Please Help.

LightbulbFlashing

Hi Alex, I normally lurk on this board, and have contributed on odd occasions. I read the first three pages, and I have been compelled to post a reply. I have not got time to read every post, so if I have missed something please say so. You seem like a decent chap, I'd like to have a word with you in person, you seem amiable, polite and decent. However, whilst these are great qualities, you also need to be ruthless. I am no financial expert, and I was not in as much debt as you were, however I have just spent the last year pulling myself out of debt and it was not easy. But I did it, and you can. I'm going to be blunt, and I do not mean to sound condescending/rude, but I do want to help you.

Here's what I would do:

1) Get rid of one of your cars. You've had one for twenty years? You're still paying for it though, aren't you? Tax, insurance, MOT etc? I couldn't afford to keep my first car, neither can a lot of people. Tough - get rid. When you have done that, downgrade both of your cars. You don't need a 4x4 in the country. We live in the UK, not Alaska. I have spent winter in Russia and Poland - where you get real winters and snow, and people get by. You can too mate.

2) £100 a month on wine? Stop this. By all means enjoy a nice bottle now and again. My Mrs and I find some great deals on wine in Tesco - £4.99 a bottle! We enjoy a bottle probably once a week with a nice meal (cooked at home). You don't have the money to buy all this wine. You drink a bottle a day? That's a lot of money just wasted, cut back and drop down a few brands (and years!).

3) Sell your pens and watches. They will soon lose their value when you haven't for a house left to keep them in and they rust. That will be a big lump sum paid off your debts and money saved in interest too.

4) Have a word with your wife. I was open and honest with my lady, and told her what debts I had (and my plan to get rid of them) a couple of months into our relationship. She was fine, and it gave her an idea about what lifestyle we could afford. We're still together two years on and we're engaged. Her support and maturity was one of the reasons that made me realise that she was the one. She seems to be part of the problem. I appreciate she had a 'tougher' upbringing then you, I would try reminding her of how she coped. What does she want? You to go back to your old job and get ill again, and try and take your own life again? Or does she want a husband who will be there for you? Also, if she had a tough upbringing and was not as wealthy as you, how can her parents criticize you? They clearly 'weren't all that' when she was growing up?

5) You want your child to experience the same upbringing you did and have the same chances you had? That's nice. But where did it lead to you? I have no issues with your parents paying the fees, as you correctly identified - a good education is more than a ticket to a job. But 98% of the world do not sip nice fine wines or drive 4x4s. As already stated, the best days/holidays can be spent at a local beach, spending time with your family, making sandcastles and crabbing! (Used to love that!). The point is, great times are valued on the company and experience, not how much you ended up paying.

You talk about cringing about the sorts of messes children make? I think you (and you're wife) are trying live out some consumerist, materialist fantasy. But it sounds hollow and vapid, mate. Quite simply, 'you're spending money you don't have, to buy things you don't need, to impress people you don't like'.

I sound blunt because I want to give you some advice - if I did not care about your situation I would have ignored this thread.

Mrs_A_2

AlexLK wrote: »

Is it so wrong to just want him to enjoy life young and have lots of experiences he may or may not have in his elder years?

Mrs. K.'s university years were very different to mine: she had little money, struggled with her course as a result of money worries (scraped a 2:2 which would get her nowhere these days), had to work part time (I worked too but only on my own terms), house shared which was a nightmare in itself and hardly ever got the opportunity to go out and let her hair down.

I, on the other hand, studied what many would call a "useless" degree (music) at both undergraduate and masters level, had the time of my life. On the third hand, I also wonder if my blissful uni years were the start of my own downfall. It is so very difficult knowing what to do for the best, isn't it?

Its not wrong - but to think he needs a lot of money to enjoy his life, is perhaps a little misguided. Yours and your wifes experiences, if you don't mind me saying, are at the completely opposite ends. You need a medium balance - which is perfectly feasible for your son. Not everyone who goes to University with less than you did had the experiences that your wife had.

barbarawright

You do realise that 90% of students houseshare and hardly anyone finds it a 'nightmare'? To risk losing your house so your 3 year old son won't have to share a bathroom is the dictionary definition of insanity.

Mara_uk7

Hi Alex, why dont you ask admin to lock down this thread, must be wearing for you keeping both threads going at once, especially when your diary one is so much more positive ?

AlexLK

Good evening everybody!

Again thank you all for your advice. I have now set up a diary for you to follow if you wish and give advice there.

In response to your replies:

Goldiegirl: If was hard reading about you having to clear your parents house out, I know one day (hopefully a long time off) I will have to do the same. I am taking one step at a time as far as selling things goes, though they will be going.

Lannie: See above, they will be going but fairly slowly and I'll be selling the things I am not attached to first.

Cakey: Thank you so much for such a long and supportive post. Fortunately, Mrs K. and I are getting straight with where we need to be - together. She was rather angry with me (and still is) but she has fully come on board.

theoretica: Funny you should say that re. the music ... more shall be explained in the diary thread (once I have completed this evening's entry).

debtbustingdeb: Did you manage to find my diary?

Lightbulbflashing: Thank you for your reply. I realise that I do need to be ruthless as far as getting rid of these debts go.

To address your points raised:

1. The cars are a bit of a sticking point for me but I am certainly selling my V8 Disco to buy a diesel version. The Triumph is staying. However, I am going to stop buying things for it.

2. Wine - yes we are giving this up, I don't think drinking every evening was doing me much good if I'm honest with myself.

3. Pens / watches - they are also on their way out (well the majority are).

4. Mrs. K. - we are on the way to sorting things out between us.

5. Our son's upbringing - a little more about that will be covered in my diary as I am beginning to wonder what is best for him too. I just don't want him to go through the kind of upbringing my wife had.

Mrs_A: Thank you for your input, I do get carried away with making sure he has a perfect upbringing and yet by the same token I know it can never be perfect.

barbarawright: , there is not a lot else I can say to this one. Yes, I do realise, I just want to give our little boy the best chance in life.

Mara: Yes trying to keep up is starting to stress me out!

Everybody: I am more than happy to listen to your advice but please post on my diary thread rather than this one.

Iwillsucceed_2

Mara_uk7 wrote: »

Hi Alex, why dont you ask admin to lock down this thread, must be wearing for you keeping both threads going at once, especially when your diary one is so much more positive ?

Hello Alex!

I will second the above user's comment!
I have never read anyone's threat in this forum since I took part except yours! Uffff I went through many emotions by doing so! I was saddened, happy and at times I wanted ti kick your rear ha ha!
You have made a grate effort replying to each of those who made a great effor to give you advices... It takes a full time job replying to them all uff I don't mean for you to be impolite but we will understand if you choose not to acknowledge each of us!
It can be overwhelming at the beginning particularly when you feel some post are helpful or not.. So take care of yourself !!

I think you have the Will to turn around your life ..so all the best and I shall read you on your diary!

Uffff it takes time these things haha
Regards
I will succeed

gallygirl

As this is the 'talk about your son' thread :

Can I suggest you read The Millionaire Next Door?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Millionaire-Next-Door-Thomas-Stanley/dp/0671015206

Better still, download for free from here:

http://tlrp.forumotion.com/t42-free-pdf-download-the-millionaire-next-door-by-thomas-stanley-and-william-danko-updated

It changed or clarified my thinking about many things and the chapter on giving money to children was really thought provoking (and been used by me to justify giving my kids no more money :rotfl:).

I really can't recommend it enough. Then progress to Rich Dad, Poor Dad .