What would you do ? MIL question

SuzieSue

If your MIL has told your OH that he doesn't need to pay it back then just keep it to one side just in case she needs it some time in the future.

The only reason to pay it back would be if you think she might use it against you in the future, but from what you've said, she doesn't seem to be that sort of person.

It will probably make her happy if your OH doesn't pay it back because she probably wants to treat all her children equally and knows how much she has given to your sister in law and just wants to even things out.

Top_Girl

zagfles wrote: »

Yes, it does sound hypocritical. But so do all the replies which state "it's the MIL's money and it's up to her what she does with it", yet then advise the OP to repay it when the MIL has said to keep it! So it's OK for the MIL to choose to spend the money on the "errant" younger daughter, but not the OP's OH?

Come on, be consistent. Don't tell the OP the MIL can do what she likes with her own money, and then tell her to ignore the MIL's wishes for them to keep it!

But if the MIL is saying the same about money loaned/given to OP's SIL and she is taking it at face value and keeping it, which is hardly outside the realms of probability, then how can they judge her for keeping any money she is given, yet consider doing the same themselves?

As for the granddaughter, accusing a child of 'scoffing' food at her grandmother's is nothing short of abhorrent. I was always fed at my grandmother's house and have been and will be eternally grateful for her providing where my parents failed me. The grandmother is to be commended for this and the granddaughter, as a CHILD, should not be insulted for it.

zagfles

Top_Girl wrote: »

But if the MIL is saying the same about money loaned/given to OP's SIL and she is taking it at face value and keeping it, which is hardly outside the realms of probability, then how can they judge her for keeping any money she is given, yet consider doing the same themselves?

As for the granddaughter, accusing a child of 'scoffing' food at her grandmother's is nothing short of abhorrent. I was always fed at my grandmother's house and have been and will be eternally grateful for her providing where my parents failed me. The grandmother is to be commended for this and the granddaughter, as a CHILD, should not be insulted for it.

Yes, it's hypocritical, as I said, but so are all the replies telling her she's as bad the "errant" daughter, but then telling her she shouldn't allow the MIL to give her OH the money but it's OK to give it to the daughter? Err...

Top_Girl

zagfles wrote: »

Yes, it's hypocritical, as I said, but so are all the replies telling her she's as bad the "errant" daughter, but then telling her she shouldn't allow the MIL to give her OH the money but it's OK to give it to the daughter? Err...

If I was criticising a sibling for taking money from a parent, I wouldn't take money from them myself, let alone consider not paying it back.

HPoirot

zagfles wrote: »

Yes, it's hypocritical, as I said, but so are all the replies telling her she's as bad the "errant" daughter, but then telling her she shouldn't allow the MIL to give her OH the money but it's OK to give it to the daughter? Err...

"... or the OH will end up as bad as the sister."

Just completing the logical conclusion that you missed.

Which is not hypocritical or inconsistent advice in the least.

zagfles

Top_Girl wrote: »

If I was criticising a sibling for taking money from a parent, I wouldn't take money from them myself, let alone consider not paying it back.

And if I was lecturing someone that a parent can do what they like with their own money, I wouldn't then be telling them to ignore the parent's wishes as to what they want to do with the money in the next sentence!

HPoirot

zagfles wrote: »

And if I was lecturing someone that a parent can do what they like with their own money, I wouldn't then be telling them to ignore the parent's wishes as to what they want to do with the money in the next sentence!

And what did the parent want to do with their money? Nothing at all, until they were asked for it. You missed the point that it was not a gift but a loan that was asked for. As for keeping the money, again as above, what if she said that to the sister as well?

Edwardia

Talked to OH over dinner..

First off he told me that he thinks the company he works for may be in dire straits financially or heading there, because the managers' on call payment arrangements and the overtime arrangements for his team have been changed and the cut off dates for payment moved. This means a cut in pay and the payments being paid two months in arrears. However, he is owed some pay back to December and basically all of his team and several other managers too.

HR including payroll has been moved to another location off-site a Tube ride away. He's been so busy he has only been able to email and phone and they've been stalling him. His line manager is one of the directors and he basically just shrugged his shoulders. At this point OH decided to get out. He didn't want to worry me so he didn't tell me and has been asking his mother for money. He made a mistake and underestimated and a DD didn't get paid and that's when he told me he'd asked her for £500 in total to cover end of month DDs.

