This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

Watty1

A little bit of breathing space.   The ex Mr Watty has gone on holiday with his mother.  I moved back into the house completely for the time he is away.   Had doctors appointment yesterday for something not too serious and upon being asked how I was I inexplicably burst into tears.  After a nice chat I was offered anti-depressants for the next few months to "take the edge off".  I have declined for now but I am thinking I may go back for them.  I'm going to start with taking a food supplement and working on diet and also using my SAD lamp to see if any of this helps.   I know I am really struggling.  I have been writing down a lot of the past and that is helping a little.  Struggling at work too.

Appointment with solicitor tomorrow to discuss an agreement the ex Mr Watty wants on the land.  It has been drawn up but it is very confusing and hard to read so I need the small print explained tomorrow.

Also time to review the finances.  I have used savings to clear both credit cards and now will be very cautious on what I spend.   I also listed out my savings accounts.  Whilst I have not been paying attention one savings account has sunk to 0.01%.  What on earth is that about?  0.01%  Really!   I use that account to pay my legal bills so I think what is there will be eaten up by the lawyers over the next 2 to 3 months so I will just ignore that woefully low figure for now.    Another account has 0.21% and almost relieved to discover my third and final account has 0.50%  

Tomorrows task is to find the details of the emergency ISA.  I think that is now needed.  Raising the money to settle is indeed an emergency.

Watty1

Lovely day. Nice walk with Watty dog, coffee with sister (jury still out on that one) and a little bit of time with the horses.  Work now even more behind but at least off sofa and not in tears. 
In financial news rung solicitor re land agreement and questioned a lot of the document which I know understand and get his tactics.  Seemed to make sense.   Also started ball rolling to cash in ISA.   
Finally spoke to VNM (very nice man) who lends me his car and asked if he will help me find something cheap to tide me over until I can afford to buy something newer.  I gave him my budget which is £500 to £1000 tops and he thought that was doable and said he will start trawling local ads.  

apple_muncher

Everyone needs a VNM

Humdinger1

Watty, you're doing fantastically.   The anti-ds are there if necessary but you're working through it.  What does the house feel like with just you? This is a good opportunity to think about what you'll do when it's all sorted.  Your resilience and practicality are awesome.  Love Humdinger xx 

LadyWithAPlan

Just wanted to pop in and give you a virtual hug after reading through most of your diary over the last few weeks. You have been through so much and this judge decision seems vastly unfair and this whole goods/chattels thing -argh.

I have refused to live with anyone in decades after having done so in the past, he cheated with  a family member (oh yes!!)  and I walked away with nothing - karma definitely got him spectacularly though within a year. I am extremely vocal ever since about never living with anyone and also never joining finances unless one is married but I am very sorry you had to learn this the hard way especially with your mortgage OP and his pension. Still yours is respectable.

Truth is though you are the one with the great habits and focus, you made the changes to OP, you are the one that gets things done so you will rebuild your financial future easily because you will also have the consistent action, knowledge and now the fire of  using all the frustration, pain and anger positively to turn this around.

Also the massive upside is moving forward that you wont have to be dealing with someone with issues like his  in the future. A man who lies, who acknowledges he financially has stolen from you - no matter what the judge says, a man who is petty in the extreme, a man who is only there for himself and puts you last .. good riddance. He will be left without the amazing human that is you and his issues will get worse not better as he ages. 

Soon your life will be about your next steps and plans, a man like that only gets worse not better with age and you have time now to re build in a way that benefits you and builds your future.

So treat yourself kindly over these last few difficult months, I know there are lots of house decisions to be made but perhaps ones where you can get him out of your life asap without costing too much would be helpful. 

Watty1

LadyWithAPlan  Thank you.  I found that very moving. So thank you.

There have been some wonderful cheerleaders on here and I really do appreciate you all.  And hindsight being a wonderful thing I see after looking back over some old posts Humdinger foretold the future accurately some time back - quite a lot of pages back - but still I have learned. 

Watty1

Paperwork to cash in the emergency ISA arrived today.  Duly signed and returned with proof of bank details.  Should raise £40091 which will go towards buying the house.  'Overage Agreement' finally sorted (this is a legal agreement that if I sell the land for development in the next 10 years the ex gets 50%) and has now gone off to his solicitors with my revised offer.
Depression and anxiety so bad that I was considering just agreeing to anything Friday but after a few days rest, some good food and sleep I feel better.  Having the house to myself is nice, I like it. I'm walking the dog each evening about 2 to 3 miles and after walking the dog yesterday had an hot bath and early night and feel so much better.   

I've had a think about what I'll do with the house when its all sorted and I do have plans. Not likely to have very much money but there is a lot of essential work that needs doing because the work was done badly when we renovated, some fencing needs replacing and I think that little lot will be expensive but I've had a bit of fun doing some virtual shopping on ebay.  I'm quite happy for him to take almost all the goods in the house as my virtual shopping let me realise my tastes are very different if I can let my imagination fly.   Found a fantastic 1920s sofa on bay of e.  So fantastic I nearly bought it.  Just in time I remembered (a) he might leave the sofas (b) I have not actually got a house (c) sofa might not fit where I end up (d) if he leaves the sofas the cash would be more use doing essential work first. 

Watty1

Spent most of the day asleep. Got up, turned the horses out and walked the dog then went back to bed after being sick.    Its now 3 pm, I've had another breakfast and about to think about work.  No idea when the ex is back. Think that might have been the trigger for being sick.   
Trying to find a positive in that and the best I came up with was it will help with the weight loss (sigh)

Watty1

Ex has not replied to my latest offer.  Not surprised.  I asked solicitor to give it a few days before chasing and today is the day she should chase up.  My sensible brain does not believe he will even respond but my hopeful one is anxious to hear and so I cannot concentrate on very much.  Just rode the charming cob and now in office trying to concentrate on work.

LadyWithAPlan

The good thing about pets is they do get you out of bed even if you are depressed, and they also bring a lot of joy. All we can ever do is change ourselves, our habits and our focus levels (never anyone else) so well done for actually getting up and then keeping on going day by day at this unstable uncertain  time whilst you are also healing.

I remember reading an article on how we always think when we break up from people  that they will suddenly be happier forever with someone new but this is never the case. One's levels of happiness, behaviours, depressions don't change much, we all tend to live and struggle with the same issues the same way no matter who we are with.  I can guaranteed he is struggling just as much with his mental issues as ever if not more so now he has lost you. Your focus and energy  on supporting him, his family and the finances can all now go on you and we are all looking to seeing you over the extra few years pay off your new mortgage


He will get back to you, there is no hurry as you can keep saving and being MSE so the longer he takes to come around the lesser mortgage you will have to take on - reframing it this way means you can feel less stressed. That 1920s sofa sounds fabulous - please don't let him take everything - you can ebay some stuff to start your own sinking fund/pot of fabulous Watty style design.

 I look forward to you selling off the extra land in 10 years and one day So don't allow him to have claws in your future life for too long - at least you dont have kids then you would have to speak to him