Girlfriend of Eight Years Left Me - Just Bought A House

Toto

The only relationship advice I can give you is, give her space. Give her a chance to miss you. You've said you've sent her emails telling her what you're doing to right the wrongs in the relationship, all you can do now is work on them to make sure that you are making changes. That way, when she next contacts you, which she will need to do to let you know what she intends to do regarding the house, you can show her what you have done and how changed you now are.

A great starting point for that is to become the person that she first fell in love with. Remember how you used to be? Remember how you used to speak to her, treat her, showed her you cared? That is the guy she will miss. Of course we can't keep the first bloom of romance going indefinitely, but we can take time to sit back and see how much we might be 'comfortable' in the relationship and using that comfort to be a bit lazy and take our partners for granted.

I don't know what to say about the house other than hope she will keep paying half for the 6 months and then maybe rent it. To be honest I can't believe she let you get into this mess in the first place. If ever there was a day to voice how unhappy you are it would have been the day before contracts were exchanged.

tiger_eyes

C22DTJ wrote: »

It's so difficult to tell how she is feeling. I've only spoken to her twice since she left, and both times, she has just been incredibly cold and emotionless. Difficult to describe, but "distanced". The best way to describe it is that when we spoke, it felt like I was talking to a stranger, almost. A very surreal and unsettling experience when it is actually someone I have spoken to with a shared love for so many years.

I have sent her long emails explaining that I have changed, but I don't think it's working. She has just immediately shut down all requests to try and rebuild things. At this stage, you're perhaps wondering if there is anyone else. I don't know, and could never know for certain but she has said that there is not. I believe her, and I think she'd be honest if there was.

I've been that ex-girlfriend, and if she's decided that the relationship is irrevocably over, she's doing you a favour by detaching herself emotionally. It may seem cold, but it would be a lot colder to string you along when she has no desire to ever get back together.

Carl31

C22DTJ wrote: »

I'm glad this thread has been steered towards relationship advice because I think I was truly crying out for that as much as I was financial advice on the house.

As it stands, I honestly have no idea if she will come back. I have already eliminated every problem she had with me, and can show her that should she come back. The problem is that the breakup, although sudden, resulted from a fairly lengthy decline into, as I said, complacency and me not giving her the attention she wanted. We would spend almost every evening home, often more or less doing our own thing. The only time we really spent together was at the dinner table and in bed. The physical attraction never died, and she has since admitted that the "spark" between us is as strong as it ever has been.

But, and it's a big but, she has reaffirmed on numerous occasions since parting ways that she wants to "rebuild her life". It's genuinely unfortunate that she feels like she must do this without me, but I guess it probably feels like the only way, given the experience of the past year or so.

It's so difficult to tell how she is feeling. I've only spoken to her twice since she left, and both times, she has just been incredibly cold and emotionless. Difficult to describe, but "distanced". The best way to describe it is that when we spoke, it felt like I was talking to a stranger, almost. A very surreal and unsettling experience when it is actually someone I have spoken to with a shared love for so many years.

I have sent her long emails explaining that I have changed, but I don't think it's working. She has just immediately shut down all requests to try and rebuild things. At this stage, you're perhaps wondering if there is anyone else. I don't know, and could never know for certain but she has said that there is not. I believe her, and I think she'd be honest if there was.

Believe me, though, I would do anything for her to come back, I just hope I get the chance to prove that.

@Person_one - No, we're stretched to the limits as it is. We'd been desperate to get a house (or apparently one of us was) for a long time, so the second we could mutually afford it, we went for it.

If you want to show her you are worth being with, sort your !!!!!! out, move on and up, that's for your own good as well as the relatioship

Sending her begging emails isn't going to do anything other than p her off more than she is

By the time you are sorted, things will have worked out, with her in tow or not

Takeaway_Addict

RAS wrote: »

Was the house taken on tenants in common or joint tenancy?

Eh? They bought it.

Person_one

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

Eh? They bought it.

When two people buy a house together, they can decide how to divide it between them, that's what this means.

Joint tenants means they both own 100%, jointly. Tenants in common means they each own (usually) 50%, individually.

RAS

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

Eh? They bought it.

Yes and when two or more people buy a house they either buy as joint tenants or a tenants in common.

Joint tenants - each owns 100%
Tenants in Common - they each own a percentage totalling 100%.

If it is joint tenants then GF can claim half the deposit back unless there is a trust deed protecting the OPs investment.

Takeaway_Addict

RAS wrote: »

Yes and when two or more people buy a house they either buy as joint tenants or a tenants in common.

Joint tenants - each owns 100%
Tenants in Common - they each own a percentage totalling 100%.

If it is joint tenants then GF can claim half the deposit back unless there is a trust deed protecting the OPs investment.

well I never. Thanks for that.

marisco_2

My advice is to look into all available options open to you regarding your property, so as to minimise any financial losses. As far as your relationship goes I think you may need to accept that it is most likely over, and that your ex wont want to try and resolve your differences. You openly admit that you could have treated her better and handled things differently. Since parting you have looked long and hard at yourself and acknowledged that there are things you need to change and improve.

I seriously question whether your ex has done the same, after all no-one is faultless. If she valued your relationship why did she not raise any issues, upsets or concerns with you as they came up? It would seem that she let a lot of resentment build up over time. To let things go as far as you two buying a property together, when she clearly had huge doubts and misgivings about being with you, was totally dishonest and to be straight with you very selfish of her. If you are as unsure about a relationship as she was, you don't let someone make a huge financial and emotional commitment to you, and encourage them to think they are going to share a future with you. That is cruel.

C22DTJ

Thanks everyone for your further comments.

With regards to the tenancy, I'm not sure. I don't recall being asked to specify, but I'm sure it says on the paperwork somewhere.

I've just been breaking the costs down and looking at options. There's definitely no way either of us could take on the property alone. Even discounting the cost of "buying out" the initial investment of the other half, the monthly costs exceed both of our salaries alone.

Letting it is a potential option from a financial point of view, and the most sensible in terms of reducing overall capital loss if we let it until the mortgage penalty period has passed. However, that would keep us tied together and also mean she would need to continue paying her share until we can apply for permission to let in February '14.

I've got to be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable with the prospect of a lodger. The house is very "cosy" and quite frankly, I find the idea of sharing such a space with a stranger quite unsettling.

So, the only other option of course is to sell it and take a loss. I'm assuming that loss would be around £15,000 if we sold it for the same price as we bought it for. Given that her initial investment was around £8000 total, I stand to lose a lot more than she does. If we agreed to split the loss based on a percentage then it would be fairer, but it's still going to be an incredibly expensive breakup.

Ugh, this certainly isn't making it any easier. She must really really despise the prospect of living with me to want to go through this.

Person_one

I think you need to consider the possibility of a lodger more seriously.

I know it seems jarring now, but it seems like the easiest answer to your problems. You might even benefit from having somebody else around.