Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

Domayne

Sounds like you have very low self esteem if you need to laugh at other people and feel that you are better than them because you have more/better 'stuff' than they do...Maybe you would be better off investing your money into therapy to figure out the root cause of this low self esteem and improving it rather than wasting it on 'stuff' that clearly hasn't made you happy so far.

Mara_uk7

But Alex, Once youve bought the "stuff" you shove it away out of sight and forget that youve bought some of it. You store it "for the future". Your thrill comes (imho) of being seen to spend money, and people thinking you must be a wealthy man to buy such things.

Its all about "front" with you, and until you realise that you really cant afford to do this, You will continue taking "pocket money" from your parents, reinforcing their belief that you are no good with money.

Just stop envying other people, If people judge you by what you own, Theyre not worth knowing. I bet you have a closer relationship with your virtual friends on here than you do with any so called "friends" in the real world.

I apologise again if you think Im talking to you like a child, but tbh, You act like one a lot of the time. You can do better Alex, You really can.

PS, Ive done the debt thing, cleared it, and apart from my mortgage, owe nothing to nobody, So I do know how hard it is to budget, Ive done it, on an awful lot less income than you two.

heartbreak_star

AlexLK wrote: »

HBS: You trying to say I'm childish?

Admittedly the need for "stuff" as you put it is my downfall. Whilst I do enjoy some simple things, I don't enjoy them half as much as the expensive ones. I'd also admit to enjoying to look down on others sometimes, I'm sure everybody looks down on somebody for some reason.

I can't really distance myself from my parents: they expect me to do things for them, my father is not so well (not being morbid but he likely will not be around in five years time), they look after my son, all the capital for my business came from them and we need the money they give us.

There's no such thing as a starter house. That is a business buzzword.

You can be childish sometimes

I don't look down on people, simply because I don't like anyone looking down on me. Yes, I see homeless people, people struggling and the like, but I feel sorry for them and wonder how I can help rather than looking down on them. It's why I donate to foodbanks and the like.

As for your last statement - you're going to be eternally in their pockets and at their beck and call then, and if I was Mrs K I'd be annoyed with this. You have a good income between you so WHY do you need your parents' money??

Here's my scenario. I work full-time, go to the gym, coach voluntarily, and take a gymnastics class once a week. I also live 15 miles away from my mum. She has her dogs, her church and her friends - but she still needs things doing.

So we arrange to spend part of Saturday together. I pop down and do anything she needs doing around the house and garden, OH comes if it's a two-man job, and she treats me to lunch. If there is something very urgent, of course I will go over, but we generally see each other once a week and speak on the phone most days.

Build a relationship on equal footing. You're a grown man with your own son now, not a child! A lot of what I see when I read your posts concerning your parents is you scampering up to them like a puppy or kitten with a toy and them being disappointed with whatever you have brought them, so you go off and find something bigger and shinier to show them.

(Again, I hope that makes sense!)

HBS x

Goldiegirl

This whole thing about living a lifestyle you can't afford.

I suppose there are options to make it happen.

You could go out there and earn the money to pay for it, and get back into the city/corporate lifestyle. But everything you've said tells us that you are not cut out for that working life - and there's no shame in that.

Or, you could wait until you come into your inheritance, and when all that dosh falls into your lap, then you could have the lifestyle you've always wanted. But waiting for an inheritance is always a risky strategy. You've said your dad might not be round in 5 years, but your mum could be around for another thirty. There's no guarantee you'll get your inheritance either - she could bypass you in favour of your son, leave it to the cats home or need full time care that will eat up the money.

Another thing - do you genuinely think having the money for a 'new life' would make you happy? In any 'new life' situation, there's a problem.... You have to take the old you with you. Until you are comfortable with yourself, I genuinely think true happiness is beyond a person's reach.

I'm sure you know all this on an intellectual basis, but until you accept this in your heart, I'm not sure how you progress from here.

Instead of hankering for something that is not in your reach, concentrate on what you can achieve - a good relationship with your son, working with your wife to get on the same page, untying those apron strings, making compromises so you can achieve some of the things you would really like, etc.

