Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

Iwillsucceed_2

Hello Alex! I hope you will have a fruitful week!!

Money will never buy happiness ! Happiness isn't things, happiness isn't castles, happiness isn't cars, happiness isn't holidays!, happiness isn't silver or gold!
HAPPINESS it's a CHOICE!
Happiness is found in your child's smile, in the stranger's, in the bit of moment you appear content and you wished it lasted for ever!
Happiness, happiness, seems to be chased, seems to be look for, but happiness inside you resides! :-)

Happy Tuesday!!

AlexLK

Thank you all, I shall reply later. Had a busy and eventful day.

AlexLK

Domayne wrote: »

There's always hope as long as your alive!
When you realize your slipping - you just need to find ways of counter acting it...I like to go for a loooong walk or have a really hot bubble bath, call my best friend who talks me straight, start baking a cake, read a book, come online...find things that make you happy, stay away from negative people and just focus on what YOU want from life - Not what others expect from you and you'll be alright

I really do hope you are right.

When I first started my diary I had to find ways to stop spending money, happened to be walks, "exploring" our land / neighbours with son and having Landy picnics. Looking back to last year, the highlights of 2013 seem to be my son's birthday party and a surprise Landy picnic I made for my wife. Considering we started the year (2013) in the Caribbean, that kind of shocked me.

7roland8 wrote: »

Gosh Alex - look at your signature and see how much you have cleared of your debt - how marvelous.

Having too much time to think is only bad if you focus on the negative stuff - no one says a Buddist has too much time when he spends it meditating.

Sorry to say I too think that the seeds of any problem usually develop in childhood so you cannot divorce your problems form your parents. Isn't there that famous quote - give me a child till he is 7 and I will show you the man?

Not saying anyone does things deliberately - but we are all products of our upbringings - even your parents.

We all try to do better for our children than our own parents did - but they can often have been damaged themselves by their own parents.

Thank you, Roland. I have to admit I do not want to stop until I've cleared the debt because I'm OVER half way there.

Unfortunately, I cannot do better for my son than me parents did for me.

debtfreewannabe321 wrote: »

Hi Alex, I think Flacosfloozie sums it up for me, good replies. Stop being down on yourself please. I'm amazed at how well you've done. I think you need to be kinder to yourself and stop being woe is me so much, I should know as I do this far too often myself You're doing great, concentrate on the positives and the negatives will slip into the background slowly but surely. I couldn't handle a high-flying career, I was on the path once for it when I landed a great job many years ago but it wasn't for me as it's not for you (by the sounds of it) I left as you did yours. Everyone is different and everyone is destined to go their own path, not that of their parents or where their parents want them to go. I hope you have a good day :grouphug: there's a dodgy hug too

Thank you. I'm not sure if I've had a good day or not, a tiring, thought filled one, yes.

There are times I think I've done the right thing and others where I only think I have betrayed my family.

AlexLK

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Pull the other one, it's got bells on.

IMHO, they are the absolute root cause and continued perpetuation of your depression...maybe not as people per se but they've indulged you, spoiled you and given you an unrealistic expectation of what they want in return, as well as you having a distorted view of them and how they should fit into your world.

They are keeping you in a place where you're incredibly unkind to yourself and unfair to yourself, your wife and child, and your in-laws.

Gosh, that was rather philosophical for a Tuesday.

But seriously, you need to talk to your counsellor about your parents, your relationship with them, and how that relates to Mrs K and Little K.

The above poster is right. Little K is ALWAYS watching and listening, and I think you try to please your parents more than the family you have created.

HBS x

Sorry I do not feel able to respond to this message at this moment in time. However, the one thing I can say is I would not set out place my parents' happiness over that of my son. He is always watching and listening, I'll agree there; I know all parents say this but he's a clever little boy for his age.

Goldiegirl wrote: »

I think there's lots of people out there who are the same - me included!


I spent my 20's striving for the top - and when I got my promotion at age 30 I hated it, and it made me very unhappy.


So, after a lot of soul searching, I decided to step down in to a role that I had always enjoyed


Did I feel ashamed, or that I had let my parents down?


No I didn't, I felt happy and relieved. Money was tight for a few years, as we'd taken on a large new mortgage based on my higher salary, but we survived.


My husband was happier, because I was easier to live with, and as for my parents, well they weren't bothered what I was doing, as long as I was happy, what with me being a grown adult of 30 leading my own life.


I never once felt anyone was sneering at me because of my decision, or gave the impression they thought I was inferior because of my choice.


And Alex - I don't want to hear anything about it 'being 'different for a woman' or 'different because you went to a fee paying school'. The 1950's are gone. in 2014 we are all free to make our choices ( as we were in 1990 when I made my choice). Anybody who makes you feel inferior really isn't worth bothering with, and you should drop them from your life.


EDIT - I think your parents probably make you feel inferior, but you can't really drop them from you life! But I think the key to it all is your relationship with your parents. If you carry on with the counselling, I think that's the area to concentrate on

I had you down as one of the "successful ones" to be honest.

