Mr and Mrs K's New Journey to a Debt Free Life.

Emmala

Molly: It does sound as if you are in a bit of a pickle. Not sure why you are in a TA role when you are (I presume) a fully qualified teacher? Still, hindsight is a wonderful thing, plenty of things I would not have done in the past had I been able to predict my future. Can I go back to 1998, please and put it all right?

:rotfl: Things are not quite that bad between the in-laws and I!


I got a job at the kids school, so I take them in the morning and bring them home after school - no childcare costs! Kids club for the three of them is £178 a week!!! So, for now, I don't have any of the pressure/planning/marking/paperwork of teaching, but all the benefits of working in a class and getting to know the kids, plus the fact that me going from being SAHM to working every day hasn't impacted on the kids at all (mine) - they haven't had to give up any clubs or similar, so little impact on them (aside from the impact of our financial situation, that is!)


I know I could earn more teaching, but this a temp contract until July initially, so if Mr Molly gets a job before then I can stay longer if they want me, or if he's still out of work I will look for a teaching post. Trouble is, deep down, I'm not ready to lose my time with my own kids, selfish I know, but one of the reasons I left teaching when I did was because I wanted to give my energy to my kids not other people's!! It's all about options at this point, and as DH's field is scientific research and sales, he may end up with another job that takes him abroad a lot, which means he's not around to help running the kids about (DS1 swims five times a week, for example) so as long as I'm a TA, family life can continue as normal......except without much money!!!

AlexLK

MollyMischief wrote: »

I got a job at the kids school, so I take them in the morning and bring them home after school - no childcare costs! Kids club for the three of them is £178 a week!!! So, for now, I don't have any of the pressure/planning/marking/paperwork of teaching, but all the benefits of working in a class and getting to know the kids, plus the fact that me going from being SAHM to working every day hasn't impacted on the kids at all (mine) - they haven't had to give up any clubs or similar, so little impact on them (aside from the impact of our financial situation, that is!)

I know I could earn more teaching, but this a temp contract until July initially, so if Mr Molly gets a job before then I can stay longer if they want me, or if he's still out of work I will look for a teaching post. Trouble is, deep down, I'm not ready to lose my time with my own kids, selfish I know, but one of the reasons I left teaching when I did was because I wanted to give my energy to my kids not other people's!! It's all about options at this point, and as DH's field is scientific research and sales, he may end up with another job that takes him abroad a lot, which means he's not around to help running the kids about (DS1 swims five times a week, for example) so as long as I'm a TA, family life can continue as normal......except without much money!!!

I hope you didn't think I was judging you. In all honesty, if (god forbid) Mrs. K. lost her job, I couldn't go back to working full time either, I'm far too used to being self employed. We'd probably end up asking my parents to pay our mortgage, again.

Mr. Molly's field sounds interesting, can't say I'd enjoy all the travel and selfishly I'd prefer if my wife doesn't end up with a job like that either (she'd be paid much more to work abroad and is looking for a new position).

Emmala

No, I didn't think you were judging me don't worry. It's surprising how many teachers are 'downsizing' to being a TA actually, the pressure on teachers now is incredible, and I'd never judge anyone who chose to leave teaching, as while it can be the most amazing job in the world, it can also be one of the hardest (and it's not just down to the kids, some schools are very hard places to work in and morale can be very, very low, and support non-existent!).


Funnily enough, the only time I've felt judged has been during my time as a full time mother!!! Amazing how so many people feel they can comment about the decision to raise your own child (yes, I know working parents are raising their own children too, but there's a lot of spite out there for stay at home parents too). It's as if people can't understand why you would choose to leave a career to 'watch daytime TV all day'......seeing as that's what they think we do!!! Certainly, it's part of this status driven society we live in these days.....we've noticed a shift in attitude towards us now DHs top of the range BMW (company) car has gone, and people know he's out of work. Just because he had a good job, doesn't mean he's a different person now he's unemployed. Certainly find our who your friends are!!

7roland8

AlexLK wrote: »

To be honest Christmas at mine wouldn't work, we are expected to go to my parents', besides, most of his presents are there anyway.

