Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

AlexLK

fc123 wrote: »

Oh dear........The spend-fest happened post doctors? A reaction because it didn't go well?

Yes, he (the doctor) I found to be patronising and arrogant. However, that does not change the fact that my reaction was rather childish.

fc123 wrote: »

I have highlighted some lines below in bold as they are your clues....the 'Posh Shop Trip' was a symptom and you really have to dig deep inside yourself to address this.

I will be honest with you now.......if I was Mrs K, I would have walked out for the night too. I would call it out of order behaviour considering your circumstances as of this moment.

I do understand that I do need to steer away from the "posh shop trips".

As for my wife, I am not judging her reaction. I'd prefer she went somewhere other than her brother's but that is up to her when all said and done. I won't see her until she finishes work tomorrow, in all honesty I miss her already.

fc123 wrote: »

Doubly out of order as she has to go back to work F/T, despite having a toddler, to ensure enough ££ comes into the household every month. She may be keen on the idea now but it will be exhausting for her and she will have 'working mother guilt' whereby we try to spend 'quality time' with our kids but it's not the same as being there for a whole day during the week. I always felt the perfect balance was 3 or 4 days work and rest of time at home. I couldn't achieve that (sadly as I never had the choice) and that time with the kids never comes back.

She said she can't wait to go back FT but maybe part of that is wanting to have days whereby she feels 'in control'? By that I mean being at home with a toddler (+ you sometimes) is hard work as it's so random, whereas at work ones has more 'control' over the day. This feeling she prefers.

On this point, I do feel the need to fight my corner, I'm afraid: I have not once pushed my wife into going back to work full time, she enjoys her work and feels that now is the time to go back (she has done before she knew about the debts I had accumulated).

Is time she misses with our son really inherently more important than time I miss with him? Surely, if she missed time spent with him so much she would not have left this house without him this evening. Anyhow, I shall move on as my wife and her relationship with our son is not something I particularly want to discuss on here.

fc123 wrote: »

CBT has come up a few times in the thread and it's similar to the Pavlov's Dog syndrome.

I have asked about CBT today and was told to "go back to my GP" about it.

fc123 wrote: »

You said your parents weren't well off at the outset but did 'well' and became better off. I know most 'Old Money' types don't spend on conspicuous consumption so I wonder if when you were a kid, if you got, say, 9/10 for a spelling test or passed Grade 2 Piano with a high mark you got 'A Treat'.....a trip to the shops, a special thing bought for you?
That could be a root of how the buying a nice thing makes you feel? Connected to approval and a warm glow of being 'special'?

I suppose one could call my parents "lower middle class" so far as their backgrounds went. Yes, they did very well for themselves thus meaning I am not "old money".

Yes, I was given 'a treat' for such things as passing exams etc.

fc123 wrote: »

We ran shops for over 20 years and we remember The Shopaholics. They would come in, have a nice chat, we would treat them really well, treat them like a special person, they would take care selecting their purchases, we would assist, flatter and make them feel thoroughly special......then.......* Kerching*, they bought, they left and we had their ££££ in the till.
We had a no refund policy for some (we were selective and always refunded genuine customer errors) as it wasn't uncommon for some to spend 3 hours in the store, using up our staff time, selecting, buying and then they would want to return it all for a refund the following week as we were just their momentary therapy at that time. Maybe they were on MSE?!
We were next to a K Millen store who also had the same problem (and didn't refund for the same reason!) so, this is why some stores have no refund policies and exchange only as the shopaholics are far more common that most people would know
I do understand the nice experience you must have had as stores that charge £167 for a shirt and wallet will have a level of service and customer connection that a Primark doesn't quite have. Not meant in a looking down at them way ....but in a realistic way.

I do relate to this.

fc123 wrote: »

You are going to have to find a new Buzz Alex or she may go....seriously.

I am all too aware of this

fc123 wrote: »

Good....keep the promise. You told us (and we are just a load of randoms online ) so, deep down you know what you have to do.