When I first left my job I was very relieved too. I also really enjoy working for myself when I can put my mind to it.

Granariesgirl wrote: »

:T Brilliant, eloquent & NOT the thoughts & words of a worthless, hopeless person! :T

I have to say though that I totally agree with Mara_uk7, Mint1955, Domayne et al. Nature is not the only ingredient, nor even the principal ingredient in the stew of your problems: nurture is the by far the biggest part!

This doesn't mean your parents are vicious evil people bent on destroying their son's life by devious & convoluted means that would make even Moriarty blink! They did what they thought was best (& might have been fine for them & perfect for their personalities): keeping you away from "unsuitable" people, giving you everything they never had, paying for an expensive public school to give you a "leg up" in society... BUT you are NOT a carbon copy of your parents & your personality is different (just as Little K will be different again) & it hasn't worked so well for you it seems...
Where were the true friends, where was your joy in music to drag you out of your black moods when you needed it?
Chased away as being "unsuitable", I suspect...

Now love your parents as they deserve to be loved for trying to do their best for you BUT STOP BEING A BLOOMING DOORMAT & live your own life & look to the family you've created with your wife!!!!

Virtual hugs

Thank you. "Unsuitable" has perhaps been the story of my childhood, to be honest I let my son get away with quite a bit more than I ever did. Sorry I can say little else.

Goldiegirl

AlexLK wrote: »

I had you down as one of the "successful ones" to be honest.

When I first left my job I was very relieved too. I also really enjoy working for myself when I can put my mind to it.



.

The thing is, I feel as if I'm successful, as I feel happy in my life and comfortable in my own skin. I feel that's far more important than career achievements or material things.

AlexLK

maman wrote: »

If I've got this right Alex, the 'fell' was falling ill. You didn't give up your previous job just to choose an easy option but because your mental health was suffering and still is. It seems your parents and MrsK are in the 'pull yourself together and get a proper job' mindset which shows incredible ignorance of mental health issues and is so unfair on you. I do a lot of work with people in your previous situation, and while I try and help them with their work issues I always tell them that their health has to be the highest priority.

Yes, I attempted suicide.

My wife and parents are not weak like me and to be honest I think they cannot comprehend why I did what I did in the first place nor why I'm like this now. I was ill before landing myself in hospital, even if I tried to deny it.

Are you a doctor?

maman wrote: »

This reminds me of when I was in a multi-car shunt on the M3 a few years ago. I was the only one who owned my own car!

:rotfl: Funny you should say that, the other day I felt rather pleased that for the first time in a long time I've got nothing other than my previous debts on credit. It's a rather nice feeling paying for things in cash rather than worrying about whether the money is going to be in the account or not.

maman wrote: »

Alex, I do think we all go in for stereotyping and making snap decisions about people but that doesn't make it right. I think, having met a few 'real' people through the nursery you're starting to change. I prefer to view stereotyping as judging behaviours rather than particular individuals themselves. You need to get to know people before you can make decisions like that. For example, I hate the principle of people choosing to live on benefits as a lifestyle choice. I know people like that and I certainly don't admire them. Similarly I know people who have to top up their income with tax credits and other benefits because some unscrupulous employers pay such appalling wages and some private landlords charge exorbitant rents.

Thank you and I can say I understand this yet wouldn't have been able to a few months back. Learning something.

MollyMischief wrote: »

No, I don't have a superiority complex but yes, I do have standards. What I don't do is make judgements about people in terms of their 'wealth', for example I don't mind who my kids make friends with based on their family's income or 'class' as to me it's about how they are brought up, such as having good manners. Like I said before, these days you can't tell who has real wealth anymore anyway, as cars, clothes and other 'status symbols' no longer have to be bought outright, but may be acquired through credit (and of course, their 'owners' being in debt). Being wealthy doesn't mean being better, I'd much rather my kids were friends with polite, kind, thoughtful respectful kids who might live in the depths of the local estate than rude, disrespectful bad mannered kids from the poshest street in town. But, ultimately they will make their own friends anyway and generally I think kids are drawn to kids like themselves (again, not income based but shared interests and sense of humour, that kind of thing).


Like others have said on here, try to focus on your true 'wealth'....you have a wife who is sticking by you, a little boy who loves you unconditionally (even if you can't believe you're worth it) and you have food in the fridge and a roof over your head. You're making inroads into the debt you have, and you have carved yourself out a new path in life which will help to protect your health.


If you really feel that you want a lifestyle beyond your (current) means, than why not spend some time planning how this can be achievable once you're debt free? For example, if watches are important to you and you feel that having them is important to 'look' wealthy, then plan to have one or two. But no more....use the money from selling the others/not buying anymore to fund another element you feel compelled to have. No-one is saying you can't have these things, you just can't have them NOW. So go ahead and dream of your astin martin (?) and instead of feeling less worthy for not having one, start planning ahead to own one WHEN YOU CAN AFFORD IT. You can only drive one car at a time, so what would you rather have? One (admittedly, very expensive car) or three or four less so expensive cars? Does that make sense?