Well its good to plan ahead but don't think I'd discus Xmas arrangements for next year on Christmas day before thinking about the ramifications. Also there's no reason why Xmas cannot work anywhere - think how other people manage.

Oh lordy - so you are 'expected' to be with your parents - yikes - you are a married man now with a mind f your own.

Usuaully when people have a family of their own the grandparents move up the family tree and take more of a back seat in proceedings - its not your responsibility if they don't have many friends - would you want your little son fretting over you in years to come? I am always happy for my boys to be where ever they want to be and would hate to have them here as a 'duty'.

And I would think little K's stuff should be at home - even if its smaller - otherwise you are handing over your role to someone else in a way.

Sorry to be mentioning this but you did bring it up!

AlexLK

MollyMischief wrote: »

No, I didn't think you were judging me don't worry. It's surprising how many teachers are 'downsizing' to being a TA actually, the pressure on teachers now is incredible, and I'd never judge anyone who chose to leave teaching, as while it can be the most amazing job in the world, it can also be one of the hardest (and it's not just down to the kids, some schools are very hard places to work in and morale can be very, very low, and support non-existent!).

I can imagine teaching on a full time scale being very stressful, my music pupils are difficult enough. Very rewarding when they make progress but still difficult.

MollyMischief wrote: »

Funnily enough, the only time I've felt judged has been during my time as a full time mother!!! Amazing how so many people feel they can comment about the decision to raise your own child (yes, I know working parents are raising their own children too, but there's a lot of spite out there for stay at home parents too). It's as if people can't understand why you would choose to leave a career to 'watch daytime TV all day'......seeing as that's what they think we do!!! Certainly, it's part of this status driven society we live in these days.....we've noticed a shift in attitude towards us now DHs top of the range BMW (company) car has gone, and people know he's out of work. Just because he had a good job, doesn't mean he's a different person now he's unemployed. Certainly find our who your friends are!!

Unfortunately, I've been at the receiving end of this type of attitude from far too many people when I could no longer work. The worst thing was everybody knew why and almost instantly stopped talking to me, not that I cared at the time. Still judged by the rest of society for various things, it appears I'm useless no matter what direction I turn now.

7roland8 wrote: »

Well its good to plan ahead but don't think I'd discus Xmas arrangements for next year on Christmas day before thinking about the ramifications. Also there's no reason why Xmas cannot work anywhere - think how other people manage.

Oh lordy - so you are 'expected' to be with your parents - yikes - you are a married man now with a mind f your own.

Usuaully when people have a family of their own the grandparents move up the family tree and take more of a back seat in proceedings - its not your responsibility if they don't have many friends - would you want your little son fretting over you in years to come? I am always happy for my boys to be where ever they want to be and would hate to have them here as a 'duty'.

And I would think little K's stuff should be at home - even if its smaller - otherwise you are handing over your role to someone else in a way.

Sorry to be mentioning this but you did bring it up!

Well, I've spoken to him, almost ended in an argument again.

I suppose it was rather early, the idea popped into my head and I thought it would go down well, realise that wasn't the case now!

That's how it's always been in my family; in the years my parents and I did not speak my main motivator not to at least try was the fact they have very clear expectations of me. Failing them in many ways, I know now that I've at least got to try and pay them back somehow.

Son's things are at home, I meant on Christmas day my parents have bought him far more things than we had or could afford, so most of his presents are there. We bring his toys home after, well some. He's got his own room and playroom at my parents', better than his bedroom here, of course.

Emmala

7roland8 wrote: »

Well its good to plan ahead but don't think I'd discus Xmas arrangements for next year on Christmas day before thinking about the ramifications. Also there's no reason why Xmas cannot work anywhere - think how other people manage.

Oh lordy - so you are 'expected' to be with your parents - yikes - you are a married man now with a mind f your own.

Usuaully when people have a family of their own the grandparents move up the family tree and take more of a back seat in proceedings - its not your responsibility if they don't have many friends - would you want your little son fretting over you in years to come? I am always happy for my boys to be where ever they want to be and would hate to have them here as a 'duty'.

And I would think little K's stuff should be at home - even if its smaller - otherwise you are handing over your role to someone else in a way.

