Please Help.

sketchingkari

Hi Alex, I hope you did manage to get some sleep and are feeling a little better about things this morning.

First off, anxiety and depression are not a stranger to me, sadly, and I understand just how awful you feel, don't give up, or feel a failure, you are NOT a failure, you have done a wonderful job of looking after your family, yes you are in debt and your spending habits are a little out of control, we've all been there (some of us are still there) but things can change, really quickly!

You are having a 'flickering lightbulb moment' your brain is saying something has to give, but your heart is saying, no no no!

I have total faith that you can turn this around. One of the first things you need to do is try to get your head into the 'need vs want' question, how many things do you have that you 'need'? How many are just things that you 'want'? How may things do you buy/pay for each month which are your 'needs' how many are just 'wants'

We all deserve treats, things that make us happy, especially if depression has been a spectre in your past, I would love to fill my house with all the things I love, but I cannot. I have had to give up so much and it is hard, I cried when I had to sell my beloved reef tank The only thing that gets me through some days is the thought that once we are debt free, the money I pay to those debts each month will go into a savings account, once there is a grand or two in there, I can go spend it all on a lovely reef, all mine, no guilt, no debt, how much fun will that be? Could you do something similar?

Look at it this way, make some sacrifices now, get that loan gone, the credit cards cut up and paid off, then you will be back on track, feeling in control and able to have guilt free treats.

If it were me, I would start selling your collections, you say you might even make a profit? Tell your wife it is a little sideline.

See if you can get her on board with the saving, nothing drastic at first, £50 off the groceries, cut the alcohol down to a bottle a week (if you do have anxiety and depression, alcohol should be a bit of a no no anyway) I think massive changes would cause you way too much stress, do one small thing at a time...... go through your house and get ebaying, you'll be surprised at how much you have accumulated and just how much cash there is laying around.

Consider cutting out those holidays, just for one year and imagine how good it will feel to take a couple of weeks out the next year.

Sometimes we have so many treats and things in our life, they become 'everyday' and we don't appreciate them, do without the new clothes, the expensive spends for a while and they will seem all the more sweeter next time you have them.

You say that you see other people, far worse off than you, coping fine financially, it's because they have figured out when they can and cannot afford, they work to their budget, not have what they want and hope it will all fall into place, until you really work that out, for yourself, what sacrifices you are prepared to make, then that won't happen.

Good luck, it's not easy, but it is so very worthwhile

Mrs_A_2

Hi,

I've been reading this thread and keeping an eye on it to see how things would develop. I'm quite new to this site also, but like you have come on to pick up some help with clearing some debt we have accumulated.

I have to echo what everyone else has said. If I were you, as hard as it must be, I would be selling my collections and one of those cars foremost. I'd also be explaining to the family that we can't holiday next year, but we will enjoy our holiday the following year even more so for the fact we have paid for it.

I think with your debt it is unrealistic to expect to send your child through private education at £100 a month. As others have said, if you end up being taken to court etc, you are going to lose this privilege anyway. Personally I'd lose more face having to pull my child from the school once they had started, than never send them at all.

It become obvious to me how much you love and want to your protect your wife. I appreciate how hard it must be for you, but you can't burden all of this yourself. Its not fair on you. I know you want to protect her, but all you are doing is letting her be ignorant to just how much debt you are in, and whilst she is ignorant the situation will be prolonged. One day, it will hit home and your wife probably won't thank you for keeping her in the dark, and will say that she wishes you had of told her.

Trixsie1989

AlexLK wrote: »

There is more to life than working to buy stuff, I agree. By the same token I find it so difficult to get by the "I want" mentality. Especially when I see people who do "have it all".

Hi Alex, I went through stages like this when I was paying my debt off and it would really upset me especially when all my friends were getting on with there life and it seemed like we were getting nowhere. Don't get me wrong we still spend but nowhere near as much as we used to, and we only finished paying our debts of this month! Being frugal for a few months may save your marriage and help you to sleep easier ( I know how stressful being in debt is!) even just cutting down on the wine bill or takeaways could be a way of making a payment towards your debt.

Good luck, sxx

AlexLK

Thank you all. Well ... I've spoken to her, sort of. In the end, I decided that I couldn't just tell her everything so yesterday evening I spent an hour before bed writing her a letter explaining everything. Fortunately, I slept better than I thought I was going to. Anyhow, she read what I'd wrote to her last night and to say she was not pleased would be an understatement. She has now threatened to leave with our little boy if I don't get this sorted out even though I am the one who looks after him most of the time. So, I better get on with trying to do something, hadn't I?

Managed to do one thing productive today, BT is sorted. They didn't want to lose me as a customer and matched Virgin Media. It actually felt rather good to know I'd negotiated a good deal from them.

In response to your posts.

FalseEconomist: Thank you.

Americandream: I was 28 when the world came crashing down and only 6 years into my career. I was earning around £60,000 before tax, whilst that may not be a lot in the South-East, here it's the sort of income that can provide one with a decent lifestyle. My wife's earnings have also gone down when we had our son but she will be returning to work full time very soon. However, you are right about us already making many sacrifices.

John1993: The last thing I want is for my son to end up as I have. The pens didn't start as a something of a hoard; when I first started collecting them, I'd buy the bargains, keep them a bit, eBay them and make a bit of money on them before buying one that was more expensive. In fact, I used to do rather well out of eBay and enjoyed it.

