Who provides the children's clothes at the non residential parents home?

Toto

Wilma33 wrote: »

I find it incredibly sad that any parent would make their child change their clothes just so they were wearing "the right parents" clothes The clothes belong to the child, not the parent. The child should be able to wear any of their clothes at either house.

I couldn't agree more.

I was a child of a bitter nasty divorce, I was made to change clothes, had Christmas presents which I was delighted to receive thrown up the road at parent who had purchased them, grandmother screaming 'we don't want your junk in this house'. I was made to sit in a car at the end of the street when being returned home after a weekend so we could be just on time, a minute late and all hell broke loose, a minute early and they obviously couldn't wait to get rid of us.

I hated my childhood stuck in the middle of this utter misery. I swore up and down that I would never make a child feel that way which is why we have all worked so hard to work things out with the exes even when at times it's been almost impossible.

I wish people just stopped for a minute to see all of this through their child's eyes, because I can promise you, the child couldn't give a stuff who had paid for a jumper or a pair of shorts.

lobbyludd

our children don't stay overnight with their dad, so it's not an issue that has come up, except but they do go and stay with their grandparents, sometimes with dad sometimes without and I receive a list of what to pack based on the activities they might be doing, and to cover all weather eventualities. which means they go for a few days with an enormous amount of clothing (four pairs of footwear each for the last visit) and with the best will in the world, some of it will get left behind by accident. I can imagine this would be very difficult to plan for if it was a regular every weekend thing. So I can understand how it would be difficult for a person packing for a child's stay with someone else to always get it "right" in someone else's eyes, and I can understand how the recipient can think the clothes aren't fit for purpose. all "best" clothes and there's nothing to get messy in, all messy clothes and some people can think the other parent is trying to make a point.

so it would seem sensible for the other parent to have some bits and bobs permanently at their house (my parents have spare clothes for grandchildren at their place - nothing fancy, but in case - as happens, there's an accident/rain storm/spillage - or someone has forgotten to pack something - which happens without any malicious intent).

But I've seen it work (or not) lots of different ways. A step brother who would not even buy toothpaste for his children and demanded that everything be sent by the other parent. Friends that have a complete set of clothes at each parents and nothing crosses between. I know children who care deeply what they wear and insist on packing their own things (however inapropriate, in either parent's eyes), and those who don't give 2 figs about what they are wearing and leave clothes everywhere, at school at friends, at parents and grandparents houses.

in our situation, their dad does buy them clothes, usually when he's away on holiday and they come with the child and live here. when they were tiny I sent a spare set of clothes to his which he eventually kept and swaps them into those if someone gets wet through, keeping the clothes they were in then as spares. from his point of view there would be no point in buying a set of clothes that may never get worn, from mine this works fine except when I've bought them something new as a present that immediately gets swapped and will probably then never be worn again.

this is a logistics problem that has no perfect answer. and lets not forget that parents who are together argue about petty things that are not in the kids best interest as well. I am a child of parents who should have split up and didn't until we were adults and it was hell, we were constant pawns in their war, as were our friends, clothes, what we ate, how we slept, anything and everything.

scmp

This is our situation.
I am 'the other woman' i suppose?
My DH and his ex split up almost 2 years before we met and his son turned 3 later on that year. I put off meeting his son for 9 months to make sure we had a future rather then messing his son around. We have now been together for 6 years and on the main everything has been very amicable and his son is going to be a great boy.

At first his mum used to pack a weekend bag with all the clothes in although his dad had clothes (gifts from family and some he had got himself). The rule was that everything had to be returned washed and he was to be in his PJ's when dropped off. It was a little daft as his son would have had to be in his PJ's sunday afternoon while the washing was being done so it made sense for him to have clothes here.
He didn't have the heart to tell her that his son had clothes here and they just stayed in the bag all weekend!
I suggested to him that he tell his ex that he did have clothes so save the poor woman having to get a bag ready with all weather eventualities whilst trying to get a 3 year old ready for his dad to pick him up.
This was met with a 'ok... right... fine then' which i understand really as she was the main parent and it was giving up some responsibility.
Then he started school and now a days being 9 we pick him up from school with his school bag, lunch bag, PE kit, swimming kit and his mums bag which has PJ's to be dropped off in and his cuddly toy (he looks like a pack horse lol)
School uniform and all is washed ready for Sunday (his dad pays half his school uniform, pe kit, shoes, stationary etc) and to be honest all he has here is 3 jeans, cargo pants, 3 shorts, t shirts, jumper, cardigan, PJ's, a suit, wellies, trainers and smart shoes.
Each year in the sales i get his clothes for the year and it does not cost that much!
We have him random evenings in the week with him, half the holidays, we take him to after school activities.
He has his own room, own toys and it makes sense to have his own clothes here and as they do not get really worn out his younger cousin who idolises him gets all the clothes when they are to small!

To a 9yo with two loving parents and two loving 'step parents' he doesn't seem to bat an eyelid about the situation or ' i don't like that top i want the one from my mums/dads'.

ttc39

My youngest step child changes clothes - she is 11 and if she didn't we would never see these clothes again to be honest, once she is older/ more responsible like her elder brother then she Will be able to do what she wants knowing that she will be responsible for making sure she has decent clothes at both houses .

thorsoak

Not all non-resident dads are bar-stewards! The relationship of a younger relative of mine has broken down, and he and the mother of his DD have split amicably. He pays her £250 per month (DD is just over 2), and has started to have DD staying over with him every other weekend.

When he started having DD stay over, mum handed her over complete with two or three changes of clothes, pjs, pull-ups etc. Over the last few months, he's sorted out toilet seat, step-up step as well as toothbrush, hair brush etc. And apparently last weekend he took DD out shopping at Asda and they had a Peppa-pig fest - pjs, socks, knicks, vests, tee-shirts, leggings etc etc etc - so that he doesn't have to send her back with dirty clothes - or won't spoil decent clothes if he takes her out in the mud.

Talking to his mum, she said that her friends' sons who are in the same position do the same.

It strikes me that this little girl will grow up knowing that although mum and dad don't live together any more, they get on!