Yes, I do.

fc123 wrote: »

You are going to have to stare at your salary amount and see it for what it is. So little? Some perspective is needed here. Whilst you owe 27k on cards and have a mortgage, the odd treat is OK, but expensive shirts etc are a no no. You say you can't afford childcare? Come on....

My salary is rather bad looking at the moment but if I treated my personal life as I do my business, my bank balance would be a hell of a lot better. However, a pay rise is imminent, then there is the teaching.

OK, I was making excuses there with the rest of the stuff.

Softlass

Alex it seems to me that your struggle with responsibility is key to everything here. Recognising your responsibility to your wife and child can feel like a huge and scary thing. Some people are more comfortable with it than others and depression can completely skew peoples perception and ability to cope with it.

I have a child and believe my main task is to ensure they can be independent and comfortable with responsibilities. At the end of the day coping with life is what will bring them the most happiness.

Firstly you need to understand there are things you are responsible for e.g. How much effort you put in to earning money/not spending money. This can, but often doesn't, relate to how successful those things are. I.e. long day working hard but equates to no sales. It is the honest (key word) intention that counts

And 2. those you are not responsible for e.g. Small minded opinions of others - mrs K's family. You can try your best to win them round but at the end of the day they will form their own opinions.

3. You need to be honest with yourself about your responsibilities and utilise the good people on here to rationalise your own thoughts about success or failure. Being honest with yourself is almost impossible for someone with depression...So keep posting!!

Yes, i'll be honest, spending £145 on 'stuff' was irresponsible but changing your way of thinking is not going to happen over night. Keep going, we're in it for the long haul but there's a bright 'debt free' light at the end of the tunnel.

AlexLK

mum2one wrote: »

I know you may need a shirt, and they well be the shirts that you did buy (note the did buy) it is hard to adjust to a debt free wanabee, a budget, but its changes we need to make in an order to get the debts paid off.

I know you say your only paying £40 for the next 6 months to the cards, and £315 to the loan, have you reduced the loan payment, - as if the creditors find others are being treated differently they wont agree to a reduced payment budget. All creditors need to be treated equally.

I'm confused on this as the loan is NOT behind and hasn't accrued defaults.

mum2one wrote: »

As for full and finals - in therory you really need to be in a position to offer all the creditors full and final in one swoop, say 1 accepted and 3 refused, than they have made the choice not you.

Again also confused on this, I don't see how the creditors will know one and other, they are all different banks. Or were in the case of the two at collection agencies.

mum2one wrote: »

Sorry if I have been harsh, I know your only two weeks in and you have a ot going on, I would stop any unnecessary spending, review the budget at the end of the month and then see where the areas you may have allocated too much, whereas other parts not enough.

Thank you and no I don't see this post as being harsh, more realistic . I am definitely reviewing the budget at the end of the month.

mum2one wrote: »

The debt - sorry to pry but was it a joint debt, more than one sides? just you say than Mrs K hasnt sold anything, maybe she doesnt think she needs to sell anything, - I think when you do the budgets you both need to sit down and sort it out. x

The credit card debt was accrued by me, in secret also ignored in secret until just before I started this diary.

AlexLK

snookey wrote: »

Hi Alex I dont know what the doctor said about your depression but sometimes when your feeling down even the most innocent remark can seem like criticism. I too suffer from depression and at times feel that nobody really understands but things do get better.

The shirt that you bought try to take it back and if possible take someone with you.. Is there a friend who you can call and confide in.

Remember you are still going to debt bust only with a few steps back now and again. Nobody is perfect, nobody has all the answers and we all learn through our mistakes.

I cannot speak to anybody in real life about this other than my wife. My parents are unaware I owe money and I shut myself off from my close friends a few years ago now. However, thank you for your encouraging post.

AlexLK

Softlass wrote: »

Alex it seems to me that your struggle with responsibility is key to everything here. Recognising your responsibility to your wife and child can feel like a huge and scary thing. Some people are more comfortable with it than others and depression can completely skew peoples perception and ability to cope with it.

