Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

7roland8

Gosh Alex - look at your signature and see how much you have cleared of your debt - how marvelous.

Having too much time to think is only bad if you focus on the negative stuff - no one says a Buddist has too much time when he spends it meditating.

Sorry to say I too think that the seeds of any problem usually develop in childhood so you cannot divorce your problems form your parents. Isn't there that famous quote - give me a child till he is 7 and I will show you the man?

Not saying anyone does things deliberately - but we are all products of our upbringings - even your parents.

We all try to do better for our children than our own parents did - but they can often have been damaged themselves by their own parents.

debtfreewannabe321

Hi Alex, I think Flacosfloozie sums it up for me, good replies. Stop being down on yourself please. I'm amazed at how well you've done. I think you need to be kinder to yourself and stop being woe is me so much, I should know as I do this far too often myself You're doing great, concentrate on the positives and the negatives will slip into the background slowly but surely. I couldn't handle a high-flying career, I was on the path once for it when I landed a great job many years ago but it wasn't for me as it's not for you (by the sounds of it) I left as you did yours. Everyone is different and everyone is destined to go their own path, not that of their parents or where their parents want them to go. I hope you have a good day :grouphug: there's a dodgy hug too

heartbreak_star

AlexLK wrote: »

To be honest, I feel guilty for failing them too but thank you for your positivity.

Yes, I'm still having counselling though had a couple of weeks off over the Christmas period, back to it on Thursday. I'm not sure what you are telling me I should be telling them? My parents have nothing to do with my issues with depression.

Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

IMHO, they are the absolute root cause and continued perpetuation of your depression...maybe not as people per se but they've indulged you, spoiled you and given you an unrealistic expectation of what they want in return, as well as you having a distorted view of them and how they should fit into your world.

They are keeping you in a place where you're incredibly unkind to yourself and unfair to yourself, your wife and child, and your in-laws.

Gosh, that was rather philosophical for a Tuesday.

But seriously, you need to talk to your counsellor about your parents, your relationship with them, and how that relates to Mrs K and Little K.

The above poster is right. Little K is ALWAYS watching and listening, and I think you try to please your parents more than the family you have created.

HBS x

Goldiegirl

debtfreewannabe321 wrote: »

I couldn't handle a high-flying career, I was on the path once for it when I landed a great job many years ago but it wasn't for me as it's not for you (by the sounds of it) I left as you did yours.

I think there's lots of people out there who are the same - me included!


I spent my 20's striving for the top - and when I got my promotion at age 30 I hated it, and it made me very unhappy.


So, after a lot of soul searching, I decided to step down in to a role that I had always enjoyed


Did I feel ashamed, or that I had let my parents down?


No I didn't, I felt happy and relieved. Money was tight for a few years, as we'd taken on a large new mortgage based on my higher salary, but we survived.


My husband was happier, because I was easier to live with, and as for my parents, well they weren't bothered what I was doing, as long as I was happy, what with me being a grown adult of 30 leading my own life.


I never once felt anyone was sneering at me because of my decision, or gave the impression they thought I was inferior because of my choice.


And Alex - I don't want to hear anything about it 'being 'different for a woman' or 'different because you went to a fee paying school'. The 1950's are gone. in 2014 we are all free to make our choices ( as we were in 1990 when I made my choice). Anybody who makes you feel inferior really isn't worth bothering with, and you should drop them from your life.


EDIT - I think your parents probably make you feel inferior, but you can't really drop them from you life! But I think the key to it all is your relationship with your parents. If you carry on with the counselling, I think that's the area to concentrate on

Granariesgirl

AlexLK wrote: »

We are all slaves to pieces of dirty paper circulating around the world with arbitrary numbers on them. Without those bits of paper, nobody in the UK could survive; we use the bits of paper for every part of life one can think of. These bits of paper keep a roof over our heads, gives us means to power our houses, buys us anything we can "afford" and defines our worth into a nice, quantifiable method. As a society, we like quantities, numbers, graphs and charts. We like to pigeon-hole individuals into little boxes based on where he or she lives, their age, sex, race and even by one's so-called "socio-economic" status. Yet, in reality, what is privileged? What is disadvantaged? Is one person's definition different to another's? Of course it is. Quantities do not really mean a lot, for as many that fit neatly into a nice little box there is somebody who will not.

Society and as a consequence government likes rules, neat little boxes, an idea that he fits there, and she there and that old couple over there fits somewhere else on an arbitrary map of "worth". Even as small children who know very little about our surroundings, we are placed into some neat little box on some economist's spreadsheet. I have "too much" time on my hands, too much time to think, consider and philosophise but who says what amount of time is too much time? I owe some large corporations arbitrary figures and for this "sin" I am labelled a "debtor". Society tells me I've a moral obligation to pay this arbitrary figure back to the large corporation whom likely owes the arbitrary figure to another being.

I, like many others before me, have chased these arbitrary figures, thinking they are the key to an unquantifiable entity known as "happiness" and if I have learned anything from this diary it is that money is not that key. Now, if I could only stop wasting that "too much" time on my hands thinking about it.

:T Brilliant, eloquent & NOT the thoughts & words of a worthless, hopeless person! :T

I have to say though that I totally agree with Mara_uk7, Mint1955, Domayne et al. Nature is not the only ingredient, nor even the principal ingredient in the stew of your problems: nurture is the by far the biggest part!

