Girlfriend of Eight Years Left Me - Just Bought A House

Gigglepig

Perhaps you can get half hr free legal advice from a solicitor or cab. I would try to email the ex with a proposal to get her agreement in writing.

For example - both continue to pay half the costs until the property is sold. Any shortfall should of course be split 50-50. Any profit should be split 50-50 (after you both have had your specific deposits back).

C22DTJ

I guess we'll be meeting again soon to discuss things which should be as wonderfully uncomfortable as it was last time.

I'll present some of these solutions and just hope she's willing to genuinely consider the best options.

Thanks, everyone.

Hermoine

There is an increasing market for lodgings from people who only want a room from Monday to Friday - quite often people who need to move for work and want to keep their family homes elsewhere. This means you would get the house to yourself at times when you are around most. Various website will give you an idea of who is looking for what and what rent you might get..

juniper_berry

I can totally sympathise with this situation. OH and I (been together nearly 4 years) bought our first house nearly 2 years ago now (can't believe it's been that long already!). Our house needed complete renovation so we've spent this entire time redoing it. This time last year we had concrete floors, no heating or electricity! We had such a rough time, not helped by previously living with MIL where things were tense before. OH moved out in June this year (temporarily)after things came to a head and as you mentioned with your partner, when we spoke it was like talking to a stranger. We were both so angry at each other and had held a lot of resentment for things which needed to be sorted and let go. We looked at options for splitting up yet somehow managed to get through it.

Now in September things couldn't be more perfect, we've re-learnt how to communicate, talk properly about how we are feeling and reconnect and get that compassion and closeness back.

I guess what I'm trying to say from my experience is that moving house (and renovating) is such a stressful time, you can so easily lose sight of what your relationship is about and why you are together. It's easy for things to grate on you (and OH) and these can escalate quickly if not controlled. I started seeing a therapist and reading a couple of very good books which made me realise that if I wanted things to change I had to act in the way I wanted OH to. You seem to have already taken that step, but it can take time for OH to do that too. Right now your partner probably needs space, don't push for things (once you make certain decisions it can be hard to go back from them), allow OH the chance to work out what they really want and be able to tell you.

I really hope things work out for you, it's a horrible position to be in, be strong and try and get a focus on something for you - whether it's work, health whatever.

C22DTJ

Wow inspiring stuff, Juniper_berry, thanks for sharing. I can only hope my situation follows a similar path.

This year has been nightmarish to say the least. I quit smoking (after fourteen years) back in February and turned into an absolute monster for at least six weeks. My Grandad passed away after a short battle with leukaemia in May/June and we were both close to him. During the whole time we were also buying our first house and subsequently preparing to move in.

So, an incredibly stressful time for both of us. I get the impression that by moving back to her parents house and breaking contact with me she felt an immediate escape from all of that pressure, which must have felt like somewhat of a relief. I guess I can only wait and see whether that relief will prevail or whether she will indeed realise that we had something incredibly special and stand to lose a great deal by definitively calling it a day.

juniper_berry

It's easy for it all to get too much, especially after the year you have both had, I'm so sorry to hear you lost your Grandad.

Don't give up hope until she has had time to really understand her feelings. She probably has a lot going on in her mind trying to work it all out.

Has she spoken about what is bothering her, is she the type who can openly talk about her feelings or does she struggle?

When you bought the house we're you both very actively involved with paperwork/dealings - solicitors, survey, mortgage etc?

Also were you previously living together? Was this rented or at parents? We lived at my MIL's for nearly a year and it allowed me to see what my partner was used to - he had everything done for him, meals cooked in time for his return, lunches ready in the morning, clothes washed/put away, she doted on him! I was used to doing everything for myself so when we moved in together it took him quite a while to adapt to doing these things for himself. Now he is pretty capable but in the beginning when we left he would still allow MIL to pop over and do things for him whilst I was out or away.
Does she just need a break and a bit of home comfort??

Sorry for the many questions posed - it may or may not help.

Fingers crossed for you

Mojisola

juniper_berry wrote: »

Don't give up hope until she has had time to really understand her feelings. She probably has a lot going on in her mind trying to work it all out.

After all those years together, it's got to worth a try.

C22DTJ

Prior to the house, we lived in a converted basement at her family's house for seven years, but only really for sleeping, and spent the majority of the rest of the time at my parents house.

Her explanation is that she 'wants a life back'. The thing is, we literally just became a very isolated couple, and as mentioned previously just ended up staying home practically every night. I wouldn't say she did 'everything' for me, I mean I can cook and clean, and often did, but she usually did a lot of it just through simplicity and habit.

