Please Help.

wegle

As Lannie said, one step at a time. You took a huge step yesterday, and its a lot to deal with. I hate eBaying, so I set myself realistic targets. So this weekend I have to list 5 items. I must have about 500 items in total to list but when I look at it like that it's such a mammoth task and I just can't bear it, 5 items at a time though, more than manageable.

Set yourself one task to do this week. If you complete it and feel like you want to do more then great, however if you don't want to do more then at least you have still achieved what you set out to and can end the week positively.

AlexLK

Lannie / wegle - I think I am possibly making myself much more efficient than I actually am! I meant that I am beginning to look at things and wonder how I am ever going to be able to part company with them.

Luckily, I rather like eBay. Buying is much more fun, admitted but that's a post for another day.

wegle

AlexLK wrote: »

Is it so wrong to just want him to enjoy life young and have lots of experiences he may or may not have in his elder years?

Mrs. K.'s university years were very different to mine: she had little money, struggled with her course as a result of money worries (scraped a 2:2 which would get her nowhere these days), had to work part time (I worked too but only on my own terms), house shared which was a nightmare in itself and hardly ever got the opportunity to go out and let her hair down.

I, on the other hand, studied what many would call a "useless" degree (music) at both undergraduate and masters level, had the time of my life. On the third hand, I also wonder if my blissful uni years were the start of my own downfall. It is so very difficult knowing what to do for the best, isn't it?

Money doesn't always equal experiences though, and lack of it certainly doesn't mean that he will not achieve.

I studied at university, worked two jobs to make sure I got through, ate a lot of beans... However, I have a first class honours degree, I had an amazing uni experience, met some amazing people, did a lot of stupid things and really miss those days, when life was so much simpler. And I can take great pride in that I worked extremely hard to get through it. I loved working whilst at university as it gave me something away from studying, it was only bar and nightclub work but it was an excellent social outlet.

One of my most favourite memories of university is the day my housemates and I decided to take a day off, we all piled in the car and drove to the beach. We spent the day there, eating our packed lunch, playing football, listening and playing music and swimming in the ocean. Brrrr!!! Total cost of the day to me, about £1 in petrol and 50p for the sandwiches made at home. The experience was priceless though, spending time with people you love in a beautiful setting. I still remember it fondly and go back to that beach regularly.

So please remember that money or no money, your son will still have a life filled with wonderful experiences.

wegle

AlexLK wrote: »

Lannie / wegle - I think I am possibly making myself much more efficient than I actually am! I meant that I am beginning to look at things and wonder how I am ever going to be able to part company with them.

Luckily, I rather like eBay. Buying is much more fun, admitted but that's a post for another day.

Attachment is hard, especially when things are sentimental. When you're struggling with those thoughts try working out what it would cost you to keep those items. Not in a monetary sense but within your life as a whole; would the cost of your debt (and hence the keeping of your collection) cost you:

*your health?
*your marriage?
*your son's future?
*your's and Mrs K's future happiness?

At the very end of the day they are things, I know it's easy for me to say that as they're not mine, I've got things in my house that I would really struggle to part with but if I had to I would.

AlexLK

Thank you wegle and apologies in advance for the short reply!

There is a lot to think about and a lot to do which at the moment I feel rather overwhelmed by but not yet defeated. However, right now I must show partly willing to do some work whilst I have the opportunity to do so (son is at grandparents being spoiled utterly rotten)!

Goldiegirl

Good morning Alex.

I like a bit of eBaying myself, in fact my husbands nickname for me is The eBay Queen :rotfl:

Although it is fun, both buying and selling, there can be a lot of hard work involved, and if you are thinking of selling objects that have special meaning for you, it can be difficult to let go.

When my parents died, I brought back a lot of their stuff to my house, where it was stockpiled for several years. It took a while, but gradually I was able to sell most of it on eBay, leaving myself with just a few cherished items.

My suggestion is, don't try and do it all at once - start with a few bits that aren't so meaningful, and get those sold. When the things leave the house, you realise it's actually not that painful, and it sets the ball rolling, so it gets easier to let things go. Also, I like to think of other people enjoying the things that I've sold.

Then you'll end up with the few pieces you want to keep, which you can keep on display and enjoy them everyday.

At the time my dad died, my mum had dementia, so I had to deal with his estate, get the paperwork to deal with my mum's affairs, find a care home for my mum, and deal with their house and it's contents. In other words a task so big you don't know where to start.

How I coped with it, was to make sure I achieved something each day, even if it was something small, I just kept chipping away at it.

Our situations are different, but perhaps you can take forward a few ideas that might help in your situation.

Gotta go now, MSE is a great displacement activity, and I've got things I need to do !

LannieDuck

Do the easy items first. If you have a couple of pens/watches you're less attached to, do them first and don't worry about the others until the first lot sell. Then take a break from pens and clear out your wardrobe and put your designer clothes up. Or put some of your old car parts that you'll never use (if you have any) on ebay. Then come back to the pens.

I think a lot of people find debt reduction addictive. When you see your ebay earnings going to reduce your debt total, it makes it a lot, lot easier to keep going. And the items that you thought were going to be difficult you find you're actually keen to sell because they'll make a good amount of cash that you can throw at the debt.

As long as you're moving forwards, you can leave the harder bits until later.

