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What would you do ? MIL question
Edwardia
Posts: 9,170 Forumite
Husband is starting new job next month, with a commute on another line which will take him through the village his mother lives in.
His current employers owe him money going back months and he was so short on a couple of months he's had to ask his mother for money. This was the last straw for him hence moving. I got him a small tax refund though so we're OK now and he's on HR's case every day.
MIL lives on her own and because she can't get out much due to ill health, her now adult children always want her money - particularly the youngest daughter.
When husband went to see her last weekend he came back saying his mum fed up with the youngest daughter - who works full-time and is now starting to park her own daughter (the granddaughter) on their mum to feed several days a week while his sister stays over with new bf in long distance relationship.
Not only did his sister not give money for food to their mum she has been asking for dosh again.
As I say she works full-time, has a convertible Merc and a wealthy bf. She smokes though and OH thinks she may be an alcoholic.
As soon as OH gets the money he's owed I want him to give the £500 back to his mother, though she has said no he shouldn't. I don't want his mother giving his hard-fought for hard-earned cash to his sister though.
Not only is the sister biggest female dawg I've ever met, she's got a criminal record and only her mother is talking to her because of all the grief she has caused - none of her siblings or cousins will have anything to do with her. She even gave her mother stolen goods as presents.
OH says if his mother says it's OK it's OK. He said he'd get her flowers and stop by more often in future - we live nearly 50 miles away.
I'd like to get her some food delivered, be it Sainsbury's, Iceland, Ocado, Tesco - whatever she wants. OH says it will only end up being scoffed by the bratty granddaughter.
So to summarise, when OH gets money owed I want to give back £500 to his mum. She said no it's OK he should spend it on us.
Neither he nor I want his sister getting any of the £500. He doesn't want it used to feed his bratty niece either, he thinks his sister should feed her own daughter not park her like a dog in kennels on their mum.
Should I give up, accept the money and not get involved ? Buy his mum presents not give dosh or food ? What would you do ?
His current employers owe him money going back months and he was so short on a couple of months he's had to ask his mother for money. This was the last straw for him hence moving. I got him a small tax refund though so we're OK now and he's on HR's case every day.
MIL lives on her own and because she can't get out much due to ill health, her now adult children always want her money - particularly the youngest daughter.
When husband went to see her last weekend he came back saying his mum fed up with the youngest daughter - who works full-time and is now starting to park her own daughter (the granddaughter) on their mum to feed several days a week while his sister stays over with new bf in long distance relationship.
Not only did his sister not give money for food to their mum she has been asking for dosh again.
As I say she works full-time, has a convertible Merc and a wealthy bf. She smokes though and OH thinks she may be an alcoholic.
As soon as OH gets the money he's owed I want him to give the £500 back to his mother, though she has said no he shouldn't. I don't want his mother giving his hard-fought for hard-earned cash to his sister though.
Not only is the sister biggest female dawg I've ever met, she's got a criminal record and only her mother is talking to her because of all the grief she has caused - none of her siblings or cousins will have anything to do with her. She even gave her mother stolen goods as presents.
OH says if his mother says it's OK it's OK. He said he'd get her flowers and stop by more often in future - we live nearly 50 miles away.
I'd like to get her some food delivered, be it Sainsbury's, Iceland, Ocado, Tesco - whatever she wants. OH says it will only end up being scoffed by the bratty granddaughter.
So to summarise, when OH gets money owed I want to give back £500 to his mum. She said no it's OK he should spend it on us.
Neither he nor I want his sister getting any of the £500. He doesn't want it used to feed his bratty niece either, he thinks his sister should feed her own daughter not park her like a dog in kennels on their mum.
Should I give up, accept the money and not get involved ? Buy his mum presents not give dosh or food ? What would you do ?
0
Comments
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It's not the granddaughter's fault, however bratty she is.
Maybe put it in a separate account in the short term and discuss again in a couple of months?
In the meantime, is there any support she would like with regard to the sponging daughter? Could she stay at yours more often, so the daughter can't get to her for money so often?0 -
My mum lent me £1000 for part of the house deposit, she says I don't need to pay her this back but I feel guilty not doing so...what your MIL would do with the money is up to her though, I think you need to take the sister out of the equation basicly.
I myself have a sister who is care-free (as much as I love her) and dumps my niece on short notice with my Mum and I have lent her money in the past (she actally owes me £500 that ill probally not get but I dont begrudge her for it)
Anyway - my plan is just to put money aside each month and when I have the full thousand I will just keep it to one side and give it her back when she needs it as I know she wouldn't take it back otherwise but once her car breaks down etc... it will be a nice suprize for her :-)
Long term if she never has use for it I will give it to my children as I am saving hoping to save 20k for them by time their 18.People don't know what they want until you show them.0 -
Maybe put it in a separate account in the short term and discuss again in a couple of months?
In the meantime, is there any support she would like with regard to the sponging daughter? Could she stay at yours more often, so the daughter can't get to her for money so often?
If she will let you, this is the best thing you and your OH can do for her.
It would be worth reading up on the problem - https://www.elderabuse.org.uk/ - it's not a problem that's going to go away.0 -
Was the money given to you a gift, with no strings attached?
If it was, then I'd return the favour in exactly the same way.
