Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

AlexLK

Tuesday 17th September, 2013.
Day 16.

Dear Diary,

I started this diary full of good intentions for the future, because I was aware of a need to change my ways and stop spending unnecessary amounts of money. Today, I danced with the past embracing that good feeling I get when handing over money in exchange for luxury goods. However, I am ashamed and equally afraid that slips like these will end up costing me my marriage. Yes, my wife has gone to spend the evening at her brother's house.

This is not a plea for pity, more a note to myself, something to read and remember the events of today in the hope I shall think twice before mindlessly buying things I don't need again.

Summary:
-£2.40 Parking.
-£3.50 Parking.
-£5.95 Lunch.
-£167.98 Clothing.

Yours Faithfully,
Alex.

Mara_uk7

Alex, Im sorry if you thought I was being harsh earlier, i read back and you have mentioned a couple of times that your parents were finding it tiring looking after a toddler. Can you find him a nursery for a couple of mornings a week, this will free you up to work for these few hours, knowing he was safe and being looked after.

Now ..Mrs K .. Understand why she is upset with you, but running away for the evening ? I hope shes not moaning to her family about what happened today ? They dont need more ammo to chuck at you.

Please dont reach for the bottle, read a book, read some diaries, go for a walk .... Anything, but dont sit wallowing. Youre worth more than that.

lesley_rod

Hi Alex,

I've been following your journey and see today's spend as a bump and, as long as you learn from it, should be irrelevant in your debt free quest.
You obviously do need something to get a buzz from, I get that as I needed it as well, at the start. Not sure it's your thing and does take some time but I entered online competitions, when the small prizes started to come through it was a 'better' buzz than spending lol
Eventually you'll get used to living on a budget, expecting to completely change your attitude to money in 2 weeks without getting it wrong a few times is a very high expectation. You do NEED to learn and I think you will, the biggest risk I can see at the moment is your low self esteem!
Don't allow yourself to feel a failure, you are very lucky with a successful marriage and your gorgeous son!
Dust yourself down, tomorrow's another day!
Lesley

AlexLK

Mara: I understand re. the childcare, yes my parents find him hard going, I want to deny this, deny they are getting older. This most likely sounds incredibly stupid but to me it isn't.

Mrs. K. will most likely have told her brother everything, they are close. However, before we even married I knew she was somebody who had to "get away" from an argument.

Not going to reach for the bottle whilst watching son and unfortunately cannot go for a walk and get some fresh air as he is now asleep. I have so far wrote a couple of advertisements for things that need to go up for sale and am reading some posts on here.

Lesley: Thank you for an encouraging post. I am trying to do a few positive things this evening.

theoretica

If the shirt and wallet are still in saleable condition with tags, then take them back. Will you really enjoy them? If you can't return them then recover from the slip by selling extra stuff - I am sure you are a man with extra sets of nice cuff links for instance.

In future, remember the shirt will still be there next week, and if you want it you can come back when you have sold more treasures or after discussion with Mrs K. Banning yourself from the shops seems a good idea to me - there is no added virtue in exposing yourself to temptation you can simply avoid. It sounds to me like you have simply got into a spending habit and the easiest way to get out of a habit is to get away from it rather than trying to become a window shopper.

I wonder if you need to step back and think about your whole family's attitude to money. Reading your story, it sounds like your grandparents especially, and parents too, attach great importance to wealth as something they had been without and struggled for. But perhaps they attached too much importance to it in their attitude to less well off people. Growing up you mainly saw the spending and reaping the rewards of earlier toil, without being taught the habits of economy that lead to responsible financial planning and the growth of that wealth in the first place. Similarly your in-outlaws seem to think a lot about money and how much people have and have an unhappy attitude to those wealthier than thay are.

My view is that as with any limited resource it makes sense to plan and ensure you have enough, but very often making less go further actually leads to more enjoyment than using it very liberally and then spending more time and effort going out and getting more.