Cakey06

Hi Alex,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, debt can be all consuming, its takes over your life and affects every aspect.
I only feel compelled to respond as my Husband recently tried to take his own life over debt he had accrued without me knowing, trying to keep up a pretence to keep his children from a previous marriage in gifts and outings through guilt laid on by his ex wife’s new partner buying them 37inch plasma tv’s for Christmas etc. It had happened before to a lesser extent and my parents bailed him out. I have been through so many emotions with it, I was so so angry with him for putting our future at risk and so hurt and upset at the deceit. I was devastated that he thought that it would be better for my sake that he weren’t here! We have spent much time talking and budgeting together, however I like your wife, want him to sort it (as I don’t think it's healthy that I control his finances, I don’t want to be his parent, I am his wife.) I want him to be able to be proud that he is taking control, and be transparent with our finances. I appreciate I don’t know the ins and outs of your situation however I think that your wife is being a little unfair, and it’s terrible that you think you don’t deserve her. Everyone deserves to be loved and be happy. Please don’t think that you don’t deserve your wife, of course you do! My husband thought this and while am grateful he appreciates my support I would never want him to think he didn’t deserve his wife over debts! We all make mistakes and you've realised yours and are working towards making it right.
I have realised while the debts are all my husband’s doing, I can’t expect him to just get on with it alone while I carry on living a different lifestyle, me knocking back the shiraz while he’s got his aldi squash how unfair, we're a partnership. If I want to stay with him and be happy I have got to make sacrifices alongside him. We've cut our shopping budget, by going to the supermarkets own brand rather than premium brands. I get my hair cut every 8 weeks instead of every month or every 6 weeks and I colour my own hair now. I subsidise some of the utility bills to enable him to pay towards his debts (he has 17k approx) this is my choice though. My mobile phone tariff is up in a few months and if I can’t save at least £15 from the bill I will be keeping the handset instead of upgrading and going to a sim only tariff. If your wife NEEDS the mobile phone for work purposes surely work should be paying for this? I have a mobile phone for work and work pay for it. As for a holiday, my husband loves camping, he took his children for a couple of days - I hate it, can’t understand why people pay to construct and deconstruct their own accommodation in a field, but each to their own! Having said this I am happy for him to go camping,(I have a few days peace) and forgo a holiday for a year or two, as in the grand scheme of things I’d rather make sacrifices now and help him get back of track so that we have a future together, otherwise we're just going to end up resenting each other and what’s the point in that?
Could you really not cut down on your present budget? Make a set amount and distribute it out, I do this for Christmas and put it is a spread sheet, I also approached some members of the extended family and said we're struggling a bit this year and are having to tighten our budget so please don’t get us anything - we exchanged a bottle of wine, no one was in the least bit offended! Your holiday budget is pretty sizable, there's a luxury holiday and a nice holiday, I’m sure if you took £500 or even a £1000 off that total you could still have a week away somewhere hot and very nice. £100 on wine and £50 on takeaways is also quite steep, could you not cut that down, purchase wine of offer or go for less expensive wine perhaps swap your takeaway for a Sainsbury’s dine in for 2 or something? I think that if you are genuinely making sacrifices then your wife needs to support that.
I know you really don’t want to sell your triumph but if you’re spending on your credit card it’s not really costing next to nothing to keep. What is it worth in comparison to your debts, would it pay them off? It may not come close but if it does is the peace of mind not worth more than the sentiment?
Apologies for being ignorant you may have already mentioned this but if you're having trouble making repayments on debts are you actually making any debt repayments to your credit cards? There are steps before being taken to court, they will help you to make reduced payments, and possibly lower the interest to assist you. We have spoken to step change who have managed to help my husband budget set up debt management plan, I can highly recommend them, and they were so incredibly helpful and easy to talk to. You say your wife is very unhappy about the situation but is on board, so she needs to actually get on board rather than carry on living her lifestyle while you're expected to have a separate. I was very unhappy about my husband’s situation, it has prevented us from saving to buy a property for possibly 10 years among other things. If you and your wife want to stay together it means a lifestyle change for you both.
I personally would be happier with my other half, than alone with my money. Marriage is for better or worse, forsaking all others. It’s working as a team.

Good Luck with everything! J

theoretica

AlexLK wrote: »

Is it so wrong to just want him to enjoy life young and have lots of experiences he may or may not have in his elder years?

Mrs. K.'s university years were very different to mine: she had little money, struggled with her course as a result of money worries (scraped a 2:2 which would get her nowhere these days), had to work part time (I worked too but only on my own terms), house shared which was a nightmare in itself and hardly ever got the opportunity to go out and let her hair down.

I, on the other hand, studied what many would call a "useless" degree (music) at both undergraduate and masters level, had the time of my life. On the third hand, I also wonder if my blissful uni years were the start of my own downfall. It is so very difficult knowing what to do for the best, isn't it?

My first thought is that this decision can wait a little - teach the boy to read first! But also it is worth teaching him to budget and prioritise - it is a really vital life skill, and, as you are discovering, doesn't appear by magic and does make money go much further.

Any way of making additional income out of your music?

debtbustingdeb

will be reading your diary and wish you well.

just a thought if you sold your pens and borrowed from your son this would clear your cc debts then when your loan is payed that £300 could be repaid to your son.

By offering final settlements you may not have to sell all your collection or borrow the full amount of your sons money.

By clearing the debt asap this will take alot of the stress out of your life. With only the challenge of paying your son back you might be able to concentrate on your business without the worry who's knocking on the door.

Still treat what ever you borrow as a debt but i'm sure it will drive you to pay it off asap because it is your son you will owe.

Had my LB moment in september and so glad i did but the journey comes with it's ups and downs. However fed up i get having no money i focus on next november when all going well i will make my last DMP payment. Can not wait for the pay day i don't have to pay any more debts. This site helps you i spent a long time lurking before joining. Has made me think that after my debts i want to become mortgage free.

Off to find your diary now.