This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

Watty1

@badmemory I'm so sorry you went through that but for some reason it made me smile.  There is a lot of us that have had "exs gone bad" but we all will survive.

@Humdinger1 I so hope you are right.  The comments of the planners on "the project" will help me decide on next move.  It has taken a while to get to this point but I feel I have prepped it really well and done all I can. It just depends on the planning department now.  The planning consultant feels we are within the rules, the architect can see no reason why we should not be allowed to go ahead so fingers crossed.   If they say it is viable I will offer the ex more money to complete.  If planning are definite it is a no go then I will at some point take action to force the sale of the house legally.  (although I might just run a few of his solicitor bills up for him before doing that, If I am honest I am still smirking at the bill he will get over that overdraft)

Alchemilla

Watty1 said:

i have just chatted with a friend living in a refuge and she has given me some good ideas.   I will be following up on those.    She was really helpful.  

My day did not exactly go to plan!  I have spent most of it working but not profitably at all.  The mail strike has really hit the business.  Had to refund an order that had not arrived.  Chased up a lot of other orders.  Another few have gone missing it seems, including one sent with a reputable courier.  Very frustrating

Was planning a nice evening with the VNM but his mother is having trouble breathing so he has gone to look after her.  She refuses medical help at all which is worrying. I offered to go around and take my GP pal with me and see if GP Pal can persuade the stubborn woman to see someone but that has been declined.     She had a very bad cold and chest infection and has antibiotics so I am hoping this will pass but the VNM's daughter called in and was really distressed by her grandmother so VNM to the rescue.  

I know I will get old one day, some may indeed say I am old now LOL but I will try not to cause trouble for those trying to help. I'm worried as a few years ago a good friend died from refusing medical help when she had bronchitis and that got out of hand.   

I don't know what a non-medic can to to help with breathing problems. Difficult one. 

Watty1

VNM  mother update:   on the pretence of needing oxygen he got her to the doctor.   I don't think she will be duped again Doctor said she had COPD and was not dying at all.  He gave her an inhaler and something to help her sleep and a check over.  He says her heart is fine, the lumps and bumps are age related and tried to reassure her she is not dying of cancer.  However she refuses to believe him.    She is now not wanting to eat. I've sent a couple of meals but VNM suspects she is throwing them away and she has told him not to bother bringing more food.  Yesterday she ate a mince pie and sat in silence when he visited until he was ready to leave.

He is not spending time with her every day and is very worried.    Personally I think she is being very frustrating.  Just one example:  for some reason she transferred money to her daughter putting her over the level of savings for her benefits and now can't resolve that. Daughter is in a care home and not mentally sound and no one has power of attorney for her.  She refused to give the money to the VNM for his sister because she said she did not trust him with it.   

Honestly it is a right mess.   I think she is now just very depressed.   I have a lovely friend who is a GP and I chatted with her and she has offered to pop round however VNM mother refuses to see her.     This is a great shame as friend is very caring, one of her roles at practice is end of life care and she is just so "no nonsense" that I think she might help.  VNM distraught and can't think of much except his mother.

And to top it all my ex is due back to night after a few days with his girl-friend.  

Humdinger1

@Watty1 you are being lovely.  While I have some sympathy for VNM's mother, part of me wonders whether she's refusing help to keep the pressure up on her son?  Not that he will forego an independent existence surely but she wants to be no 1 in his life and if doing that for positive reasons isn't possible then this is another way...

As for Ex, words fail me.  You know better than anyone can suggest the best stance; do your plans enable you to envisage a circle of light around you that he can't puncture? I've found that useful many times.  Is his gf an anthropologist? If not, what is she thinking?! Sorry I don't mean to be rude about your ex but if even part of his behaviour is known locally, she is falling victim to magical thinking or possibly saviour complex.  I'd be tempted to treat them to a display of utter happiness; can VNM be around? You are fab Watty and can totally do this.  Love Humdinger xx 

Watty1

@Humdinger1   Part of me wonders that about VNM Mother.   Actually quite a big part and whilst I think I should keep quiet a few comments to that effect have indeed been made.     She has now decided not to eat anymore at all.  And cancelled todays appointment with her doctor.     It almost seems to me that she is willing herself to die.    Over lunch today, I suggested he pop in with her both mornings and evenings each day but he refused saying evenings was enough for now.