AlexLK

Domayne wrote: »

Sounds like you have very low self esteem if you need to laugh at other people and feel that you are better than them because you have more/better 'stuff' than they do...Maybe you would be better off investing your money into therapy to figure out the root cause of this low self esteem and improving it rather than wasting it on 'stuff' that clearly hasn't made you happy so far.

I'm don't have a need to "laugh at other people", yes there are certain demographics of society I look down upon but I'm positive I'm not the only one.

Mara_uk7 wrote: »

But Alex, Once youve bought the "stuff" you shove it away out of sight and forget that youve bought some of it. You store it "for the future". Your thrill comes (imho) of being seen to spend money, and people thinking you must be a wealthy man to buy such things.

Its all about "front" with you, and until you realise that you really cant afford to do this, You will continue taking "pocket money" from your parents, reinforcing their belief that you are no good with money.

Just stop envying other people, If people judge you by what you own, Theyre not worth knowing. I bet you have a closer relationship with your virtual friends on here than you do with any so called "friends" in the real world.

I apologise again if you think Im talking to you like a child, but tbh, You act like one a lot of the time. You can do better Alex, You really can.

PS, Ive done the debt thing, cleared it, and apart from my mortgage, owe nothing to nobody, So I do know how hard it is to budget, Ive done it, on an awful lot less income than you two.

Not quite sure what to say to this, do I like others thinking I'm wealthy? Yes, I do. In the past I have bought things to impress others, not recently though. I'd rather my "friends" (more like acquaintances) didn't think of me as being "poor".

heartbreak_star wrote: »

There's no such thing as a starter house. That is a business buzzword.

You can be childish sometimes

I don't look down on people, simply because I don't like anyone looking down on me. Yes, I see homeless people, people struggling and the like, but I feel sorry for them and wonder how I can help rather than looking down on them. It's why I donate to foodbanks and the like.

As for your last statement - you're going to be eternally in their pockets and at their beck and call then, and if I was Mrs K I'd be annoyed with this. You have a good income between you so WHY do you need your parents' money??

Here's my scenario. I work full-time, go to the gym, coach voluntarily, and take a gymnastics class once a week. I also live 15 miles away from my mum. She has her dogs, her church and her friends - but she still needs things doing.

So we arrange to spend part of Saturday together. I pop down and do anything she needs doing around the house and garden, OH comes if it's a two-man job, and she treats me to lunch. If there is something very urgent, of course I will go over, but we generally see each other once a week and speak on the phone most days.

Build a relationship on equal footing. You're a grown man with your own son now, not a child! A lot of what I see when I read your posts concerning your parents is you scampering up to them like a puppy or kitten with a toy and them being disappointed with whatever you have brought them, so you go off and find something bigger and shinier to show them.

(Again, I hope that makes sense!)

HBS x

Mrs. K. is annoyed, she's always annoyed by me. I think she'd go if it weren't for the fact we have had a child together.

I understand your relationship with your Mum. That just wouldn't work with my family as they look after my son. Admittedly, I do try to impress my parents in the hope one day they will forgive me or I'll manage to make them proud. It's a rather difficult situation and I don't think they like me much.

AlexLK

Goldiegirl wrote: »

This whole thing about living a lifestyle you can't afford.

I suppose there are options to make it happen.

You could go out there and earn the money to pay for it, and get back into the city/corporate lifestyle. But everything you've said tells us that you are not cut out for that working life - and there's no shame in that.

Isn't there? Well, I'm ashamed of myself. I didn't quite make it, did I? The world tells me "it's alright, there's nothing to be ashamed of" in that little awkward voice, along with a "never mind it must be nice to spend all that time at home" *slight sneer*, as they thank God it was not them who fell.

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Or, you could wait until you come into your inheritance, and when all that dosh falls into your lap, then you could have the lifestyle you've always wanted. But waiting for an inheritance is always a risky strategy. You've said your dad might not be round in 5 years, but your mum could be around for another thirty. There's no guarantee you'll get your inheritance either - she could bypass you in favour of your son, leave it to the cats home or need full time care that will eat up the money.

Another thing - do you genuinely think having the money for a 'new life' would make you happy? In any 'new life' situation, there's a problem.... You have to take the old you with you. Until you are comfortable with yourself, I genuinely think true happiness is beyond a person's reach.

I'm sure you know all this on an intellectual basis, but until you accept this in your heart, I'm not sure how you progress from here.

