Please Help.

Mrs_A_2

Alex, I understand you wanting to keep that 12.5K for your son but I really, really, really think you and Mrs K need to use this money to pay off some of your debts. There is no good having that money in that account for your son, at the age of 4, when you have 30k+ worth of debt. The sooner you clear that debt, the happier you will all be.

I honestly believe that if your son was old enough to know what was going on - or if he is ever told of this situation - he will have 100% wished that you used the 12.5K to sort this out.

You can start saving for him again - when you can actually afford it.

FBaby

Hi Alex, I have read your thread, and I have to say felt quite confused with your situation. I couldn't make out whether your intention is just to learn to live a more frugal life and less stressful life all together, or whether you are only looking at getting rid of your debts therefore having no choice to do so for a time being. Are you looking at your business just giving you enough money to keep you going or are you hoping that it will become a very successful business so that you can once again earn well and spend as you used to.

You say you are still dealing with the depression and anxiety. Do you know why? You hinted that it was work related (as everything else in your life seems to be going well), so why is it still an issue? Is there actually more to it than just your previous work? If so, it might be worth tackling this as if/when your business pick up, you could once again find yourself struggling to deal with the demand?

Also, your wife seems very supportive, but as per paragraph above, do you know where she sees your future? You have hinted at the beginning of your thread that she was questioning whether you could go back to a job in your industry? Does this mean that although she is fully supportive at the moment, she sees your current situation as only temporary? Is she on a similar time frame than you?

In regards to your SOA, nothing much I can add to all the good advice provided already. Just one thing, that if you have been used to living quite well, there might quite a number of things you spend on that do not fall into any categories on your SOA. It is all these 'additional' costs that mean that my balance at the end of the month is not has high as I would wish. It's things like some activities we do (doing a round of golf), buy sport equipment, going out for the day and the sandwiches/ice-creams, it's the birthday presents for friends, the DVDs, books, beauty products, coffees when meeting up with friends, pints at the pub etc.... All these £10 here, £20 there... Are you sure you have accounted for all these?

Also, do take into consideration that children do cost more and more as they get older. They want to do activities, birthday parties (their own, and then all the presents you need to buy to the ones they are invited to), the outfits for these activities, the fuel to transport them there, the gradually more expensive toys they want etc...

heartbreak_star

Alex - have you been given medication/therapy? Hope you are getting all the help you need.

HBS x

AlexLK

FlubM wrote: »

Hi there. I NEVER post on this forum (no longer in debt) but do read it once in a while as it is full of sound advice even for those whose debts are dealt with.

A couple of things struck a cord with me. When we had our first child, we too started saving for her. With a second child on the way and DH about to be made redundant, we had a radical re-think and asked ourselves what benefit there would be to the children if we had heaps of money saved for them but lost their home. Since then we have paid every penny we could towards the mortgage and paid it off last year (13 years early). Now that I am being made redundant, this is one worry we don't have but we do hope to start saving again for the children once I am back in work.

One thing we NEVER did was to tie up money in the children's name. This was for two reasons: I knew what I would have done with it if I had been able to access a significant amount at a young age (and it wouldn't have been anything sensible), and we wanted to be able to access it in an emergency. If you do decide to continue saving for your son, I would suggest you make sure that YOU can access the money if needed (this also gives you flexibility if more children come along than you are planning for and you can't afford to put aside the same amount for the others!).

The other thing which struck a cord was the depression. It might not be the right thing for you but for me antidepressants worked really well in the short term: I wouldn't say I felt 100% normal but they did enable me to function at a time when my children were very young and needed me to be functioning (I had no side effects and no problems coming off them). I sometimes think we hear a lot of horror stories about antidepressants but maybe not enough from people like me for whom they were an absolute godsend: your choice of course, but perhaps worth considering.

Thank you for your advice.

We still don't know what to do about the money we have saved for our son. I know exactly where you are coming from with the "he won't do anything useful with it young", I was given a significant amount of money when I went to university at 18; it went on cars, rent on a city apartment that I really did not need and champagne parties. I short, yes I wasted it but had a wonderful time and look back very fondly at those years.

There are no more children planned, both my wife and I are the sort of people who cringe at the types of messes children make. As much as we love him, we are not going to deny these first few years of parenthood have not been easy. AT ALL.

I have been there before with antidepressants (and stronger pills) throughout a rather dark period in my life. I'd prefer not to go there again for personal reasons.

AlexLK

Mrs_A wrote: »

Alex, I understand you wanting to keep that 12.5K for your son but I really, really, really think you and Mrs K need to use this money to pay off some of your debts. There is no good having that money in that account for your son, at the age of 4, when you have 30k+ worth of debt. The sooner you clear that debt, the happier you will all be.

I honestly believe that if your son was old enough to know what was going on - or if he is ever told of this situation - he will have 100% wished that you used the 12.5K to sort this out.

You can start saving for him again - when you can actually afford it.