It is hard to learn new things as an adult, whether habits of economy or playing the piano. As adults we are used to being good at things while children are used to improving and taking time to become competent. It is a new skill you are learning, and the journey probably will not be smooth - but you can get there, just like your adult piano student. As other people have said look for progress from where you were, rather than instant perfection.

cottage_retreatist

Hi AlexLK - I have been reading but so far haven't posted but felt the need to post up tonight to tell you that you have done so brilliantly so far and you can keep going!! :beer: I had a moment a few weeks ago where I completely fell into depression around the whole journey to debt freedom but I got on here and have to say the kind words on the DFW board turned me around (It actually led to me chopping up all of my and OH's credit cards while he was on a business trip!!! shhh - he still doesn't know!!!).

We're all human, we all find it difficult and sometimes unfair -Mrs K sounds very understanding - I do it all alone as OH just can't handle it all!!!! So you have a great partnership - money is the only thing me and OH have fought about in our 8 years together so it really can put a strain on - can you start putting money away for a 'date night' for just the two of you to keep you both strong as a couple through this journey?

BTW - I get very depressed when my OH drinks - he sometimes drinks 2 bottles by himself or 6 cans of beer in an evening and to me that is an insult to us being a partnership because of the waste of money more than anything else - does Mrs K drink as well? Because she may see you drinking while driving forward a money-saving plan as hypocrisy? Especially if she has forgone some things she used to enjoy? Just a question? Not in any way a slight on drinking - I have a glass or two myself sometimes!

Keep on trucking! And btw - fascinated by the concept of posh pens - never knew such a niche existed!!

AlexLK

theoretica wrote: »

If the shirt and wallet are still in saleable condition with tags, then take them back. Will you really enjoy them? If you can't return them then recover from the slip by selling extra stuff - I am sure you are a man with extra sets of nice cuff links for instance.

In future, remember the shirt will still be there next week, and if you want it you can come back when you have sold more treasures or after discussion with Mrs K. Banning yourself from the shops seems a good idea to me - there is no added virtue in exposing yourself to temptation you can simply avoid. It sounds to me like you have simply got into a spending habit and the easiest way to get out of a habit is to get away from it rather than trying to become a window shopper.

I wonder if you need to step back and think about your whole family's attitude to money. Reading your story, it sounds like your grandparents especially, and parents too, attach great importance to wealth as something they had been without and struggled for. But perhaps they attached too much importance to it in their attitude to less well off people. Growing up you mainly saw the spending and reaping the rewards of earlier toil, without being taught the habits of economy that lead to responsible financial planning and the growth of that wealth in the first place. Similarly your in-outlaws seem to think a lot about money and how much people have and have an unhappy attitude to those wealthier than thay are.

My view is that as with any limited resource it makes sense to plan and ensure you have enough, but very often making less go further actually leads to more enjoyment than using it very liberally and then spending more time and effort going out and getting more.

It is hard to learn new things as an adult, whether habits of economy or playing the piano. As adults we are used to being good at things while children are used to improving and taking time to become competent. It is a new skill you are learning, and the journey probably will not be smooth - but you can get there, just like your adult piano student. As other people have said look for progress from where you were, rather than instant perfection.

Hi there and thank you for your post,

No, I don't suppose I am going to really enjoy the items I bought. However, returning is a bit of a long shot now (no packaging, tags etc.). I could certainly try and make up for what I spent. Yes, I do have a bit of a cuff link collection, how did you guess?

I'm afraid I do not quite understand what is meant in regards to my family's attitude to money? I understood some and do have to admit to have being a bit of a spoiled child. However, you've got Mrs. K.'s family right.

Yes, I am finding trying to get into new habits incredibly difficult. Hopefully the more I do the right thing the easier it'll get? I'm trying to hold out some hope as I'd rather not go down the alternative avenue in all honesty.

cottage_retreatist wrote: »

Hi AlexLK - I have been reading but so far haven't posted but felt the need to post up tonight to tell you that you have done so brilliantly so far and you can keep going!! :beer: I had a moment a few weeks ago where I completely fell into depression around the whole journey to debt freedom but I got on here and have to say the kind words on the DFW board turned me around (It actually led to me chopping up all of my and OH's credit cards while he was on a business trip!!! shhh - he still doesn't know!!!).

