how much time do you spend with your bf/ otherhalf?

bridgend_girl

Read OP post with fascination. A loving relationship between two people who see themselves as building a long term future would be filled with compromises to benefit the other person. If you can't move then it would seem reasonable for him to seriously look into moving. If you have housework commitments for a house he visits and even stays in then he would want to lesson your workload in order to free up your time for both seeing him and enjoying yourself without him. It would also seem natural to build ties between the children of each family to start the 'blending' process. Is this just a courtship, dating thing going nowhere or a relationship moving towards marriage and a lifelong commitment? After 5 years you know deep down which is true.

If not the latter then don't waste any more of each other's precious time in a dead end deal. Look for the real thing.

x hugs

Errata

You have your home, job, finances, studying, hobby and kids organised - he has none of this. He doesn't want to spend more time with you, he's jealous of everything you have that he doesn't.

CC-Warrior

bewilderedhelpneeded wrote: »

I have suggested it but he looked at me like I was mad. I also suggested something like salsa classes but he really isnt interested unfortunately

As a fellow dancer, I see my Salsa classes just as important - it's part of my social life and if I didn't go I wouldn't see so a lot of my friends. I'd go mad without it, it's great exercise, reduces stress and anxiety and is very social.

Not many guys do Zumba though!

Some of my non-dancer friends think it's a fad but they don't understand. I don't think you should give it up if it's one of the few things that's keeping you going.

krlyr

bridgend_girl wrote: »

Read OP post with fascination. A loving relationship between two people who see themselves as building a long term future would be filled with compromises to benefit the other person. If you can't move then it would seem reasonable for him to seriously look into moving. If you have housework commitments for a house he visits and even stays in then he would want to lesson your workload in order to free up your time for both seeing him and enjoying yourself without him. It would also seem natural to build ties between the children of each family to start the 'blending' process. Is this just a courtship, dating thing going nowhere or a relationship moving towards marriage and a lifelong commitment? After 5 years you know deep down which is true.

If not the latter then don't waste any more of each other's precious time in a dead end deal. Look for the real thing.

x hugs

I agree, this issue certainly doesn't just revolve around you OP, your OH could be helping matters if he really wanted to. I lived 45 mins (on a good day!) from my OH before we moved in, and although neither had/have kids, I do have two dogs so had to do a lot of planning around them. Also we both had our hobbies - he went to the gym once or twice a week, I was taking pole dancing classes during the week and going on group dog walks regularly at the weekend. It never was an issue for us, neither expected the other to give up those things, and since it was a lot easier for him to come to me because of the dogs, that's what he did a lot of the time. I did make the effort of staying at his when feasible (lived with my brother at the time so could ask him to dogsit, meant I'd drive home from work to walk and feed them, drive to OH's, and get up pretty early to drive home and walk/feed them before work). So compromises both ends to suit us both.

I don't think you should give up Zumba, especially as it sounds like it's a good de-stressing activity for you. Perhaps you could drop to one lesson a week and alternate with the teachers you like, would that be possible? If you're learning at a similar pace with both classes, you shouldn't get behind. And then sit with your OH and ask what he's willing to do to help the situation - he may not enjoy cleaning, for example, but if it would result in more time together maybe he'd be willing to help out. And whilst he may not be able to move to your area, maybe he could help save you time by visiting you more - e.g. how about arranging some days/afternoons out with the kids locally to you, if there's some free/cheap activities that would appeal to all age ranges.

I can see why he'd want to get more time with you after 5 years, but I don't see why it should be all on your shoulders. If he won't budge to help the situation, I would ask yourself why you should be moving mountains to make things work all by yourself.

FBaby

It sounds to me that the problem is that you are focusing on trying to justify yourself as to how you can't spend more time with him. The reality is that if YOU really wanted to spend more time with him, you would find it, so there is no point in saying you can't because x and y.