Thank you for the advice. Our little boy is 3 in a couple of months and I do understand where you are coming from. This is not the kind of thing we can make a snap decision on.

Mrs_A_2

Alex - I also look fondly on my years at 18, very fondly. But I didn't have the champagne lifestyle - I had enough to get me through University and survive like all the other students, and thats all I needed. This is not a judgement - I'm merely pointing out that your son doesn't need what you had to enjoy life just as much as you did. You make the best of whatever you have!

AlexLK

FBaby wrote: »

Hi Alex, I have read your thread, and I have to say felt quite confused with your situation. I couldn't make out whether your intention is just to learn to live a more frugal life and less stressful life all together, or whether you are only looking at getting rid of your debts therefore having no choice to do so for a time being. Are you looking at your business just giving you enough money to keep you going or are you hoping that it will become a very successful business so that you can once again earn well and spend as you used to.

You say you are still dealing with the depression and anxiety. Do you know why? You hinted that it was work related (as everything else in your life seems to be going well), so why is it still an issue? Is there actually more to it than just your previous work? If so, it might be worth tackling this as if/when your business pick up, you could once again find yourself struggling to deal with the demand?

Also, your wife seems very supportive, but as per paragraph above, do you know where she sees your future? You have hinted at the beginning of your thread that she was questioning whether you could go back to a job in your industry? Does this mean that although she is fully supportive at the moment, she sees your current situation as only temporary? Is she on a similar time frame than you?

In regards to your SOA, nothing much I can add to all the good advice provided already. Just one thing, that if you have been used to living quite well, there might quite a number of things you spend on that do not fall into any categories on your SOA. It is all these 'additional' costs that mean that my balance at the end of the month is not has high as I would wish. It's things like some activities we do (doing a round of golf), buy sport equipment, going out for the day and the sandwiches/ice-creams, it's the birthday presents for friends, the DVDs, books, beauty products, coffees when meeting up with friends, pints at the pub etc.... All these £10 here, £20 there... Are you sure you have accounted for all these?

Also, do take into consideration that children do cost more and more as they get older. They want to do activities, birthday parties (their own, and then all the presents you need to buy to the ones they are invited to), the outfits for these activities, the fuel to transport them there, the gradually more expensive toys they want etc...

Hello there,

I'm not surprise you are confused, I am still confused myself! No, really. To be honest I think we are trying to do a bit of both. I have acknowledged (and so has Mrs. K.) that some of the things we spend a lot of money on may not actually be worth it. So in part, a more frugal lifestyle is in order. However, I'm never going to be the kind of person who knits yoghurt and catches the bus!

The business is another thing we are in discussion over. I have finally told her that under no circumstances do I ever wish to return to a "normal" job again but by the same token we have also identified around £1650 per month's worth of extra income I could be making. I hope this goes somewhat towards answering the questions about my wife's plans.

As far as my health goes, the answer is that I'm not sure. A part of me wonders if it is just my personality; I cannot just let things go nor can I bare to see things 'out of order' - that is meant both literally and metaphorically.

Honestly, I'd not accounted for all the £10s here and £20s there. However, we are in the process of redoing our SOA together and trying to account for absolutely everything. Some of it has been crossed off as "stuff" we are most certainly NOT going to be doing again.

Today has so far been difficult - I've spent the morning not doing a lot, staring at things I am meant to be preparing to sell and hardly being able to face photographing them. I know this has got to be done but, for me, it is so very difficult. Reality is beginning to bite. On the plus side I've had a good hour or so dealing with work stuff ... if only to avoid the other "problem".

AlexLK

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Alex - have you been given medication/therapy? Hope you are getting all the help you need.

HBS x

See my previous post.

LannieDuck

Alex, you don't have to do it all this week. Obviously you can't put it off forever, but you only started this thread two days ago - give yourself a bit of time to get your head around everything. Maybe spend this week working out your SOA and your budgets etc, and plan to start your ebaying at the weekend?

AlexLK

Mrs_A wrote: »

Alex - I also look fondly on my years at 18, very fondly. But I didn't have the champagne lifestyle - I had enough to get me through University and survive like all the other students, and thats all I needed. This is not a judgement - I'm merely pointing out that your son doesn't need what you had to enjoy life just as much as you did. You make the best of whatever you have!

Is it so wrong to just want him to enjoy life young and have lots of experiences he may or may not have in his elder years?

Mrs. K.'s university years were very different to mine: she had little money, struggled with her course as a result of money worries (scraped a 2:2 which would get her nowhere these days), had to work part time (I worked too but only on my own terms), house shared which was a nightmare in itself and hardly ever got the opportunity to go out and let her hair down.

I, on the other hand, studied what many would call a "useless" degree (music) at both undergraduate and masters level, had the time of my life. On the third hand, I also wonder if my blissful uni years were the start of my own downfall. It is so very difficult knowing what to do for the best, isn't it?