Please Help.

AlexLK

tallyhoh wrote: »

Oh dear, I am really going to sound horrible again here but trust me I mean it for the best.

Sell the whole of whatever collections you have, they are holding you back & putting your home & family in jeopardy.

I really don't know what a V8 is but you should sell whatever cars you don't need, they cost money even if they are paid for, tax, insurance, MOT, service etc.

Again I will sound really nasty here about your parents & the school fees: You state that: "They have already stated that they will help and that they do not want their grandchild growing up without the opportunities I had"

Sorry, but it didn't help you any did it? it just gave you a false view of the real world. You are trying to act like someone with a really good salary on a very average wage. To put it into perspective my nephew is on minimum pay in a pub & with a few hours overtime takes home more than you.

I really mean this for the best mate, honestly.

This really is a step too far. I have come on here for a little help and advice, not to be berated for my lack of income, which has nothing at all to do with whether or not my parents paid for my education.

Bublin1

Alex,
I don't want you to get upset. We are all trying to help and perhaps give you some shock treatment but it's not our intention to upset you for the sack of upsetting you.

Do you think now is the time to 'come clean' to the people who love and care about you. Sure you parents will be disappointed at first but ultimately they are there to help and support you through the rough and the smooth of life and they sound like great parents.
They will appreciate that you talked to them at this point rather than 12 month down the road when the balliffs have taken it all away. Then you really will have to explain yourself.

You are taking this on single-handed and that is a lot for one person.

tallyhoh

AlexLK wrote: »

I presume they can give me a court order to pay back the money, which I don't have. Honestly, I don't think they could do a lot in my situation as I have very few assets.

I came on here hoping to get some help but now feel worse than ever, almost on the verge of tears about all of this. My parents would be rather disgusted if they found out I owed any other money than the mortgage.

Sorry but you have been given a LOT of help, if it was sympathy you were after we are in short supply, it doesn't help your situation any.

As for any court orders unfortunately you do have the assets, you have a house, 3 cars & a collection of pens & 2 incomes. They will take these into account. Your lifestyle will be ignored.

You do need to talk to your wife & start to get a grip.

What about showing her this thread? the reality might hit.

gallygirl

Sorry Alex, another one here about to give you a hard time.

Your classic car, holidays, pens, clothes, wife's haircuts etc won't do you any good when it all come crashing down around you. Cutting phone tariffs etc is only a drop in the ocean. Why give up buying clothes for 6 months? That will give you £1,200 which isn't going to make much of an impact on your credit cards. If you have spent 20k on them you could easily owe double that now - they will be adding interest and charges every month. If you were to speak to them you might just get an agreement where they would freeze interest.

Your wife needs to be on board, supporting you, not giving you expectations you feel compelled to live up to. Frankly, I'd be more worried about your mental health from you worrying about the debt than whether I was going to have 2 holidays or not.

If it was me I would:
- sell all your pens & watches
- sell your Triumph. There's a real danger you could end up living in it if you don't call a halt to this!
- cancel all holidays, clothes shopping etc
- look seriously at changing both cars for something more economical, albeit one has to be a 4x4.
- and most importantly, speak to a debt charity such as Payplan. Remember, pride comes before a fall, don't be ashamed to speak to them about it.

If my wife didn't agree with the above I'd seriously wonder whether she saw me as a husband or a meal ticket. What happened to richer or poorer, better or worse? I know she's had a hard few years, as you have, but carrying on as she is won't lead to better times ahead.

Sorry to heap more gloom on you. We really are a supportive bunch on here - but sometimes that means being brutally honest.

AlexLK

Orange_Ena wrote: »

Me again

Reading through some of your replies it seems quite clear that you haven't really had your lightbulb moment yet. It maybe flickering though. A tiny bit.

You and your wife are a partnership. Rough with the smooth, for better for worse. You shouldn't really buy her luxuries, that you can ill afford, to make up for a difficult few years. Treats and luxuries are lovely, but not a necessity. Keeping a roof over your head and the wolves from the door is. You buy your car treats too?! Its not a dog :rotfl::D

Other people and their lifestyles don't matter. They may earn more than you, or have won the lottery, or maybe everything is on credit and they are wondering when the house of cards is going to come crashing down around them.

I really hope that LBM hits you soon. Have a read of some diaries and see how others have managed to reduce their debt quite drastically and are now saving for a better future.

You can buy all the stuff in the world, but it won't make you happy. Not for long anyway.

Really, best of luck to you. Sorry if I've been harsh

Also, if you ditch the BMW, you won't NEED a Land Rover in the winter. Consider getting a "normal" car and drive carefully in the snow.

I wish my wife saw things as you do. She doesn't, nor do I blame her for that.

Other people do bother me but not as much as they did. I remember when I sold my RRS, I was convinced somebody was going to sneer at my obvious downgrade. Now, I'm not quite so bothered.

I will certainly have a read of the diaries, thank you.

As for the cars, I'm not sure I could face downgrading them further but I acknowledge there are saving to be made and the V8 one ought to look for a new home.

AlexLK

Bublin1 wrote: »

Alex,
I don't want you to get upset. We are all trying to help and perhaps give you some shock treatment but it's not our intention to upset you for the sack of upsetting you.