Instead of hankering for something that is not in your reach, concentrate on what you can achieve - a good relationship with your son, working with your wife to get on the same page, untying those apron strings, making compromises so you can achieve some of the things you would really like, etc.

I hope I do not sound as if all I want from my parents in an inheritance because that is simply not true. Unfortunately, you are right about happiness though, how can someone who hates himself be happy? Well, he can't.

There is a part of me that knows I can do this debt free life, had a no spend day today and have generally been spending a lot less money lately, I just think there's a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and staying debt free (which is the whole point of this), will be an awful challenge.

Emmala

AlexLK wrote: »

I'm don't have a need to "laugh at other people", yes there are certain demographics of society I look down upon but I'm positive I'm not the only one.



Not quite sure what to say to this, do I like others thinking I'm wealthy? Yes, I do. In the past I have bought things to impress others, not recently though. I'd rather my "friends" (more like acquaintances) didn't think of me as being "poor".



Mrs. K. is annoyed, she's always annoyed by me. I think she'd go if it weren't for the fact we have had a child together.

I understand your relationship with your Mum. That just wouldn't work with my family as they look after my son. Admittedly, I do try to impress my parents in the hope one day they will forgive me or I'll manage to make them proud. It's a rather difficult situation and I don't think they like me much.

You're missing the point Alex....these days it's hard to tell who's poor and who's not!!! Look at you, for example, you have nice shirts in the wardrobe, watches etc but are you actually wealthy??? Um, NO!!! Who's to say that someone perceived as being rich/better off than you actually is?? It's just stuff.....inherited? bought on a credit card? owned? loaned? who can tell, and frankly, if you've got time to care then you have too much time on your hands!!


A friend of mine summed it up nicely after a mum at her sister's (private!) school was done for embezzlement.....'two BMWs on the drive, no food in the fridge'.....you just can't tell!

heartbreak_star

You really are good at the "poor me's", Alex!

*clears throat*

IF YOUR FRIENDS ARE REAL FRIENDS THEY WILL NOT CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE.

Some of my friends earn less than me but I certainly don't think of them as "poor". We just pick our nights out carefully.

STOP TRYING TO IMPRESS YOUR PARENTS. IF THEY HAVE ISSUES IT IS THEIR PROBLEM.

*croaks*

Above all else - STOP feeling sorry for yourself! You won't get anywhere while you do!

You really need to be grateful for what you have. Some people don't even have a roof over their heads. One of your pens could feed a family for weeks.

HBS x

Emmala

AlexLK wrote: »

Isn't there? Well, I'm ashamed of myself. I didn't quite make it, did I? The world tells me "it's alright, there's nothing to be ashamed of" in that little awkward voice, along with a "never mind it must be nice to spend all that time at home" *slight sneer*, as they thank God it was not them who fell.



I hope I do not sound as if all I want from my parents in an inheritance because that is simply not true. Unfortunately, you are right about happiness though, how can someone who hates himself be happy? Well, he can't.

There is a part of me that knows I can do this debt free life, had a no spend day today and have generally been spending a lot less money lately, I just think there's a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and staying debt free (which is the whole point of this), will be an awful challenge.

Oh grow a pair Alex for pity's sake.....do you know how much grief stay at home mum's get from society as a whole??? A woman can choose to leave a career/put it on hold to raise a child and all she gets are comments about being lazy/spending all day watching daytime telly/not contributing to society/sponging off her husband (that was my mother in law's take on me being at home, though now I'm at work because her son lost his job she's bashing me for not being there for the kids!)


Man up, man!!!! It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of the choices you make, they're probably just jealous anyway!!

heartbreak_star

Also regarding happiness - I detest myself. I am getting on, overweight, under-tall, boring haircut, dress in black all the time because I hate the way I look in clothes, and have weird skin.

Many people my age are in management jobs or similar. I'm a low-rung engineer.

BUT...my body works, I have all my limbs and organs and they all work, and I'm in generally good health.

My job pays the bills, with a little left over, and I quite enjoy it, plus my coaching makes me smile.

Again, it's about being grateful for what you have. Jealousy and anger just eat you up. You'd probably hate yourself less if you could stop being jealous of the wealth you perceive others to have.

HBS x