Sketchingkari: Thank you for your advice. Fortunately, we have already been on holiday this year and have not booked next year's yet. I am aware that I have failed in all I set out to do in life but I can't let things get into the state they were four years ago for my son's sake. Many may say it was irresponsible of my wife and I to plan a child before I'd fully changed things. However, he is my life now and I know I could not have coped this well if I didn't have his life to think of.

Mrs_A: The wife is no longer ignorant, I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep if she didn't know. Yes, my lifestyle is unsustainable but I have explained the school stuff previously - my parents are willing to pay for my son's education so long as they see I am trying to make some sort of effort. Unfortunately, the effort is not so grand at the moment. My son is only two though.

Trixsie1989: It helps to know somebody else has felt the same way, thank you.

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Sorry for my incoherence in this message, I can hardly think straight at the moment, so I apologise in advance if I have missed anybody's reply.

Mrs_A_2

AlexLK - Glad to hear that you have confided in your wife. I hope that her reaction was just anger / instant reaction and not actually meant. I definitely think you have done the best thing.

You can definitely do a lot of damage limitation with everything already discussed. I do think you should look at your CC and the APR on them though - you might be financially better off paying some of those first etc.

Well done for facing up to it all, really, I do mean that.

AlexLK

Mrs_A wrote: »

AlexLK - Glad to hear that you have confided in your wife. I hope that her reaction was just anger / instant reaction and not actually meant. I definitely think you have done the best thing.

You can definitely do a lot of damage limitation with everything already discussed. I do think you should look at your CC and the APR on them though - you might be financially better off paying some of those first etc.

Well done for facing up to it all, really, I do mean that.

She's gone to work and somehow I doubt she will be back until late tonight.

As far as the credit cards go, I am trying to build the courage up to open the bills and call the companies in question. Though I am unsure what you mean by paying those off first? I am not going to put paying those above paying my mortgage.

Thank you. Sadly, I know I won't be able to get any work done myself today which is not exactly ideal for the finances.

Mrs_A_2

AlexLK - She will be angry, thats all, it will be a shock.

Sorry, I guess I've got lost about what the debt you have actually is / for. I'm not suggesting you miss any mortgage repayments. Just wasn't sure, with the CC taken into account, which debts were best to tackle first, thats all.

bess1234_2

Rewind: did you say you could raise £15000 on your pens and £20000 credit card debt. Post a separate thread on here asking how to tackle it. I don't know but there are people who do. Ask about full and final offers . How to find your position without agreeing to pay what you can't afford .

Your money is wrapped in anxiety . But with bt you saw how to handle it logically and control it, not it controlling you.

Any money you can make on top of your budget ( once you give over on the champagne lifestyle) you could start a pocket money pen buying and selling business which I'm sure will give you much pleasure.

It's not doom and gloom, you just have to spend less than you earn, which you haven't been doing. See it as a challenge, like BT was

sketchingkari

I don't have much time to reply now, but can I just say how :mad: I am at how your wife has responded? Did she not spend money? Did she not go on holidays? Did she not enjoy the lifestyle?

Maybe you should point out to her that it took the two of you spending to accumulate these debts and maybe if she took the time to be pro-active with it all, it would help you all out and help build a secure and happy future for ALL of you........

wegle

AlexLK - well done for sitting down with your wife and being honest. She will be angry right now, but you both decided when you got married to support each other through thick and thin, so I'm sure once she's had time to absorb the information she will be there for you.

Well done on negotiating BT down, and you know that feeling that you got, that you had achieved something? This is the feeling you can expect to experience everytime you make a positive step towards debt repayment.

Get those letters opened, and get a 100% clear view of the situation. It'll feel horrible whilst you're doing it, but once you've acknowledged the situation and, with the help of people on here, come up with a plan of action you will feel like a massive weight has lifted.

Regards to your budget, Our household takes home a similar amount each month (we have no children though), we run two cars, have the occasional takeway, I have a haircut every other month, we have one overseas holiday a year and one camping in the UK, we still enjoy the occasional cinema trip or restaurant night out. We are able to maintain this lifestyle but still put at least £300 a month towards my debt, through smart budgeting and really following the mantra of DO I NEED IT?

My top tips would be -

Gas & Electric - you can definitely get this down, be smart about what energy you are using, make sure you are on the best tariff you can be, and if you switch remember to do it through one of the cashback sites if possible.

Groceries
- Cut out the booze. We don't drink except on special occasions out of the house. This has 3 benefits, 1. Lower grocery bill, 2. Good for our health and 3. It makes alcohol a special treat, therefore we're saving money but still treating ourselves.
- Switch down brands. Value/smartprice etc. I did our entire monthly shop yesterday for 2 people, buying a mixture of regular and budget brands and spent £98. This will now be topped up around £15 a week for the next 4 weeks. Total spend £158, which could go even lower if all budget brands were bought.

Holidays - £250 a month is a huge holiday budget. You can still enjoy an overseas holiday a year for much less for all of you. Our last holiday (our honeymoon in fact) cost £1100 for 2 weeks all inclusive at a 4 star resort including flights, for the 2 of us. Get hunting for deals they are around. I know you said you're wife might not enjoy camping but what about looking in the papers for the deals on B&Bs. My boss regularly goes on short breaks with Olde English Inns which cost around £10 for a weekend for him and his wife, then all they need is spending money.

School fees - I'm not going to get into the arguement of which is better etc. But it seems you have identified this as a must. That's fine but what you need to realise is you will have to cut back that much more in the other areas and in some cases probably completely remove them from your life for the time being, in order to achieve this goal.

I wish you lots of luck, but remember you and your wife are the only people that can make the necessary changes in your life and once you do you will feel so much more in control and content in your life.