Sorry to be mentioning this but you did bring it up!

Wise words, I agree.


We only live close to my parents but Christmas for us is as follows....


Christmas Eve we have our Christmas dinner in the evening, just the five of us.
Christmas Day we stay at home but go to my mum's for tea.
Boxing Day my family come to us for a big buffet late afternoon.


It spreads the celebrations for us, and frankly, is easier as we have the biggest house and it's so much easier for our kids to be at home (ie putting them down for naps as babies/getting them to bed/less squabbling in someone else's house when they get fed up.....)


So where do the in-laws fit in???? Um, they don't really and I don't feel bad as they've brought it on themselves over the years. We usually go for a couple of days but it's weather/illness dependent (seven hours in the car with kids is not fun!). Having said that, because we've never (wanted) to live near them, they aren't used to us popping round anyway, it's usually an easter holiday visit, week in the summer and xmas if we can.


My SIL is coming tomorrow though and she's the only one DH and I love.....as do my kids who worship her!!! Before you all think I'm being mean, when DH spoke to her recently to find out her plans to come over and stay she said 'do you want me to organised the oldies or shall I tell them they can't come?'...... it's not just me, honest!!!!!


My point is that as a family unit you must do what works for you, and while it's nice for the grandparents to see their grandchildren on xmas day, it's not the be all and end all, as long as they don't feel left out on purpose they should respect your wishes. Why don't you think about a compromise and starting sowing the seeds of rebellion after the new year????!!!!! Give them the year to get used to the idea rather than springing it on them????? ooh....or go away for Xmas!!! (not very MSE I admit, but worth every penny by the sound of it.......)

AlexLK

Molly: Thank you.

I ought to admit we're very close to my parents now. They are not getting younger in years (mother - 72, father - 78) and I've no plans to leave them on their own at Christmas.

Emmala

Our posts crossed!


You are not useless, so stop saying so!!!


Don't believe that the room at your parents is better.....your son is exactly that, YOURS (and Mrs K's!!) and the love you give him and the warmth of his own home will trump any material offering at your parents, even though they love him and he will love them and (I assume) enjoying spending time with them, there is no place like home.

Emmala

AlexLK wrote: »

Molly: Thank you.

I ought to admit we're very close to my parents now. They are not getting younger in years (mother - 72, father - 78) and I've no plans to leave them on their own at Christmas.

You don't have to leave them alone......just include them without bending to their will! You need to talk to Mrs K about what you both want, and then take it from there. Maybe just to tea or dinner with them but not both? Or stay over xmas eve so they can see your son open his presents and go back to yours after lunch??? There are options, is all I'm saying.


I understand your situation though, my parents are also in their 70s, and while I wouldn't deliberately leave them alone, I know they wouldn't be traumatised if that's how it worked out one year (but with all due respect, I like my parents more than you seem to like yours!!)

AlexLK

MollyMischief wrote: »

Our posts crossed!

You are not useless, so stop saying so!!!

Don't believe that the room at your parents is better.....your son is exactly that, YOURS (and Mrs K's!!) and the love you give him and the warmth of his own home will trump any material offering at your parents, even though they love him and he will love them and (I assume) enjoying spending time with them, there is no place like home.

LOL, indeed! I've been wanting to do a house swap (it costs them a fortune in having cleaners and gardeners round, I'd quite happily look after the place myself) with my parents for a couple of years now, would love to go back "home", only with my name on the deeds.:rotfl:

MollyMischief wrote: »

You don't have to leave them alone......just include them without bending to their will! You need to talk to Mrs K about what you both want, and then take it from there. Maybe just to tea or dinner with them but not both? Or stay over xmas eve so they can see your son open his presents and go back to yours after lunch??? There are options, is all I'm saying.

I understand your situation though, my parents are also in their 70s, and while I wouldn't deliberately leave them alone, I know they wouldn't be traumatised if that's how it worked out one year (but with all due respect, I like my parents more than you seem to like yours!!)

I spend half my life bending to their will.

Not quite sure how to take the last sentence, the main reason I was estranged from them in my twenties was more down to me losing their money than anything.