We're all human, we all find it difficult and sometimes unfair -Mrs K sounds very understanding - I do it all alone as OH just can't handle it all!!!! So you have a great partnership - money is the only thing me and OH have fought about in our 8 years together so it really can put a strain on - can you start putting money away for a 'date night' for just the two of you to keep you both strong as a couple through this journey?

BTW - I get very depressed when my OH drinks - he sometimes drinks 2 bottles by himself or 6 cans of beer in an evening and to me that is an insult to us being a partnership because of the waste of money more than anything else - does Mrs K drink as well? Because she may see you drinking while driving forward a money-saving plan as hypocrisy? Especially if she has forgone some things she used to enjoy? Just a question? Not in any way a slight on drinking - I have a glass or two myself sometimes!

Keep on trucking! And btw - fascinated by the concept of posh pens - never knew such a niche existed!!

Thank you very much for your post.

I am perhaps not in the right state of mind to sing Mrs. K.'s praises this evening, so I'll come back to you on that one another day.

Drinking - Mrs. K. does drink but only a glass of wine. She could make a bottle last about a week herself. I do need to cut the drinking down and have until last weekend / yesterday. Fortunately, I've not touched a drop tonight.

fc123

Oh dear........The spend-fest happened post doctors? A reaction because it didn't go well?

I have highlighted some lines below in bold as they are your clues....the 'Posh Shop Trip' was a symptom and you really have to dig deep inside yourself to address this.

I will be honest with you now.......if I was Mrs K, I would have walked out for the night too. I would call it out of order behaviour considering your circumstances as of this moment.

Doubly out of order as she has to go back to work F/T, despite having a toddler, to ensure enough ££ comes into the household every month. She may be keen on the idea now but it will be exhausting for her and she will have 'working mother guilt' whereby we try to spend 'quality time' with our kids but it's not the same as being there for a whole day during the week. I always felt the perfect balance was 3 or 4 days work and rest of time at home. I couldn't achieve that (sadly as I never had the choice) and that time with the kids never comes back.

She said she can't wait to go back FT but maybe part of that is wanting to have days whereby she feels 'in control'? By that I mean being at home with a toddler (+ you sometimes) is hard work as it's so random, whereas at work ones has more 'control' over the day. This feeling she prefers.



CBT has come up a few times in the thread and it's similar to the Pavlov's Dog syndrome.
You said your parents weren't well off at the outset but did 'well' and became better off. I know most 'Old Money' types don't spend on conspicuous consumption so I wonder if when you were a kid, if you got, say, 9/10 for a spelling test or passed Grade 2 Piano with a high mark you got 'A Treat'.....a trip to the shops, a special thing bought for you?
That could be a root of how the buying a nice thing makes you feel? Connected to approval and a warm glow of being 'special'?

We ran shops for over 20 years and we remember The Shopaholics. They would come in, have a nice chat, we would treat them really well, treat them like a special person, they would take care selecting their purchases, we would assist, flatter and make them feel thoroughly special......then.......* Kerching*, they bought, they left and we had their ££££ in the till.
We had a no refund policy for some (we were selective and always refunded genuine customer errors) as it wasn't uncommon for some to spend 3 hours in the store, using up our staff time, selecting, buying and then they would want to return it all for a refund the following week as we were just their momentary therapy at that time. Maybe they were on MSE?!
We were next to a K Millen store who also had the same problem (and didn't refund for the same reason!) so, this is why some stores have no refund policies and exchange only as the shopaholics are far more common that most people would know
I do understand the nice experience you must have had as stores that charge £167 for a shirt and wallet will have a level of service and customer connection that a Primark doesn't quite have. Not meant in a looking down at them way ....but in a realistic way.

You are going to have to find a new Buzz Alex or she may go....seriously.