It seems as though you consider it acceptable when you ask your MIL for money, but not when your SIL does, but the reality is its completely up to her what she does with her money and how much she has her granddaughter.
Calling your niece a brat isn't very nice at all.0 -
I'm pleased OH will get to see his mother more, I don't mind if he sees her every night Mon-Fri unless we have plans to go to cinema.
I won't have her here, she has a chip on both shoulders, a sharp tongue and an aggressive bullying nature and she and OH's youngest sister were both nasty to me. OH didn't believe me until he read letter from his sister full of lies - he and his dad confronted his wife and daughter with the letter.
OH doesn't particularly want her here either. He seems to find being around my mother more relaxing and he told her weekend before last she can come here any time she likes.
I don't hate MIL and I feel sorry for her that her sons and daughters see her as a cash cow. I don't want OH to be like them though, hence wanting him to give the money back.
I didn't ask MIL for money, OH did. He didn't have to, I would have used my overdraft facility to loan him the money temporarily. My mother would have loaned me the money too. I guess he felt if he asked his mother he wouldn't have to give it back. I think he should though.
Niece is a mini version of her mother actually. OH talks to one brother and his mother and not the rest now so it's not me. They were dysfunctional before I even met him. OH and the middle brother and his wife are lovely.
I don't want to get involved in their drama and as I don't hate MIL I'm quite prepared to give her help providing I don't have to risk my safety again.0 -
Husband is starting new job next month, with a commute on another line which will take him through the village his mother lives in.
His current employers owe him money going back months and he was so short on a couple of months he's had to ask his mother for money. This was the last straw for him hence moving. I got him a small tax refund though so we're OK now and he's on HR's case every day.
MIL lives on her own and because she can't get out much due to ill health, her now adult children always want her money - particularly the youngest daughter.
When husband went to see her last weekend he came back saying his mum fed up with the youngest daughter - who works full-time and is now starting to park her own daughter (the granddaughter) on their mum to feed several days a week while his sister stays over with new bf in long distance relationship.
Not only did his sister not give money for food to their mum she has been asking for dosh again.
As I say she works full-time, has a convertible Merc and a wealthy bf. She smokes though and OH thinks she may be an alcoholic.
As soon as OH gets the money he's owed I want him to give the £500 back to his mother, though she has said no he shouldn't. I don't want his mother giving his hard-fought for hard-earned cash to his sister though.
Not only is the sister biggest female dawg I've ever met, she's got a criminal record and only her mother is talking to her because of all the grief she has caused - none of her siblings or cousins will have anything to do with her. She even gave her mother stolen goods as presents.
OH says if his mother says it's OK it's OK. He said he'd get her flowers and stop by more often in future - we live nearly 50 miles away.
I'd like to get her some food delivered, be it Sainsbury's, Iceland, Ocado, Tesco - whatever she wants. OH says it will only end up being scoffed by the bratty granddaughter.
So to summarise, when OH gets money owed I want to give back £500 to his mum. She said no it's OK he should spend it on us.
Neither he nor I want his sister getting any of the £500. He doesn't want it used to feed his bratty niece either, he thinks his sister should feed her own daughter not park her like a dog in kennels on their mum.
Should I give up, accept the money and not get involved ? Buy his mum presents not give dosh or food ? What would you do ?
Wow.
I would repay your MIL the £500 that she loaned to your husband, and let her spend it as she wishes - ultimately it is her money (not your 'husband's hard fought for cash'), it is not up to you or your husband what she does with it. If she chooses to spend it feeding her grandchild, so be it. If she doesn't want to do this, then it is up to her to say 'no'.
Your husband and his sister both work, so looking at it as an outsider, there is not much difference between either of them getting money from their mother. If your husband is okay with the idea of not repaying it, how can he be so offended by the idea of his niece benefitting from it?
For your husband to say that he doesn't want his mother to spend money feeding her 'bratty grandchild', just sounds so nasty. In fact, the way that you both speak about his sister and niece (who after all is a child, so innocent in all of this) is actually pretty nasty.0 -
Wow.
I would repay your MIL the £500 that she loaned to your husband, and let her spend it as she wishes - ultimately it is her money (not your 'husband's hard fought for cash'), it is not up to you or your husband what she does with it. If she chooses to spend it feeding her grandchild, so be it. If she doesn't want to do this, then it is up to her to say 'no'.
Your husband and his sister both work, so looking at it as an outsider, there is not much difference between either of them getting money from their mother. If your husband is okay with the idea of not repaying it, how can he be so offended by the idea of his niece benefitting from it?
For your husband to say that he doesn't want his mother to spend money feeding her 'bratty grandchild', just sounds so nasty. In fact, the way that you both speak about his sister and niece (who after all is a child, so innocent in all of this) is actually pretty nasty.
Well said and spot on :T. I wish I could thank you more than once!0 -
Wish I could thank sulkisu twice for this /\ /\ /\ /\
Edit: fab forty beat me to itLife is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.0 -
It's HER money though. It's not your husband's. She lent it to him and he'll be paying her back. What she does with it is absolutely none of your business! Why would you have a problem with her spending HER OWN money any way she likes? She could feed it to the ducks if she so wished, and you wouldn't have a word to say about it. What a nasty attitude you two have...:cool:0
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