Girlfriend of Eight Years Left Me - Just Bought A House

marisco_2

Thank you for the update. It is good to hear that you are feeling stronger and looking to the future with a positive outlook. Considering the huge shake up of your life recently that takes a lot of guts and resilience, and you should be very proud of how well you are coping. I think it is nice that in the midst of all this you are considering others, and can see how sharing your thoughts and feelings at this time could help someone else going through a similar experience.

As someone who has been there and done all this a few years back I would like to say that things will get better. As another poster mentioned you will go through emotional ups and downs for a while yet, but you do find the strength to pull through and come out the other side all the stronger and wiser for it. Just because the past didn't turn out like you wanted it to, doesn't mean your future cant be better than you ever imagined.

I think it is a really good idea when people take some time out to be by themselves after being in a relationship, just as you are now. It allows for an opportunity to refocus and decide how you want your future to be. A relationship shouldn't be what defines your happiness, rather it is an added lovely element to life when you feel happy, secure and content within yourself already. There is no need to rush into anything though. Keep socialising and enjoying life just as you are and look forward to seeing who comes into your life next. If something is meant to be it will happen, in the right time, with the right person, for the best reason

Slinky

C22DTJ wrote: »

Thanks, Mojisola.

Any advice for dealing with this? Obviously all I can picture right now is her and him together, and it's not a nice picture.

I'm also feeling wholly inadequate, and very insignificant, meaningless almost.

I think it was Clare Rayner who said something like 'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission'

AlwaysWorking

C22DTJ wrote: »

It doesn't help that the new guy messaged me on facebook to tell me how much I failed her, how I could've never given her what she needs and how much fun they are having.

OP reading this part of your thread I felt I had to respond. Three and a half years ago my fiance left me, six weeks after getting engaged. Like you I found out through FB (when she emailed me) that there was someone else involved.

As he had lied to her about us breaking up sooner etc she finished with him. The next day (or so he says) he met someone else and within a couple of weeks his new girlfriend was pregnant.

I sunk into a very deep depression, not helped by the fact this woman then started emailing me on FB, in a way very similar to the email you received...taking great joy in telling me about their sex life and how she would send me a picture of the baby so I could imagine how the child we'd planned on having when we got married would have looked.

I fell apart and will never understand how she took joy in doing that...or why he let her. If I found out that anyone I was with had been so needlessly cruel to someone I had once loved I would end the relationship.

Fast forward to the present and I'm with the lovliest, kindest, most gentle man and I'm totally in love. I haven't been as happy in years and we've discussed marriage. I recently bumped into my ex whilst out shopping. I felt nothing looking at him, except relief that it didn't work out. In all sincerity I hope he is happy...he's not a bad man, just weak. I wouldn't want to be with someone too weak to stand up to a new girlfriend and tell her not to send emails taunting someone he once claimed to love (never mind someone who cheats, lies.. ).

Expect good days and bad days going forward...but eventually you'll look back and realise it was for the best and you had a lucky escape. :j

I wish you all the very best for the future.

paulineb_2

Slinky wrote: »

I think it was Clare Rayner who said something like 'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission'

Eleanor Roosevelt

Not a quote I like to be honest, in the middle of some really awful life stuff, rather than someone ask me how I was, I got a lot of quotes like that chucked at me. My view is, have your moment of feeling crap, wallow in it if you need to, then try and let it go.

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

Eleanor Roosevelt

Not a quote I like to be honest, in the middle of some really awful life stuff, rather than someone ask me how I was, I got a lot of quotes like that chucked at me. My view is, have your moment of feeling crap, wallow in it if you need to, then try and let it go.

I agree with you that you need to let yourself experience what's happening in the moment.

If someone tries to ignore their emotions when something bad happens and carry on regardless, the emotions don't go away, they just get buried. These suppressed emotions will continue to affect you in subtle ways and can sometimes swamp you when another difficult situation arises in your life.

Being true to yourself involves accepting yourself as you are and, at times, that will be feeling sad, angry, worthless, inferior, heartbroken, etc. The important thing is not to get stuck in that place - long term it is your own choice whether you stay with the those feelings or reclaim yourself.

C22DTJ

Thank you all for the inspiring stories and comments.

I can vouch for the importance of exploring current emotion. I'd been told on a number of occasions to "man up" by some people fairly close to me, and some less so, and whilst that might work for some men, I'm not ashamed to admit that I've spent many a night/morning in tears since my ex left.

However, I feel the same can be said for good emotions, embracing any hints of positivity has had equally powerful effects.

Mojisola

C22DTJ wrote: »

Thank you all for the inspiring stories and comments.

I can vouch for the importance of exploring current emotion. I'd been told on a number of occasions to "man up" by some people fairly close to me, and some less so, and whilst that might work for some men, I'm not ashamed to admit that I've spent many a night/morning in tears since my ex left.

However, I feel the same can be said for good emotions, embracing any hints of positivity has had equally powerful effects.

What you're doing is much healthier than the "stiff upper lip" attitude. It's sometimes necessary to maintain that in public but do continue to give yourself space to let the emotions out while you need to.

blunther

Have you managed to get anything in writing which will protect your chunk of the deposit when you come to sell?

C22DTJ

blunther wrote: »

Have you managed to get anything in writing which will protect your chunk of the deposit when you come to sell?

Not officially, I just have emails that state her willingness to only attempt to claim any moneys she invested herself.

As little weight as this probably has being typed on a forum, I genuinely do not think that will be a problem. Despite the status of our relationship since it turned bitter last week, I'm not sure she's the type of person who is interested in making off with as much money as she can, regardless of how much she invested and how much she is legally entitled to. She's been quite straight about the fact that our initial investments will be considered at the point of sale and that the only return she is expecting, if any, will be her original investment, or percentage of if we make a loss. As much as I despise her right now, I can acknowledge that she's not of a gold-digging persuasion.

If, and I honestly don't think it will come to this, she does decide to go for the cash, we have a respected and powerful family solicitor as a relative who will do their best to fight my case, if indeed I have one, which I don't pretend to know.

C22DTJ

Update time!

Wow. I feel like a different person. I'm genuinely beginning to feel better now than I have done in years.

I've been spending time with new people, found some new female company (completely platonic, I must add), and just been spending a lot of time indulging in myself... improving diet, expensive coffee, new skincare regimes! It's quite astounding how much better I feel.

Now, emotionally, I just can't believe how amazing the human mind is. Just weeks ago, I was desperate for her to come back, thinking about her every second. Then, after I found out about her adventures with new guys, my opinions changed, and as documented previously, I had a strong resentment for her.

Interestingly, I don't even dislike her anymore. We've spoken a few times, and it's becoming quite clear that my attractions to her no longer exist. I feel almost entirely neutral towards her. If she said "let's give it another shot", I would quite happily decline, as I have no desire to explore that path anymore.

It's quite difficult to describe. I have no inclination whatsoever to spend time with her, or even think about her, but I do still care about her wellbeing, perhaps just on a human level. Ironically, when we last spoke, she complained about the same things she was complaining about when we were together... boredom, debt, stress. In fact, if anything, it sounds like she's the one struggling now, not me. I guess that's where my care comes from, I don't want her to suffer, but at the same time, I know it's no longer my concern.

So, I think this will likely be my last update. I'm pretty sure I still have a fair old way to travel down the road to recovery, but I can't see the start of it anymore, but then again, I haven't look backwards in a while anyway

Thanks for all the support and encouragement, everyone.

And to anyone else who stumbles upon this thread in times of grievance and desperation. It gets better, believe me.