I know she wants to be number 1 in his life and I think my horse's surgery was a big blow because he has taken on board helping with the nursing and taking responsibility for dressing changing and walking him while i am at work. His mother was unimpressed apparently and has now complained she is behind me and the horses.

As for the ex, I will be sunshine and light whatever.  He will, of course, be in his usual grumpy mood and sunshine and light from me seems to make that worse

Watty1

In MSE news, because there ought to be some I put the vets bill on my credit card thinking I would pay it from savings at the end of January.   Today I discovered my credit card pays cashback and so I have a credit of £87.20 made to my card today.  This is effectively free money.  I'm delighted.     I decided I would keep a record of the bonus money I make this year.  Knowing me I will probably forget in a while but the running total is £87.20 for the cashback, £15 for something of ex's I sold so £102.20

I have a bonus piece of work to do so I'll count that when it is invoiced out. I'm hoping the running total will keep me motivated to think of extra cash inputs.  

badmemory

My card statement tells me how much I've added that month, but my online access also tells me my running total for the year.  It is always in smaller print so you may not have noticed.

Alchemilla

Watty1 said:

VNM  mother update:   on the pretence of needing oxygen he got her to the doctor.   I don't think she will be duped again Doctor said she had COPD and was not dying at all.  He gave her an inhaler and something to help her sleep and a check over.  He says her heart is fine, the lumps and bumps are age related and tried to reassure her she is not dying of cancer.  However she refuses to believe him.    She is now not wanting to eat. I've sent a couple of meals but VNM suspects she is throwing them away and she has told him not to bother bringing more food.  Yesterday she ate a mince pie and sat in silence when he visited until he was ready to leave.

He is not spending time with her every day and is very worried.    Personally I think she is being very frustrating.  Just one example:  for some reason she transferred money to her daughter putting her over the level of savings for her benefits and now can't resolve that. Daughter is in a care home and not mentally sound and no one has power of attorney for her.  She refused to give the money to the VNM for his sister because she said she did not trust him with it.   

Honestly it is a right mess.   I think she is now just very depressed.   I have a lovely friend who is a GP and I chatted with her and she has offered to pop round however VNM mother refuses to see her.     This is a great shame as friend is very caring, one of her roles at practice is end of life care and she is just so "no nonsense" that I think she might help.  VNM distraught and can't think of much except his mother.

And to top it all my ex is due back to night after a few days with his girl-friend.  

Poor you, this is rotten, Watty. 

I hate to say this but just because the GP says she is not dying doesn't make it true (based on my recent experience). DH was fobbed off with FOUR courses of antibiotics for a non existent chest infection before finally being diagnosed with metastatic cancer & pulmonary embolism. 

What does VNM feel is happening, or someone else closest to her? They are probably right. 

I was convinced DH was dying for months before his final diagnosis but told myself I was being a drama queen. Loss of interest in the world, loss of appetite... I know there are other causes for those, but still... 

It is hard to say no to, but can you take on this additional emotional load right now? Sending love. 

Slinky

I'm wondering if she could have a vitamin B12 deficiency. My MIL had this which lead to bouts of confusion where we thought she was getting dementia. Some injections and I think it was Vitamin D supplements saw a big improvement.  She gets UTIs quite a lot as well as she doesn't drink enough (doesn't want to go to the loo at nighttime) which also seems to result in confusion. She misplaces stuff and is convinced her neighbout is breaking in through her loft hatch and moving stuff about. There's a bolt on the underside of the hatch, and a wall between the two houses, but apparently he is 'very clever'. The locks have been changed at least 3 times but she's convinced he has a key....

Watty1

Thanks for your comments. VNM thinks she is dying and that whilst it is in her head she is committed to it as she has decided not to eat.     The only thing I can think to do now is phone her doctors and tell them that.

She is very weak and apparently ate nothing yesterday and is having difficult getting in and out of a chair.  She just wants him to visit each day until she goes.  He is naturally devestated.