This doesn't mean your parents are vicious evil people bent on destroying their son's life by devious & convoluted means that would make even Moriarty blink! They did what they thought was best (& might have been fine for them & perfect for their personalities): keeping you away from "unsuitable" people, giving you everything they never had, paying for an expensive public school to give you a "leg up" in society... BUT you are NOT a carbon copy of your parents & your personality is different (just as Little K will be different again) & it hasn't worked so well for you it seems...
Where were the true friends, where was your joy in music to drag you out of your black moods when you needed it?
Chased away as being "unsuitable", I suspect...

Now love your parents as they deserve to be loved for trying to do their best for you BUT STOP BEING A BLOOMING DOORMAT & live your own life & look to the family you've created with your wife!!!!

Virtual hugs

heartbreak_star

I'm so glad the rest of you are more eloquent and less blunt than me.

HBS x

maman

Goldiegirl wrote: »

You could go out there and earn the money to pay for it, and get back into the city/corporate lifestyle. But everything you've said tells us that you are not cut out for that working life - and there's no shame in that.

AlexLK wrote: »

Isn't there? Well, I'm ashamed of myself. I didn't quite make it, did I? The world tells me "it's alright, there's nothing to be ashamed of" in that little awkward voice, along with a "never mind it must be nice to spend all that time at home" *slight sneer*, as they thank God it was not them who fell.

If I've got this right Alex, the 'fell' was falling ill. You didn't give up your previous job just to choose an easy option but because your mental health was suffering and still is. It seems your parents and MrsK are in the 'pull yourself together and get a proper job' mindset which shows incredible ignorance of mental health issues and is so unfair on you. I do a lot of work with people in your previous situation, and while I try and help them with their work issues I always tell them that their health has to be the highest priority.

MollyMischief wrote: »

You're missing the point Alex....these days it's hard to tell who's poor and who's not!!! Look at you, for example, you have nice shirts in the wardrobe, watches etc but are you actually wealthy??? Um, NO!!! Who's to say that someone perceived as being rich/better off than you actually is?? It's just stuff.....inherited? bought on a credit card? owned? loaned? who can tell, and frankly, if you've got time to care then you have too much time on your hands!!

This reminds me of when I was in a multi-car shunt on the M3 a few years ago. I was the only one who owned my own car!

Alex, I do think we all go in for stereotyping and making snap decisions about people but that doesn't make it right. I think, having met a few 'real' people through the nursery you're starting to change. I prefer to view stereotyping as judging behaviours rather than particular individuals themselves. You need to get to know people before you can make decisions like that. For example, I hate the principle of people choosing to live on benefits as a lifestyle choice. I know people like that and I certainly don't admire them. Similarly I know people who have to top up their income with tax credits and other benefits because some unscrupulous employers pay such appalling wages and some private landlords charge exorbitant rents.

Mara_uk7

heartbreak_star wrote: »

I'm so glad the rest of you are more eloquent and less blunt than me.

HBS x

And me too :T

Emmala

AlexLK wrote: »

HBS: I never said my "friends" are "real friends", did I? As for my parents, I have disappointed them and to be honest, they have every right to be disappointed. I'd be disappointed of me. However, there are some things that are good, if only I could forget about what society perceives to be successful.

Molly: No, I cannot tell. However, I do not wish to be thought of as "poor".

Going by your own standards you seem to have quite the superiority complex yourself.

No, I don't have a superiority complex but yes, I do have standards. What I don't do is make judgements about people in terms of their 'wealth', for example I don't mind who my kids make friends with based on their family's income or 'class' as to me it's about how they are brought up, such as having good manners. Like I said before, these days you can't tell who has real wealth anymore anyway, as cars, clothes and other 'status symbols' no longer have to be bought outright, but may be acquired through credit (and of course, their 'owners' being in debt). Being wealthy doesn't mean being better, I'd much rather my kids were friends with polite, kind, thoughtful respectful kids who might live in the depths of the local estate than rude, disrespectful bad mannered kids from the poshest street in town. But, ultimately they will make their own friends anyway and generally I think kids are drawn to kids like themselves (again, not income based but shared interests and sense of humour, that kind of thing).


Like others have said on here, try to focus on your true 'wealth'....you have a wife who is sticking by you, a little boy who loves you unconditionally (even if you can't believe you're worth it) and you have food in the fridge and a roof over your head. You're making inroads into the debt you have, and you have carved yourself out a new path in life which will help to protect your health.


If you really feel that you want a lifestyle beyond your (current) means, than why not spend some time planning how this can be achievable once you're debt free? For example, if watches are important to you and you feel that having them is important to 'look' wealthy, then plan to have one or two. But no more....use the money from selling the others/not buying anymore to fund another element you feel compelled to have. No-one is saying you can't have these things, you just can't have them NOW. So go ahead and dream of your astin martin (?) and instead of feeling less worthy for not having one, start planning ahead to own one WHEN YOU CAN AFFORD IT. You can only drive one car at a time, so what would you rather have? One (admittedly, very expensive car) or three or four less so expensive cars? Does that make sense?

heartbreak_star

All five, knowing our Alex

HBS x