This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

Watty1

The cleaner/cleaning was wonderful. The house smelt of polish (usually i hate the smell but it was ok) and the place was so clean i could actually see bits she had missed.    

Ex solicitor on holiday so no progress for 2 weeks but I think all is in place to "go" now.    Went to the doctors to pick up meds and for some reason they have only supplied a week's worth rather than a months. Didn't notice until I got home.   Driving home I saw a car the same as ex car sitting in layby and had a meltdown. It was being driven by a very dithery lady, possibly lost which is why she was just sitting there.  I realised it was not him, shook myself down and pulled out into a stream of traffic. Thankfully they avoided me but what a palava.

Watty1

And to answer curious minds (smile) the VNM is still a VNM man.   He is cooking me dinner this evening

Watty1

Went out yesterday to a local historic Tractor Event.  Had two free tickets via my Agricultural Society and so took the VNM and WattyDog.   There was a charity dog show and Wattydog won Most Handsome Dog so now Most Handsome pony has competition in the most handsomest stakes (personally think pony gets to keep his title.

WattyDog won himself a tennis ball, squeaky toy and a large bono style biscuit and we had a lovely time looking at old machinery and old cars and "similar stuff".  To celebrate WattyDog win WattyDog had a small tub of whipped cream with peanut butter from a dog treat stall and I had a glass of fizz. My first and only one of the week.  We took the "treats" to sit by the band on the grass and whilst sitting there I was tapped on the shoulder by the ex.   I was astonished, thrown and lost for words.  The VNM asked if I wanted to leave but I couldn't even work out what to do  I was so thrown.  My instinct was to sit and chat nicely but I actually didn't say anything at all.   Ex made a big fuss of the dog and then left.  He looked old, sad tired, and shambolic and he was clearly on his own.  As he walked away I had so many mixed emotions. I felt so sad for him.  I wanted him to sit on the ground and enjoy the dog, the band and my company like he had so many years before. I wished all that had happened had never happened.

But  it has. I finished my fizz, then suggested we would go and see a friend of VNM who was there with a historic car. Friend was no where to be seen but the VNM spotted the ex and as the event was quite small, he suggested we leave as we would just be looking out for the ex.  so leave we did. it was only a couple of hours before the end of the event so I don't think it spoilt the day  but it has left me very rattled and very discombobulated.  

I never really wanted all this to happen. I had hoped to save the relationship and it saddens me still the way things went.   I hated seeing him sad and alone.  I know he misses WattyDog.  And given all that i feel quite unsettled today,


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Humdinger1

@Watty1 totally understandable.  But please remember what he put you through; that he lied over and over including in court; and never prioritised you or your relationship.   I know he has mental health issues; that doesn't excuse how he behaved.  You deserve better and have it.  Not gloating, but he has brought this on himself.   When's your next counselling appointment? If not in the diary, I'd book it. Please don't undermine your hard-won security.   I speak from experience when I say that counselling showed me that I was in love with the relationship I thought I had with my ex; perhaps I did at the start but he changed and I found it very hard to let go of the fantasy.   Managed it in the end and so will you.  Love Humdinger xx 

MFWannabe

Humdinger has summed it up really well 
You must remember the person he has been over the last couple of years; you need to put the person he was before firmly out of your mind; he has long gone 
if you don’t you’ll risk what you have now and your future for someone who is not the same person and who doesn’t care about you which you have seen time and time again 

daisy_1571

I can only agree with the above comments.  It must have been discombobulating, the fact he approached you unseen so you had no time to prepare however maybe best as time to prepare might have been worse.   

Yes its sad seeing him that way however its all his own making.   You didn't start an affair, you didn't start planning another life whilst saying nothing to your partner letting them keep planning for a better future for you both, you didn't tell blatant lies to lawyers and courts about who owned what, you didn't hang on to disrupting your previous partners life whilst also trying to keep a new relationship going, you didn't try to gain the best of both worlds regarding telling authority where you lived, you didn't deliberately and with malice aforethought steal your partner's overpayment money whilst keeping your own money knowing you were stealing their pension and future plans, you didn't muck wattydog about appearing and disappearing at random.   I could go on but you know it all.   The fact he actually told you he knew what he was doing but decided he would go all out for himself completely uncaring that he was leaving you financially vulnerable.   Ugh.

On the positive - thats the first meeting over.  You survived.   It was all fine.  Clearly you are a nice person as your first instant isn't to want to gloat that how you treat other people will at some point show - you were treated abysmally but are turning it around based on YOUR efforts.  Sadly he treated people in his life abysmally and at the point you saw him he looked a bit pathetic.   That doesn't mean he always will be.  Tonight he might be all gussied up out somewhere having a great time.  None of your business any more.  How you are doing is none of his business any more.  Please don't drag vnm into endless discussions about how this or how that.  Focus on your now.

Sleep tight, positive thoughts for tomorrow 

Daisy xx

Karmacat

The commenters have said it, Watty.  And I'd add one extra thing: even though your instinct was to "play nice", you stayed quiet when he surprised you.  I think that was absolutely the best thing you could have done, if you'd planned it!  You didn't get drawn in, you didn't engage, he was left with no way to trip you up - and I'm betting he wanted one, because thats been what he's been trying to do for these last years.  You did great. 

Of course you need to acknowledge your feelings of sadness and regret, and so do we - but I honestly believe they shouldn't lead to rapprochement with him.  A distant nod to a man now a stranger, who undermined you and took advantage of you.  But your new life is built on a solid basis that you've constructed yourself, along with the relationships that supported you and helped you start to blossom.  You're on a lovely course, stay on it!

Watty1

What a sensible set of comments.  Thank you all four for commenting.  You have, as always, been more helpful than you could ever know.  You are all so right. I have only that glimpse of his life for 5 minutes and i need to balance that against the past.

@Humdinger1 is  correct, i grieve a fantasy relationship. I might have had that at the beginning but somewhere along the many years together it got lost and it has been hard to adjust to that.   I still have the fantasy lingering in there somewhere.  

Continuing with the counselling but really so appreciate the comments here.

Suffolk_lass

Well done @Watty1. I would have had to get up, walk away and thrown up. i know this because it has happened to me. Many years ago but it brings it back. Staying silent was absolutely the right response. Well done to VNM too.

Watty1

Thank you @Suffolk_lass

I have lost a key ring with the back gate, back door and french windows keys.  So, I looked in every pocket of every coat I have (too many).   The keys are nowhere to be seen but I also noticed I had lost a pair of riding jods.   This particular pair have a great pocket with a popper and i often have the keys in it when i ride.   I cannot find them anywhere.

The process of looking made me think.  When I lived in my lovely rental I had so much less "stuff" because I only took there what I really wanted.  Having the house back comes with all the "stuff".   I have no idea where the keys are but they are probably in the house somewhere.    So once again I am motivated to declutter.    This morning I emptied a cupboard and found that I will (a) never need to buy hand soap again I'm sure and (b) found 5 tubes of toothpaste that were partly used.  I threw away one as when i used it this morning it tasted weird.  I emptied mini pots of shampoo and bath gel into the hand wash liquid container along with a partly used pot of shampoo.  The goal is only one item a day o/wise overwhelm will settle but I'm off to a good start.