The crux of the matter is that you seem satisfy with your current arrangements that suits YOU fine, it doesn't suit him and instead of trying to listen to him, you TELL him why you can't do things differently.

As I've said, I was there and it was exactly the same. I was trying to tell him that I missed him and all I got back was 'yes but I can't because...' and I found it hard to accept that despite my feelings, he still considered going cycling more important than trying to compromise so I didn't feel how I did.

As I said, it worked for us because we did move in together. We too had issue with it, it took 18 months but knowing that it was what he wanted AND I saw him making moves towards it gave me that reassurance that the current situation was only temporary.

To be very honest, no matter how much I loved my OH, if it had continued as it was with no concrete indication that it would change, I probably would have ended it at one stage because the situation wouldn't have suit me long term.

Bella73

Sorry to be blunt but I cannot see what YOU get out of this "relationship"?

You don't want to be involved with his children...ok fair enough but not very fair on the said children. I think you need to find someone with either no children or children at the same stage as yours.

When I was single I didn't want to take on a family so did not date guys with children (to be fair it wasn't the children I was bothered about but I didn't want to be tied to an ex as this always seems to cause problems amongst my friends).

I just don't understand why you are with him?

You enjoy your Zumba classes and why not it sounds like you work hard all week. To be honest if it were me I think would get out of this relationship as if after five years you still don't want to move things forward then I don't think you ever will and I would concentrate on your studies and your children who may be older but still like to see you too as hopefully they won't be at home for ever and you are missing our of their growth for sake of another overgrown child who also seems to make lots of excuses.

[Deleted User]

I'm married now but before we married my OH and I lived 45 min drive apart. I was running my own business, working 60 hours a week and he had lots of evening meetings he had to be involved in so it was difficult for us to see each other (i worked alternate saturdays as well as all week!).
We made the effort though because we were desperate to spend time together. We would see each other at weekends and stay over with each other once or twice a week. Sometimes he would come to mine after his evening meeting arriving at 10pm and leaving at 8 the next morning, sometimes I would drive up to his to stay the night even though it meant i had a 1hr 15 min drive to work the following morning. Housework, quite frankly, just didn't get done because I still wanted to do my gym sessions and see my girlfriends (which i did on the eves i wasn't with him).
My point is that if you REALLY wanted to spend time with him you would find the time. I get the feeling he's just something else you're trying to fit into your hectic life. If you don't want to spend time with him more than you want to keep your big house tidy then there probably isn't a great future in the relationship. Maybe your life would be less stressful without him in it?

~Chameleon~

Life's too short to spend half your evenings/weekends cleaning. Either delegate or hire a cleaner if it really matters that much to you. I'd rather spend every other weekend having fun with my partner than bogged down with household chores! Don't give up the Zumba though, that's your stress release valve

FBaby

My point is that if you REALLY wanted to spend time with him you would find the time.

That's the conclusion I reached with my OH, but I was wrong. He is a very independent man whose activities are a huge part of his life. He is also extremely home proud so would not be able to relax if things were not done well when they need to be. He is muuuuuuuch slower at doing things than I am (because I've had to learn to do things quickly, he never had to). This is why we were at headlog because I thought he was just giving me excuses being happy to have me on the side, which didn't suit me at all.

I was wrong though, he really wanted to share his life with me. The difference maybe is that I could see that he was doing everything to make it happen. OP said that they couldn't move together because of otherwise losing her home. My partner was prepared to sell his house so we could buy something else together. OP seems focused on what she can't do rather than looking at solutions to make it happen. It does therefore make you wonder whether she does actually wish to commit to her OH.

bewilderedhelpneeded

NoGoodNamesLeft wrote: »

I wouldn't give up my hobby, especially considering it only takes 2 hours a week and seems to be the only thing you do for yourself.

Could you afford a cleaner or gardener to come in once a week to give you more spare time?

How long will your college course last? Once that's finished you could spend more evenings together.

No chance I could afford cleaner or gardener unfortunately
College course lasts 3 years - just started 2nd year