Molly, I hope you will accept my apology for my words yesterday. I cannot say I'm pleased with myself. Thank you for your response. I do hope one day I can turn things around and begin to see the positives.

heartbreak_star wrote: »

All five, knowing our Alex

HBS x

:rotfl: Well, you don't ask ... . Seriously, I don't really know what I want, perhaps that's some of the problem.

AlexLK

Iwillsucceed wrote: »

Hello Alex! I hope you will have a fruitful week!!

Money will never buy happiness ! Happiness isn't things, happiness isn't castles, happiness isn't cars, happiness isn't holidays!, happiness isn't silver or gold!
HAPPINESS it's a CHOICE!
Happiness is found in your child's smile, in the stranger's, in the bit of moment you appear content and you wished it lasted for ever!
Happiness, happiness, seems to be chased, seems to be look for, but happiness inside you resides! :-)

Happy Tuesday!!

Thank you. There are people much worse off than I who are content, hopefully one day I will come to not define myself by mere "things".

Goldiegirl wrote: »

The thing is, I feel as if I'm successful, as I feel happy in my life and comfortable in my own skin. I feel that's far more important than career achievements or material things.

As much as this will surprise you, I actually agree. The former just never seemed possible for me, hence chasing the latter so much.

Domayne

AlexLK wrote: »

I really do hope you are right.

When I first started my diary I had to find ways to stop spending money, happened to be walks, "exploring" our land / neighbours with son and having Landy picnics. Looking back to last year, the highlights of 2013 seem to be my son's birthday party and a surprise Landy picnic I made for my wife. Considering we started the year (2013) in the Caribbean, that kind of shocked me.

I really believe that if you WANT to be happy - you can be. Happiness is a state of mind but it's something you really have to work at when your inclined to self hatred and loathing, it takes a real amount of willpower to stop these thoughts I know - being miserable and negative is easier because it takes no effort on your part and resolves you of responsibility for the choices you make but the longer you wallow in self pity, the harder it is to get out of it...I don't know you and honestly, I haven't read this whole thread but you seem like a genuinely nice guy who is trying his best given his circumstances but you HAVE come a long way in a short amount of time and you have a lovely little boy from the sounds of things...you need to focus on the good things in your life like these, and stop focusing on the negative people who bring you down and putting on a 'show' for people with your 'stuff' If there are things you don't like about yourself - CHANGE THEM!
Something or someone is ALWAYS going to try and get in the way and stop your progress - don't let it! Just focus on the positives in your life - It's amazing how YOUR attitude can also have an impact on the people around you. If going out to the park with your family and going for picnics make you happy, do it more often! It really is the simple pleasures in life and YOU have the power to change things for the better or worse - nobody else, unless you want to let them.

AlexLK wrote: »

Yes, I attempted suicide.
My wife and parents are not weak like me and to be honest I think they cannot comprehend why I did what I did in the first place nor why I'm like this now. I was ill before landing myself in hospital, even if I tried to deny it.

I know this quote wasn't directed at me, but - I also tried to commit suicide back in 2006 and my mum had me sectioned for my efforts, She didn't understand either...tbh, looking back now I don't really understand it either because no matter how bad life gets...there's always someone who is worse off and you HAVE got something to live for - your son! Your not weak Alex, you've just been led to believe you are or you have let yourself believe that, but you came here and asked for help, you've made a valiant attempt at fixing the problems you have...that's not a sign of weakness. There's nothing wrong with failing in life - It's what you do when you fail that's more telling...what do you do when you fall over? YOU GET THE HELL BACK UP!!! Stop feeling sorry for yourself, focus on the good things you DO have, try and make things better that your not happy with and get rid of people who make you feel bad/worthless/weak etc

heartbreak_star

AlexLK wrote: »

Yes, I attempted suicide.

My wife and parents are not weak like me and to be honest I think they cannot comprehend why I did what I did in the first place nor why I'm like this now. I was ill before landing myself in hospital, even if I tried to deny it.

Are you a doctor?



:rotfl: Funny you should say that, the other day I felt rather pleased that for the first time in a long time I've got nothing other than my previous debts on credit. It's a rather nice feeling paying for things in cash rather than worrying about whether the money is going to be in the account or not.



Thank you and I can say I understand this yet wouldn't have been able to a few months back. Learning something.



Molly, I hope you will accept my apology for my words yesterday. I cannot say I'm pleased with myself. Thank you for your response. I do hope one day I can turn things around and begin to see the positives.



:rotfl: Well, you don't ask ... . Seriously, I don't really know what I want, perhaps that's some of the problem.

You know what? This is an awesome post. You've opened up a bit, found something positive and even had a chuckle at me I like!

EDIT: Except for the bit where you call yourself weak *stern glare*!

HBS x

Emmala

No need to apologise Alex, but thank you anyway!
Molly xx