how much time do you spend with your bf/ otherhalf?

bewilderedhelpneeded

Bit of background - I have been with my bf for 5 years. We dont live together we live 45 mins apart. We both have children mine all the time his some of the time. I work ft and have mentally demanding job. He self employed and more often than not not working at mo. I come home from work cook tea and go out to zumba 2x a week and I also go to college one day a week finishing late in eve. I have to fit study into eves as well and do domestic stuff in house (washing cooking cleaning ironing gardening food shopping etc) its a real balancing act and im usually shattered by end of week. I try to organise stuff I need to do eg bank, hairdressers etc for weekend when he has his kids so it does not take any time away from us.

We try to see each other as much as possible during the week when he does not have his kids but its hard to fit everything in! On the weekends when he does not have his kids he expects me to devote whole weekend to leisure and him but I still have domestic things to do. He gets resentful of this and says I put everything else before him. I try to strike a balance but its hard! He has said if I didnt go to zumba in the eves I would be able to come over and spend the time with him. But its my only leisure activity and would feel resentful giving it up. I try and do as much as I can when he has his kids to free up time for us when he does not. But again this causing problems as he says I dont put myself out to drive over to see them!

We keep having arguments about this and he says he feels like he is in a part time relationship one week he feels he is single as he does not see me much the
other he isnt as he does not have his kids and can come over/I go to see him.

I feel like im constantly bein pulled from piller to post - on the one hand I have the things I need to do and on the other im trying to maintain a relationship with someone who isnt happy with the time I do have available!

How much time do you spend with your OH and how do you strike a balance?

CH27

Do you actually want to spend more time with him?

FBaby

This is quite common in such situations. I found it hard when my OH were going out together, but not yet living together. He had a busy life with work, and then sports, activities and like to spend time with house duties. I was a single parent, working full-time, and so also very busy BUT I missed him, wanted to spend time with him, so was always happy to make time to see him even if it meant doing housework very late at night, or the following day.

I did start questioning his commitment towards me and whether he did care to see me more and was happy to fit me around his life rather than including me in it. It brought arguments as he would say it wasn't the case but I had to understand that he had things to do and just couldn't spend more time with me. What solve this immediately was us moving together. I know he was very anxious that I would be even more demanding of his time when together, but it was the exact opposite. Knowing I would go to bed in his arms every night was enough to satisfy my needing to see him more. As a matter of fact, I needed him to be out and doing his things as I found it nice to have the place to myself. Ironically, it was him who decided he wanted to cut down the activities he was doing and see his friends less because he missed me and wanted to spend more time with me. We found then what worked for us.

In terms of actual time together. I think it was a case of him coming over one evening a week, and me going to his Saturday afternoons staying over Saturday nights and usually spending all Sunday together with kids when he would go home around 5-6pm to prepare for the coming week. This was about ok until there started to be things also happening Saturday afternoons more often meaning I wouldn't see him until later in the afternoon by which time he was usually too tired to want to do much.

lika_86

You've been together five years now and I imagine have discussed how you see your relationship developing - what's the answer to this?

lostinrates

I'm married.

The earliest usual trains my husband gets in on a Friday arrive at between 8 and nine pm. He then leaves before seven thirty on a Monday morning.

We do spend all weekend together and don't have children.

In a relationship you have to be clear about what you want but also appreciate the other persons needs and constraints and reach a compromise. Do you feel he is trying to do this?

lindsaygalaxy

After 5 years, is there a reason you are not yet living together? Would this then not all be so much easier?

bewilderedhelpneeded

Yes I do want to spend time with him but its difficult. My children are of an age where they can be left but I feel guilty doing it! Living together isnt an option although I know thats what he wants.

A typical 2 week pattern goes something like this - week 1 he has his kids. He drives them to school ( they go to school near me) and I hang around at home if I can ( no early meetings) so he can come for quick coffee before I dash to work. We might meet up for lunch if im able to get out of work ( maybe a couple of times a week if ive got no meetings). He picks his kids up from school and drives them home again. I finish work bit later than normal as ive made up time lost in morning/meeting for lunch and do my kids tea then housework or zumba 2x a week. On the fri he has the kids him and his kids stay at mine as activity for kids on sat morning near where I live. Fri is one of my zumba sessions but I come home from work cuppa and chat for approx 1 hour then I leave house at 615 and am back by 745. I do have bath though when I get in!

Week 2 he does not have his kids. He might have work near me. If so he will stay at mine. So I see him before I go to work and when I get back again but again I go to zumba 2 nights a week. If he is staying at mine we will eat together etc and watch telly but I also need to do an hours study and cant be late to bed as up early for work. Weekend he does not have kids we try and do as much together as we can but I cant devote whole weekend to him and leisure as ive still got some domestic stuff to do.

Other issue is that my job has changed and im finding it more difficult to do the morning coffees on weeks he has his kids due to me needing to be in early. Im also finding the meeting for lunch hard as cant always come away from work. So we gone from say 4 mornings of coffee catch up to 2 and 3 lunchtime meetups to 1.

So now weeks he has his kids I will see him couple of mornings for quick coffee and fri eve straight after work for approx 1 hour then rest of fri eve after 745. Needless to say I only see his kids once a fortnight for couple of hours. Im fine with this contact with his kids - he isnt. He wants me to start coming over to his a couple of eves a week after I have got my kids their tea so I can spend time with him and his kids. Its a 45 min drive each way I do zumba 2x a week and then domestic stuff. I try to snatch 1x a week where I can catch up with stuff ive recorded on sky plus - sometimes combined with doing the weeks ironing! Only time I can watch what I want to watch on telly with no channel hopping!

He says things like "its everything else and then me" and I "fit him in when I can"

bewilderedhelpneeded

lika_86 wrote: »

You've been together five years now and I imagine have discussed how you see your relationship developing - what's the answer to this?

We cannot live together for various reasons at the moment. I own my home he rents. I suggsted that he rents somewhere near me but he does not want to move. Strange as it would cut down his 45 min each way school run!

lika_86

Why isn't living together an option? Have you really thought about whether you have or want a future with this man or whether the relationship is just another hobby?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Well, that's what happens when you are a full time worker with kids.

victory

You do mention zumba a lot, could you take one lesson a week rather than 2?

How come you do not feel the need to spend more time with his kids?

After 5 years together are you and his kids and your kids now a combined family unit rather than 2 hours every fortnight?