Do you think now is the time to 'come clean' to the people who love and care about you. Sure you parents will be disappointed at first but ultimately they are there to help and support you through the rough and the smooth of life and they sound like great parents.
They will appreciate that you talked to them at this point rather than 12 month down the road when the balliffs have taken it all away. Then you really will have to explain yourself.

You are taking this on single-handed and that is a lot for one person.

Whilst my wife has her suspicions she does not know about the credit card debt, well certainly not the extent of it. I'm beginning to feel like I've ruined my life, my wife's life and my little boy's, how can I not feel upset.

AlexLK

tallyhoh wrote: »

Sorry but you have been given a LOT of help, if it was sympathy you were after we are in short supply, it doesn't help your situation any.

As for any court orders unfortunately you do have the assets, you have a house, 3 cars & a collection of pens & 2 incomes. They will take these into account. Your lifestyle will be ignored.

You do need to talk to your wife & start to get a grip.

What about showing her this thread? the reality might hit.

Perhaps I didn't realise what a court would consider an "asset". I have never missed a payment on the mortgage.

tallyhoh

AlexLK wrote: »

This really is a step too far. I have come on here for a little help and advice, not to be berated for my lack of income, which has nothing at all to do with whether or not my parents paid for my education.

No one is berating you for your lack of income, there are three adults in my home earning less together than you earn yourself, we do not claim any form of welfare benefit.

However what you do with that money is the question? you raised the point about your child being given the same education as yourself, not me. I merely questioned it.

At the end of the day you have been offered help & advice & you can choose to accept or ignore it.

Just don't get upset or defensive about it, it wont help.

Orange_Ena

AlexLK wrote: »

I wish my wife saw things as you do. She doesn't, nor do I blame her for that.

Other people do bother me but not as much as they did. I remember when I sold my RRS, I was convinced somebody was going to sneer at my obvious downgrade. Now, I'm not quite so bothered.

I will certainly have a read of the diaries, thank you.

As for the cars, I'm not sure I could face downgrading them further but I acknowledge there are saving to be made and the V8 one ought to look for a new home.

Nobody wants you to get upset, people just want to impart their moneysaving wisdom. I know that since I discovered MSE, I want to spread the word about how much money you can save with just a little bit of effort. Most of my friends just don't want to hear it :rotfl: I've got a friend who posts numerous times a day on FB about "I need this" or "I so need that" and usually its just some bit of tat. Everytime she does that I have to sit on my hands so I don't reply "You don't NEED it, you WANT it".

I think what I'm trying to say is, is that its a little frustrating when people don't want to take on board advice, whether its wanted or not and whether its harsh or not - when you've seen the light, you want to spread the word. So please don't be offended by anything anyone says, we are trying to help you

You may go away from here fuming about what a bunch of strangers have said to you, but if you even make a few cuts to you bills, its a step in the right direction. Like I said earlier, you take on board as much or as little of the advice as you see fit.

I don't even know what an RRS is! If anyone sneers or comments on your choice of car or whatever, then that's their lookout. You do what's right for you and your family, cause no-one else really matters

AlexLK

gallygirl wrote: »

Sorry Alex, another one here about to give you a hard time.

Your classic car, holidays, pens, clothes, wife's haircuts etc won't do you any good when it all come crashing down around you. Cutting phone tariffs etc is only a drop in the ocean. Why give up buying clothes for 6 months? That will give you £1,200 which isn't going to make much of an impact on your credit cards. If you have spent 20k on them you could easily owe double that now - they will be adding interest and charges every month. If you were to speak to them you might just get an agreement where they would freeze interest.

Your wife needs to be on board, supporting you, not giving you expectations you feel compelled to live up to. Frankly, I'd be more worried about your mental health from you worrying about the debt than whether I was going to have 2 holidays or not.

If it was me I would:
- sell all your pens & watches
- sell your Triumph. There's a real danger you could end up living in it if you don't call a halt to this!
- cancel all holidays, clothes shopping etc
- look seriously at changing both cars for something more economical, albeit one has to be a 4x4.
- and most importantly, speak to a debt charity such as Payplan. Remember, pride comes before a fall, don't be ashamed to speak to them about it.

If my wife didn't agree with the above I'd seriously wonder whether she saw me as a husband or a meal ticket. What happened to richer or poorer, better or worse? I know she's had a hard few years, as you have, but carrying on as she is won't lead to better times ahead.

Sorry to heap more gloom on you. We really are a supportive bunch on here - but sometimes that means being brutally honest.

I feel sick just thinking about the credit cards which I was initially not worried about in the slightest. I have already been diagnosed as suffering from anxiety and depression so I suppose you could say I am trying to bury my head in the sand about it all that is not to say I don't get jittery every time letters come through the door or the phone rings.

As far as the pens and watches go, they'd raise about £14K altogether. My Triumph is not worth anywhere near what I have lavished upon it over the years, I'd be prepared to use it as my main car if I had to. I've been far too ashamed to speak to anybody about this before. However, I know I'm in for a sleepless night tonight.

I love my wife dearly, she had a hard upbringing so I really didn't want to put her through all this in her adult life. I merely want to protect her. A part of me wonders why I am bothering to pour my heart out to a bunch of strangers, it just seems easier than to people I know.