im back but no further on!

Mrs_Wossinge

I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way.

I just wanted to recommend The Marriage Course, which covers money and a whole load of other stress-making issues! I did it with my husband last year and we found it really useful. You can do it as a new couple, a fighting couple, even a separated couple wanting to sort things out. It's run by the church but really isn't preachy at all - there's very little 'religious' content, it's just that they value marriages and want to help save them/make them better. They have some great advice on money and argument strategies(!) which we now use! Basically you spend a couple of hours a week having a meal and watching a DVD and there are 'pause here' bits for you to spend time in a room on your own as a couple, talking through a set of questions about each topic - you never have to share personal stuff in front of others. It lasts about 10 weeks.

You can find The Marriage Course on Google - not sure if I'm allowed to post a link so I won't. Hope that helps, if not Hannah's Mummy then someone else.

Edited to add that there's also The Marriage Book which has the same content if you can't persuade your spouse to go on the course, or you can buy the DVDs to use at home.

SarahNeedle1872

Hi HM, I just read ur thread and I can't believe how mean ur DH is! - please don't take offence to that tho!

With the amount of dough he's got just sat in his account, he could pay all the debts in ur sig with out even noticing!!!!

I am lucky that OH gives me all the money I need, ESPECIALLY for our son - even if he does moan like hell for the rest of the month.

I absolutley LOVE the idea for the strike, it works with OH every time

I know it's a hard thing to contemplate, but I think you need to consider your relationship with him, for the sake of your child, if nothing else. How can he justify giving his son £275 a month, and you get nothing!

And, you say he is good with his money..... he's got £29k sat in a current account! That's not good, it should be in ISA's/High interest current accounts, so he's obviously not THAT clued up.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, it really isn't meant to be, I have a LOT of repesct for you putting up with the way he is towards you with regards to money, and I hope that's not indicitive of how your relationship as a whole is?!

Lots of love, sstay strong for you and your daughter

Sarah x

amani_2

Hi HM, Hows things,

Am I reading this wrong, the statement you posted was your OH yes? I am probably going to get shouted at for this but I think he pays his fair share to be honest. if he pays for everything, what do you pay for shopping? I dont mean to sound horrible. I know you have debts from your wedding and I think he should be paying his fair share of these if not all. Maybe I am wrong you could probably do with a little from him each week, AND HE CAN WELL AFORD IT.

SORRY hope this does not ofend this is just my opinion

AMANI XXX

smudgemanc26

amani wrote: »

Hi HM, Hows things,

Am I reading this wrong, the statement you posted was your OH yes? I am probably going to get shouted at for this but I think he pays his fair share to be honest. if he pays for everything, what do you pay for shopping? I dont mean to sound horrible. I know you have debts from your wedding and I think he should be paying his fair share of these if not all. Maybe I am wrong you could probably do with a little from him each week, AND HE CAN WELL AFORD IT.

SORRY hope this does not ofend this is just my opinion

AMANI XXX

Yeah but if HM is paying off THEIR debts then surely her OH should give some money towards child costs, after all she has had to work 2 jobs to survive and if he can give his other son £275 a month then surely his daughter should get something to pay for clothes, toys etc?

I understand what your saying about the OH paying for most things in the house but i think the point that most of us were trying to say is why be sat on all that money when your partner has debts which are joint ones at that and your watching them struggle - surely thats not what a partnership is all about?!

amani_2

smudgemanc26 wrote: »

Yeah but if HM is paying off THEIR debts then surely her OH should give some money towards child costs, after all she has had to work 2 jobs to survive and if he can give his other son £275 a month then surely his daughter should get something to pay for clothes, toys etc?

I understand what your saying about the OH paying for most things in the house but i think the point that most of us were trying to say is why be sat on all that money when your partner has debts which are joint ones at that and your watching them struggle - surely thats not what a partnership is all about?!

yes i agree as i said he should be paying of his share of the debt if not all of it. I would without any doubt pay off my love ones debts if I had the money I would give them my last penny. I have also asked why he pays for his son and not his daughter. Maybe he cant get away with it, with his son. There is problems in the relationship, from his side thats true. Also as SNAGGELS said I dont think he is that savy with money other wise it would not be sat in his current account, it would be in a savings account.

smudgemanc26

amani wrote: »

yes i agree as i said he should be paying of his share of the debt if not all of it. I would without any doubt pay off my love ones debts if I had the money I would give them my last penny. I have also asked why he pays for his son and not his daughter. Maybe he cant get away with it, with his son. There is problems in the relationship, from his side thats true. Also as SNAGGELS said I dont think he is that savy with money other wise it would not be sat in his current account, it would be in a savings account.

