home town. They have never 'diagnosed' his emotional difficulties. He has taken medication on and off for years (Prozac). He recently stopped taking them suddenly which his GP said would have lead to an increase in risk taking behaviour and other manic behaviours. I think in this country it is really difficult to get the appropriate treatment for mental health conditions. He has always been highly sensitive to others opinions of him, often responding by sulking, fleeing a situation, flaming others or responding with extreme behaviour. There has always been a pattern to his behaviour, particularly in his work life, where he has struggled to get on with work colleagues and hold down a job. However, there have also been long periods of stability where he has been more stable; his last job lasted for 4 years before he took voluntary redundancy. My partner says he has never really seen his problems as an emotional disorder until stumbling upon information about BPD. He always thought it was a neurological problem. He feels like he has had a revelation - a light bulb moment. He feels almost certain that now he knows what's wrong - he can deal with it. He has been watching hours of you tube self- help videos while stay with a friend back in his home town. I want him to seek something more concrete which is why I'm asking forum members if they have any knowledge of this disorder.

Softasputty

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

I agree with Marisco... Your OH needs to seek professional support to obtain an accurate diagnosis and then treatment should follow based on that.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Tiddlywinks please see my most recent post. Does he go his GP and say I think I have this disorder? He recently saw his GP who is close to my home to go back on to Prozac. He is now taking Fluroxetine again. My partner also suffers from cluster headaches but only every couple of years and blood sugar difficulties.

starlight29

my sister has bi polar and personality disorder she was diagnosed after almost 2 years of assesments by a psychologist and his team you definately cant self diagnose these things its hard enough for experts to do it. my sister is on medications again shes been on a few sort of trial and error she works full time which helps her and she has a crisis team and keyworker all of which are invaluable to meet her you wouldnt know there was anything wrong at all shes married and a lovely person ( just dont cross her lol)
honestly you need to see professionals for this kind of diagnosis

starlight

starlight29

oh and yes he needs to see his gp i wouldnt say i think i have this but he needs to go into detail explain all his symptoms and how hes feeling that way the gp can make his own assesment and refer if your not happy try a different gp it can help sometimes for a fresh pair of eyes to look at the situation

starlight

esmerelda98

Certainly I agree with other posters who have suggested seeking professional advice. It would be unfortunate to continue to subject yourself and your son to these disturbing behaviours because you have a strong anti-medication opinion. There may well be downsides to medication, but they are likely to be better than continuing to live this way, especially for your son, who, depending on his age, may be at risk of becoming emotionally disturbed himself if left in such an environment long-term.

I wanted to point out that your opinion that bipolar affective disorder is a personality disorder is wrong, and further strengthens my belief that both of you really don't know what you are dealing with. Bipolar disorder is considered a mental illness, which is differentiated from personality disorders by being treatable, rather than manageable to a much lesser extent (personality disorders).

skattykatty

Borderline Personality Disorder can only be diagnosed by a doctor. Your partner can go back the GP and insist that he be referred on to a secondary mental health service. IF his self-diagnosis is accurate you may be fortunate to live in an area where there is fantastic support for people with BPD.

By working on developing his mindfulness, your partner is finding a way to support himself in a manner that is, perhaps, recommended for us all, whether or not we have a diagnosable mental health disorder. This is a great step towards self-support.

I'm sure there are plenty of people on this forum who have experience of loved ones diagnosed with BPD, however, you do not know for sure what 'condition' you and your partner are living with. For example, you have considered bi-polar affective disroder, which has been linked to genetic causes and requires a balance of medication in order to stabilise patients. Anti-depressants are not enough. Some people can go years taking anti-depressants before bi-polar disorder is diagnosed, particularly if it's bi-polar II. This is beyond a GPs remit I imagine. So, if you don't know, please get professional help with this.