Girlfriend of Eight Years Left Me - Just Bought A House

C22DTJ

Hello all, excuse any emotional rambling here, I'm in a pretty dark place.

To cut a long story short, my girlfriend of just over eight years left me two weeks ago. We'd spent every day together, and I now haven't seen her at all. The reason for her leaving is basically that I got over-comfortable and complacent, and through a destructive battle with OCD I didn't give her the life, love or attention that I should've done.

Hindsight has been destroying me further over the past couple of weeks and I'd do anything for the opportunity to start again. Funnily enough, all problems associated with OCD have practically vanished, presumably from the sudden realisation that nothing hurts as much as losing the one you love. Regardless of how she feels about me, I still love her as much as the day I first saw her.

To make matters much much worse, we bought a house together two months ago. Currently, I'm living in the house alone, she has moved back to family, but is paying her share of the mortgage and bills. As much as it pains me to lose her, she has been very good about her intention to resolve this as cleanly as possible.

With that said, what are our options going forward? I REALLY don't want to sell the house. Primarily because although it is immensely lonely in there without her, I love the house, and do not love the prospect of moving back in with parents at 28. The second reason is money. My Grandad donated a significant portion of our £35,000 deposit. He has now passed away which makes the prospect of losing a lot of that money through early sale even worse.

We spent close to £10,000 on furnishing and decorating the property too. So effectively we have invested £45K, and have a mortgage of around £135K.

There is no way in the world that I would be able to take on the house on my own, based on the fact that I don't think the lender would let me, and that I simply cannot afford it. Even living as frugally as possible, my salary would not cover the mortgage and bills combined.

Finding a lodger is impossible unless said lodger is willing to sleep in my bed. The house is an old Victorian house which, although listed as 2 bed, is really only 1 bed. I'm not sure if you'd even fit a single bed in the second room, and if you could, you wouldn't fit anything else in there.


I'm clearly not thinking straight at the moment anyway, still completely devastated. But if anyone has any advice, it would be much appreciated. The hardest part is that she was obviously mulling an exit long before we signed papers, but signed anyway. I just wish she'd come back, I miss her so much, but since she's adamant that she won't, I guess we need to consider the other options.

Most of all, I just wish we had actually had the opportunity to live in the house together, we were both so genuinely excited about it all, but she left me two days before the house was complete.

Thanks

mwddrwg

Hi there,

Feel for you, really I do. In this situation I don't think you have any option but to sell and move out. Unless you've paid over the odds for the house for some reason then it should sell at roughly the same price, leaving you with minimal residual debts.

Unless you can afford to pay the mortgage (and eat!) on your own then I can'r see much options open to you. Thankfully your ex seems to be agreeable to paying half so you haven't got the problem of getting into arrears until the house is sold.

Hope you get through this OK

Gigglepig

Hmmm... i think i would look at moving into the smallest bedroom myself (get a single bed with storage under) and get a lodger who could use the main bedroom as a bedsit. If you really want to keep the house and take it on yourself. And look at how to decrease other spending and get a better paid job or additional part time job. Might not be possible but worth looking into if you can knuckle down for a year or two and later afford the house on your own.

C22DTJ

Thanks for the replies. I guess a new job is a possibility, I'm currently a hugely overqualified freelance writer previously reluctant to get a "proper" job because, well, complacency and comfort again I suppose. It's not outside of the realms of possibility.

I really hope selling it isn't the outcome. Although we didn't overpay, it might be a slow sale. Previous viewers (when we were looking at it) apparently didn't like the issue of the small second bedroom. The loss that concerns me is the Estate Agents commission, the early repayment penalties on the mortgage, the legal fees and the loss of practically all of our furniture. Some of it is built-in (Kitchen), the rest could potentially go into storage I suppose.

fake_smile

First of all, sorry you're feeling so low. It's so painful when you lose someone you love, it feels like you will never be happy again.

It's been 2 weeks and time is a great healer even if it doesn't feel like right now.

Unfortunately it does look like you will have to sell the property unless you stay in the spare room.

I'm sure your grandfather would understand the reasons behind the sale and let's face it, living there is going to be a constant reminder of what you and your ex partner could have had.

It's just a shame that she signed the papers if she knew she was going to end things.

Maybe give her a little time and space, she might even come round. After all, 8 years is a long time.

Don't beat yourself up about things though (hugs)

Go out with friends, be around happy faces, get drunk, go party. But do NOT wallow

Orlando_Virgin

I have been through a similar circumstance in the past, for different reasons, but none the less, bought a house with my girlfriend of 6 years, and split after a few months. IF, and it's a big if you can't get back together, then my advice to you is to sell the house AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

We tried amicably to sort it out and for one of us to keep the house, but in the end, when one of you inevitably moves on, the situation becomes very awkward and one of you will try to force the sale.

I really do understand what a difficult place you are in emotionally, but having experienced this myself I can't stress enough that you get this house on the market, sell it and split as soon as you can.

I am so sorry if this seems clinical and I really do appreciate how difficult this will all be for you right now, PM me if you need someone to talk to.

Lokolo

You will have problems selling <6 months of owning. I believe from what I've read on the house buying forum, that only cash buyers can purchase a house that was purchased less than 6 months ago.

C22DTJ

Thank you for your kind words.

Yeah it's a tough time. As I said, I've suffered with OCD and certainly low mood (I'm not sure I'd call it depression), so I'm no stranger to emotional hardship, but this has hit me harder than I could ever have imagined.

I'm hopeful she will come round in time, but I know I can't bank on that outcome. Many others including mutual friends, my therapist and family members have suggested the same. Right now though, she seems so cold, so emotionless and absolutely determined to enforce her intention to never come back, of course, that might hold true, but I'd be lying if I said that hope wasn't keeping me somewhat level headed right now.

That's my stalemate I guess, do I, as suggested, accept the situation and get things moving as quickly as possible or do I let things progress at the current rate in the hope that our time apart (and her opportunity to experience life back at her parents, without a house or car, and without the relationship we'd built over eight years) is enough to convince her she wants it back. Of course it may well just further solidify her decision to leave.

@Lokolo - I had heard that too, not sure no the details though. Elaboration on how true that is would be great, especially since it would likely shape our decision going forward.

seabright

If you want her back, could you maybe write to her, as calmly as possible, saying what you have said here, offering to attend counselling (either for couples or maybe alone to begin with)?

Maybe the relationship can start again, if taken very slowly and gently? May invite her for a coffee in a neutral place, as if it were a first date?

I'm suggesting writing or emailing as she won't then feel pressured into an immediate reply (which would be the case with a phone call or face to face meeting) and will have time to consider what you've said and any apology and suggestions you make.

Best wishes for the future.

seabright

The 6 month thing is because fraudsters generally want a very fast turn around, so lender don't want to get caught in a fraud. It's not that they won't lend, it's just they will want proof of the reasons for the quick sale.

lika_86

Is it really and truly over or is there a chance that if you genuinely made an effort that you could rekindle something?

Most mortgages have early redemption charges (check the conditions and your report on title from your solicitor), these are often hefty penalties if you want to redeem the mortgage (by sale or otherwise) in the first few years. You may both have no choice but to keep the property until this period expires or allow the property to be repossessed (if your ex stops paying and you can't fund it yourself).