I have a child and believe my main task is to ensure they can be independent and comfortable with responsibilities. At the end of the day coping with life is what will bring them the most happiness.

Firstly you need to understand there are things you are responsible for e.g. How much effort you put in to earning money/not spending money. This can, but often doesn't, relate to how successful those things are. I.e. long day working hard but equates to no sales. It is the honest (key word) intention that counts

Recently I have been putting effort into work. Admitted, there was a time I didn't put much effort in at all.

Softlass wrote: »

And 2. those you are not responsible for e.g. Small minded opinions of others - mrs K's family. You can try your best to win them round but at the end of the day they will form their own opinions.

Agreed there but one of those things that is much easier said than done.

Softlass wrote: »

3. You need to be honest with yourself about your responsibilities and utilise the good people on here to rationalise your own thoughts about success or failure. Being honest with yourself is almost impossible for someone with depression...So keep posting!!

Yes, i'll be honest, spending £145 on 'stuff' was irresponsible but changing your way of thinking is not going to happen over night. Keep going, we're in it for the long haul but there's a bright 'debt free' light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you.

Kantankrus_Mare

Buzz from an expensive shopping trip? A few minutes to an hour or two. Tops.

Low from knowing you really shouldn't have and the realisation you have let your wife down? Days , weeks , possibly a lifetime.

It's a no brainer really.
You can get back on the horse, it can be done!

Softlass

Just a thought but could you keep a picture of Mrs and little K in your wallet that you are forced to look at before you handover and money. That little visual reminder might just be the tool you need to shut your wallet and step away from the spend.

Softlass

Kantankrus_Mare wrote: »

Buzz from an expensive shopping trip? A few minutes to an hour or two. Tops.

Low from knowing you really shouldn't have and the realisation you have let your wife down? Days , weeks , possibly a lifetime.

It's a no brainer really.
You can get back on the horse, it can be done!

Agreed!!! Is there a MSE equivalent to second on the lips life time on the hips :rotfl:

7roland8

Softlass wrote: »

Just a thought but could you keep a picture of Mrs and little K in your wallet that you are forced to look at before you handover and money. That little visual reminder might just be the tool you need to shut your wallet and step away from the spend.

Or a card with the total of your debt on - to remind you how much you still have to pay off?

I know when my boys were young I was always with them so no time to shop.

fc123

AlexLK wrote: »

Yes, he (the doctor) I found to be patronising and arrogant. However, that does not change the fact that my reaction was rather childish.



I do understand that I do need to steer away from the "posh shop trips".

As for my wife, I am not judging her reaction. I'd prefer she went somewhere other than her brother's but that is up to her when all said and done. I won't see her until she finishes work tomorrow, in all honesty I miss her already.



On this point, I do feel the need to fight my corner, I'm afraid: I have not once pushed my wife into going back to work full time, she enjoys her work and feels that now is the time to go back (she has done before she knew about the debts I had accumulated).


I have asked about CBT today and was told to "go back to my GP" about it.







My salary is rather bad looking at the moment but if I treated my personal life as I do my business, my bank balance would be a hell of a lot better. However, a pay rise is imminent, then there is the teaching.

OK, I was making excuses there with the rest of the stuff.

No need to fight your corner at all ....this is your 'thought thread'. We just throw opinion, anecdotal, ideas into the pot...and you can see if anything helps.

Sometimes we make a 'call' on what you have written but it may be incorrect and as we don't 'know' you, we just take from what you write down.:)


Think about ex shopkeepers like me when you next go into one and are tempted

You know what? There are loads of people with shopping addiction but it never really comes up as a serious issue if they can 'afford' it.
We have 3 really bad ones in the family.......and I loved Theoreticas post esp the bit below....

theoretica

My view is that as with any limited resource it makes sense to plan and ensure you have enough, but very often making less go further actually leads to more enjoyment than using it very liberally and then spending more time and effort going out and getting more.

.