During the house purchase process, I did basically all of the work before and after the sale, so paperwork, mortgage app etc, and arranged all 'admin' stuff behind the scenes like insurance, council tax etc.

She actually helped with a great deal of the stuff after we had the keys. Decorating, moving furniture etc. She was actively involved in the whole thing, though, always present whenever we went to the bank/solicitor etc.

The problems really began when the house was almost finished, perhaps a week or two before she left. She'd spend a lot of the time in the new place alone while I was at work. I found it quite hard to be in there when it was a "building site" as it didn't feel like home to me. She also started spending some evenings back home on her own and I think this gave her a "taste" of what it was like to be on her own, which apparently she quite liked.

As a result, I get the impression she has thought "hmm, this isn't so bad without him, maybe I shouldn't be with him after all".

I guess a simple way of putting it is that we both got complacent and ended up suffocating each other a bit, so she left to get space, and ended up liking it more than being together. I, on the other hand, can't stand it.

As has been pointed out, I can only hope that eventually, she realises that whilst being alone has its benefits, we also had a pretty awesome thing together. I think the most important thing, and something I've realised over the past few weeks, is that we need to ensure a balance.

I'm just terrified at this stage that she may find someone else and that'll be the end of that. She has admitted to "putting the barriers up" with the intention of erasing me from her thoughts, taking a hardline approach if you will, so if that prevails, then I may have no hope.

juniper_berry

It's good that you've both been actively involved in the house and the day to day tasks. Washing and tidying are the boring parts but I guess that's life...any ways to make it more fun for you both?

I definitely understand the building site issues!! We didn't even have a real bed until a few months ago due to the renovations, there was so much dust and debris from the work we were doing, it was so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Every inch of our house looked like a state. But bit by bit it has come together and each room is nearly finished. It was hard but seeing it all now and the progress we've made makes it feel worthwhile.

Is your house all finished now? Could you arrange for her to come over for dinner? Make it special, let her see how wonderful it all looks. Is there anything she really wanted doing in the house or adding in that you could arrange before she came over? This may make it feel more like home for her?? Simple things like my partner sorting our blinds made me appreciate him so much.

In the meantime let her see what she is missing, use this time for you too. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. A friend of mine's wife left him to go out and have fun thinking she wanted to be out with the girls and socialise more. It took her less than a month of doing this before she realised how much she hated it and missed him. They have been closer than ever since getting back together.

I can openly admit to becoming one half of a complacent couple, we spend our weekends finishing the house and are too tired to go out. We both realise that we need to start moving forward socially but also understand that we cannot change everything in one go. Each bit takes time. Aside from the dinner could you arrange for her to come over and a group of your friends?? Have some food, drinks, games whatever...have some fun in your new home together

foxwales

I went through the exact same thing. Myself and my ex-partner purchased a house and within 6 months he had walked out.

You have to sometimes, no matter how hard, accept that they aren't coming back and you need to start living life without them in it. If she feels the same for you, then she will come back, if she doesn't, then you have to accept that she doesn't feel the same way about you as you her.

Your priority now should be focusing on dealing with the house and getting your life and future in order.

You will only be able to sell the house to mortgage buyers if the house has been retained for longer than 6 months, anything less than that and you will only feasibly be able to sell to cash buyers as mortgage providers will not issue a mortgage on a property which is being sold again after 6 months.

You need to establish early redemption fees for your mortgage product and associated legal fees. This could be a few thousand pounds.

Ask your ex to continue making mortgage/bill payments until the 6 month period has surpassed and you can put the house back onto the market to sell.

Consider moving back in with your parents, whilst not ideal, the safe comforting surroundings of something familiar can offer you a bit of stability to what is going to continue being a stressful and upsetting time.

If you are determined to keep hold of the house, then you can discuss a transfer of equity with your mortgage provider which will allow you to take the ex-partner off; and add someone else on, if they are prepared to contribute to the mortgage and see it as an investment. Perhaps talk with family members to see if anyone is willing to help out in this respect in terms of an investment?

The housing market is quite buoyant at the moment, so consider levying a few thousand onto the asking price, to account for the decorating etc you have done to present the house, they will always try to knock you down, which may bring you closer to the price you originally paid, mitigating your loss somewhat.

What ever you decide to do, it does get easier, in time. I'm 3 years on, was lucky enough to keep the house going by myself, but I still struggle almost daily with the heartache and missing feeling inside. If it is a true love, then I don't think you ever get over something like that, you just learn to cope.

Best wishes