That's the why.

He says his mother gave him the money and doesn't want it back. I told him I thought that made him just like his sister and he didn't like it. He said he knows his sister has had ££££ as his mother had told him so and that's not total that was one of many amounts of money. OH has never asked for anything near that.

His mother is getting fed up with his sister now and although she loves her granddaughter having just recently had surgery she's finding it difficult to do the cooking and clearing up after her. Granddaughter doesn't help just lazes around watching TV texting and moaning because her grandmother doesn't have broadband for her to use her laptop with. OH has seen this himself. He reminded her that his mother has had surgery and she should be helping and niece gave him her usual mouthful of bad language.

As I said before SIL is such a nasty person and with criminal record to boot, that other than her mother none of my OH's siblings and cousins want anything to do with her.

MIL is a really difficult person and OH agrees. But I do feel sorry for her in her situation with them. I don't want to feel beholden to MIL. OH pointed out that my parents gave him entire deposit for our house and he didn't like that but we'd still be renting now if it weren't for them and he just bit the bullet.

So he says it was a gift, I should just accept it as that and he said he does intend to give her gifts over time to pay her back and will go there more now to do gardening shopping etc until she can do it herself again. He;s going to talk to middle brother so they both keep more of an eye but feels sister will only pressure their mother for money when alone with her. He's not sure how to handle that.

He says he can't make his niece behave better because obviously mother has no positive effect and much as his mother loves her granddaughter she isn't getting through to her either.

I can see that the granddaughter might feel somewhat abandoned by her mother in favour of the new boyfriend but she acts up anyway according to OH's mother and OH and I have both witnessed this before.

OH's younger sister was very spoiled and she's done same thing with her own daughter.

OH says he will talk to his brother re their sister and see what if anything they can do. OH says his mother comes first before his sister and niece.

zagfles

HPoirot wrote: »

And what did the parent want to do with their money? Nothing at all, until they were asked for it. You missed the point that it was not a gift but a loan that was asked for. As for keeping the money, again as above, what if she said that to the sister as well?

Yes, and the MIL now wants that loan to be a gift. It's her money, and it's completely up to her what she does with it, as we keep being told in this thread.

Top_Girl

Edwardia wrote: »

His mother is getting fed up with his sister now and although she loves her granddaughter having just recently had surgery she's finding it difficult to do the cooking and clearing up after her. Granddaughter doesn't help just lazes around watching TV texting and moaning because her grandmother doesn't have broadband for her to use her laptop with. OH has seen this himself. He reminded her that his mother has had surgery and she should be helping and niece gave him her usual mouthful of bad language.

As I said before SIL is such a nasty person and with criminal record to boot, that other than her mother none of my OH's siblings and cousins want anything to do with her.

MIL is a really difficult person and OH agrees. But I do feel sorry for her in her situation with them. I don't want to feel beholden to MIL. OH pointed out that my parents gave him entire deposit for our house and he didn't like that but we'd still be renting now if it weren't for them and he just bit the bullet.

So he says it was a gift, I should just accept it as that and he said he does intend to give her gifts over time to pay her back and will go there more now to do gardening shopping etc until she can do it herself again. He;s going to talk to middle brother so they both keep more of an eye but feels sister will only pressure their mother for money when alone with her. He's not sure how to handle that.

He says he can't make his niece behave better because obviously mother has no positive effect and much as his mother loves her granddaughter she isn't getting through to her either.

I can see that the granddaughter might feel somewhat abandoned by her mother in favour of the new boyfriend but she acts up anyway according to OH's mother and OH and I have both witnessed this before.

OH's younger sister was very spoiled and she's done same thing with her own daughter.

OH says he will talk to his brother re their sister and see what if anything they can do. OH says his mother comes first before his sister and niece.

As long as you're not being judgemental :raiseseyebrow:

How old is his niece? If his sister is as horrible as you're painting her, her daughter is as much of a victim of her behaviour as her mother is and is your relative too... just a thought.

You're saying she *was* spoiled based on your OH's recollection, presumably? This would be the OH who is tutting at you for saying he is the same as his sister for taking money and not wanting to pay it back, because MIL has said it's fine. Is it fair to suggest that he may be slightly biased?