AlexLK wrote: »

HBS: I do indeed need to ban myself from shops. I only went into the city centre for a spot of lunch after the disaster that was my appointment this morning.

Still cannot get over the doctor's attitude towards me and I'm not sure in which way to turn next. Mrs. K. is most likely going to hit the roof without so much as listening to what I've got to say once she gets home which is in about five minutes time. A part of me is just telling me to pretend I haven't bought anything, conveniently I paid cash so can cover my tracks easily enough. However, I promised to stop lying and I'm not sure my conscience can take the lies anymore.

Good....keep the promise. You told us (and we are just a load of randoms online ) so, deep down you know what you have to do.

AlexLK wrote: »

I find having so little to spend on myself nigh on impossible. Even this month I am up to almost £200 and it's not even the end of the month. To be honest, I'm not sure I was realistic in my original SOA when I said I spent about £200 per month on myself, I'm fairly certain as I'm now trying to live frugally it was more.

You are going to have to stare at your salary amount and see it for what it is. So little? Some perspective is needed here. Whilst you owe 27k on cards and have a mortgage, the odd treat is OK, but expensive shirts etc are a no no. You say you can't afford childcare? Come on....

AlexLK wrote: »

Thank you for all your responses. I do really want to do this. Disappointed with myself. Currently trying to fight the urge to drink myself into a stupor as I realise I have been an idiot and that this needs to stop else I wind up divorced and penniless.

Absolutely......

mum2one

AlexLK wrote: »

Mara: I understand re. the childcare, yes my parents find him hard going, I want to deny this, deny they are getting older. This most likely sounds incredibly stupid but to me it isn't.


It isn't stupid, as my parents are 68 and 75, I dont want to think of them getting older, so I can fully see where your coming from, although my DD is older than your son, but there as much responsible for her as I am.
Mrs. K. will most likely have told her brother everything, they are close. However, before we even married I knew she was somebody who had to "get away" from an argument.

I may put the cat among the pigeons, but that has absolutely past a joke, your a married couple, your not teenagers having an end of ngt arguement, ok the situation happened, but you work together and face it, not run off to her brothers, then of course the next time you see them a penny to a pound they will know the full history, yes Mrs k may well need someone to talk to, but she needs to learn to stay and sort things out

Not going to reach for the bottle whilst watching son and unfortunately cannot go for a walk and get some fresh air as he is now asleep. I have so far wrote a couple of advertisements for things that need to go up for sale and am reading some posts on here.

That is brilliant, you have been productive with the time,

Lesley: Thank you for an encouraging post. I am trying to do a few positive things this evening.

I know you may need a shirt, and they well be the shirts that you did buy (note the did buy) it is hard to adjust to a debt free wanabee, a budget, but its changes we need to make in an order to get the debts paid off.

I know you say your only paying £40 for the next 6 months to the cards, and £315 to the loan, have you reduced the loan payment, - as if the creditors find others are being treated differently they wont agree to a reduced payment budget. All creditors need to be treated equally.

As for full and finals - in therory you really need to be in a position to offer all the creditors full and final in one swoop, say 1 accepted and 3 refused, than they have made the choice not you.

Sorry if I have been harsh, I know your only two weeks in and you have a ot going on, I would stop any unnecessary spending, review the budget at the end of the month and then see where the areas you may have allocated too much, whereas other parts not enough.

The debt - sorry to pry but was it a joint debt, more than one sides? just you say than Mrs K hasnt sold anything, maybe she doesnt think she needs to sell anything, - I think when you do the budgets you both need to sit down and sort it out. x

snookey

Hi Alex I dont know what the doctor said about your depression but sometimes when your feeling down even the most innocent remark can seem like criticism. I too suffer from depression and at times feel that nobody really understands but things do get better.

The shirt that you bought try to take it back and if possible take someone with you.. Is there a friend who you can call and confide in.

Remember you are still going to debt bust only with a few steps back now and again. Nobody is perfect, nobody has all the answers and we all learn through our mistakes.