Very true Amani and i agree if i was in a position of helping someone financially in my family who needed it i wouldnt hesitate. If only more people would be caring eh!

At least she has the help and support of people on this board its great! :T

GettingThingsDone

Hi hannahsmummy1,

I've only read this thread of yours, so I don't know your full background, so I may be way out of order! hope not to offend , so ignore if it does please...

Devils advocate view:
a) has he 'got over' his previous wife? he needs to decide if he's your husband and the father of your daughter, or just your flatmate.

b) does he have a fear of your marriage ending? in other words he is building a financial cushion for himself in case you start a divorce? by keeping you in debt he may be able to get away with making you a lower settlement figure? Would he need to 'buy you out' of the equity in your home?

c) something else? his behaviour is not 'normal' so there could be something on his mind. this could be anything - maybe he wants to buy a yacht and sail the world; maybe he wants to set up his own business. maybe he's just 'addicted' to seeing that big savings number grow and grow.

I don't know how you find out the answer, but if your instincts are telling you something is wrong, then you are probably right. as they say 'knowledge is power' and you need some knowledge right now - what the f**k is he up to??!

gtd

amani_2

GettingThingsDone wrote: »

Hi hannahsmummy1,

I've only read this thread of yours, so I don't know your full background, so I may be way out of order! hope not to offend , so ignore if it does please...

Devils advocate view:
a) has he 'got over' his previous wife? he needs to decide if he's your husband and the father of your daughter, or just your flatmate.

b) does he have a fear of your marriage ending? in other words he is building a financial cushion for himself in case you start a divorce? by keeping you in debt he may be able to get away with making you a lower settlement figure? Would he need to 'buy you out' of the equity in your home?

c) something else? his behaviour is not 'normal' so there could be something on his mind. this could be anything - maybe he wants to buy a yacht and sail the world; maybe he wants to set up his own business. maybe he's just 'addicted' to seeing that big savings number grow and grow.

I don't know how you find out the answer, but if your instincts are telling you something is wrong, then you are probably right. as they say 'knowledge is power' and you need some knowledge right now - what the f**k is he up to??!

gtd

Some very good points there, could'nt have said it any better.

SortingIt_2

Hi Hannahsmummy,

I have just been catching up on your new thread and I would just like to say that I am amazed by the turn around in you! You seem to be far more confident and positive that before - well done you!

As for your OH - we only know what you tell us but I hope you don't mind me asking.... are you really happy??? It just seems that you are doing a lot of giving and trying your hardest when the one person who should love you more than words (and your daughter) seems to be treating you as a mate staying at your house, no helping you in any way whatsoever and making your quality of life poor - not to mention your joint quaility of life as a couple.

Do you do things together? Days out? Meals?

No worries if too personal, I understand but I am just confused as to why someone so nice as you and so hard working wants to be with someone who doesn't seem to care about your situation? Does he find it hard to show feelings?

Right will stop there, I am just slightly confused by the whole situation.... I know there is probably a whole lot more.

Again apologies if I overstepped the mark.

Good luck xx

hannahsmummy1

As someone mentioned he does pay for the household bills and the mortage and the shopping, BUT i have 86 pounds a week wages i get child benefit of 79 a month and tax credits of 43 a month, out of this i have to pay 50 on 2 credit cards, and then 36 times 2 for 2 loans from lloyds, i then have to pay 40 a month for OUR daughters nursery fees, i get her nappies, and wipes, any clothes and shoes she needs, and anything else she needs. It was ME who organised and paid for everything for her party at the weekend (it wasnt much as i cant afford much- yes i did ask him for money but the same answer- shrugs his shoulders says nothing) I also paid for the wallpaper in our dining room, new curtains, new rug- (although most of it was paid by vouchers i had from bonus at work)

He does find it hard to show his feelings, if we have an argument he always storms off upstairs and says hes not arguing about it. The same thing happens if i try and show my feelings to him about situations, hence the reason i left it so late in telling him what had happened.

His ex wife had was having an affair, thats why the marriage ended there. When they divorced he GAVE her half of what the house was worth (even though she didnt pay into it at all) he also gave her half of the savings, this was instead of going to court and roughing it all out.

He does have a lot of things on his mind at the moment- he has to commute to work starting in August-this comes less than a year in the job that we moved down here for. I try and talk to him and i always ask him if there is anything else bothering him- he always says no.

We do go out occasionally- its just getting a babysitter- until recently we used a babysitting service- which I paid for- at 5.35 an hour. I stopped it when we moved as i couldnt afford it, so we dont go out now unless wehave family down to babysit for free for us.

I hope that this answers some of the questions that some people have