OH Feeling 'Isolated'

victory

I was thinking about this thread today. How talking to the neighbours can develop into mutual interests, friendship, outings, or someone on the bus, small acorns....

So it got me thinking that lots of fleeting hellos, how are you often don't develop forward and are missed opportunities... There is a very friendly lady I often see on the bus, started with a smile, a hello, a chat about the weather and slowly now we chat away about anything and everything,we, get off at different stops and don't see each other off the bus...

She has often mentioned she would like to go to a large out of town shopping centre, not my cup of tea, far too big, noisy, so have never Gone out with her.... There is a fab Mexican eaterie there that I absolutely love, so I asked her if she would like to go with me.

She was delighted. Somehow, it turns out that she is excitedly looking forward to the shopping side, I'm not keen on that side but am definitely salivating over the thought of the Mexican lunch and we are both looking forward to a chat and a hope for a fuller friendship and more get togethers.

So, out of different ideas/ pastimes/ interests somehow a day out is very much being look forward to, small acorns....:D

Could happen to your OH

Lagoon

Right, apologies all. I've been away all day today, but I see that there are quite a few more questions and suggestions so I'm going to address a few now! Bear with me.

Lagoon

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Does he go to the football and the cricket? Ideal places for people to make friends when surrounded by like-minded people. Plus, it gets them out of the house on a weekend. Happy days.

He doesn't, unfortunately. He would LOVE to go to the football, but can't afford the tickets and supports a team based hours away. He gets to go to a match a year, maximum, when it's a local one and the tickets are bought as a gift.

paulineb wrote: »

if he likes a competitive sport, why not try bootcamp, hes not competing against other people as such but hes in a group setting. My local sports centre runs bootcamps every 3 months or so and there are always people in the community teaching outdoor bootcamp or metafit classes.

Unfortunately, he's never seemed interested in boot camp. A local group run one in our park every week, and he's occasionally watched as we've passed, but he's not competitive against himself in any way. He loves the thrill of competing against others.

I do know what you mean by obstacles, but also know that he seems to have such narrow interests that if he wasn't enjoying something, it would be very clear and he'd probably give it up.

There_Goes_Trouble wrote: »

If he's obese then how about a Weight watchers or Slimming world type class? I know they're often mainly women, but lots of women have husbands and conversations could lead to finding common interests etc. I don't know if you could go with him, but if you got chatting to other women there then that could lead to friendships with other couples.

He did do one of these, once. Another thing he was put off. He was a student at the time, and went along with a friend of ours. He was happy to go along for a few weeks, but I think at week three he gained some weight and got a sarcastic comment (or, at least, one that he took as being sarcastic), and he came home very angry!

Ruby_woo wrote: »

Hi there

One thing I have noticed from your posts is that you say he is obese, but that he walks 8 miles a day. If I have read that correctly then maybe he needs to see his dr? Could there be another issue? Xx

No, definitely no other issue. Excessive eating. He eats far, far more than he could successfully burn in a day, and has an office job sitting down which certainly doesn't help. That walking is all he does, and he can easily eat 5000 calories a day. Weight loss, like his social life, is something he'd love to work on, but he's so emotionally attached to food that if he doesn't get junk food he gets moody. I would LOVE for him to combine the two, like those Slimming World groups or boot camp as mentioned above, but he's not the type to do anything that he's not interested in, which is why I said he'd reject 99+% of the ideas put forward in this thread!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

What's he actually like at those parties - does he engage, or does he sit in the corner with the tortilla chips and guacamole bowl protecting him from having to interact with anybody?

maman wrote: »

I started reading the thread yesterday and I am a little confused.:o These parties that he's been 'excluded' from, are they parties just for blokes? Would he be going alone?

I'm sure the OP is well-meaning but she seems to talk about her partner as if he's a child that she's worried about and wants help with. It's a bit like mums who post saying their child hasn't been invited to a birthday party.

Lots of people have suggested activities that he might be interested in but they're not necessarily where you'll make long term friendships. Isn't something to do enough? If he's talking to people at home and at work isn't the odd casual conversation enough?

I do hope I've not come across the wrong way in this thread (and reading back, I think I make him sound terrible too - he's not!). As I said, I'm not intending on 'getting involved' and don't want to sound like a parent. This thread also wasn't intended to be about that party, though I mentioned it for situation background. It was more to ask for ideas about how you meet new people.

He's definitely not the 'hide in the corner' type. When he's social, he's very social and often the life and soul of the party. He loves get-togethers and always gets on well with people once he's out there, but he feels that actually starting new friendships isn't easy any more.

The parties aren't 'just for blokes', and in fact this group of friends consists mostly of girls, but he would be going alone if he were going. The idea is that he wants an independent social life, with something to do without me (which I totally understand - I need an occasional movie night at home, to keep me sane!). At the moment we do a lot together, but I'm the 'happy in my own company' type, and have my own interests. He likes partying, I don't. I AM the one that sits in the corner with the nachos!

To me, casual work conversation and time with him would be plenty, but for him it's not.



I do know that it's not my job to fix, and I am worried now that I've come across as some over-protective busybody which isn't what I was hoping for at all, but just wish I could come up with a suggestion that he says yes to!

Nynaeve

Comfort eating, feeling lonely, and not wanting to do anything? Could he possibly be depressed?

paulineb_2

The problem is, if he knocks back every suggestion you or anyone else makes, hes not going to meet new people is he?

When you do a sport like triathlon, you are competing against other people, I did a 12 week bootcamp and then a race day

The thing is, not every single social thing everyone does is going to fill us all with joy, there are days I literally drag my backside out of bed to go and do an exercise class, but its getting me out and its good for me.

Some bootcamps are more competitive than others, you'll get ones where people work in teams, maybe something like british military fitness

Also, if he loves competitve sport why isnt he doing any? There must be something, somewhere that he can tap into.

Forgive me if I seem rude because Im not meant to be but I think hes doing a great job of sabotaging everything that might do him some good, exercise, healthy eating.

I dont love walking either, but I joined a walking group because Im aware of the benefits to my fitness as well as the fact that it lets you meet new people.

paulineb_2

Nynaeve wrote: »

Comfort eating, feeling lonely, and not wanting to do anything? Could he possibly be depressed?

That had also crossed my mind.

Brighton_belle

The thing is, friendships come from the most unlikely sources and I think looking for activities to join with the expectation you'll make friends in the first few weeks won't be realistic. Starting from scratch, it may take a year of going to something to build friendships.

I think you've explained yourself well OP, especially in your recent post. All you can really do it keep trying suggestions, but something has to 'click' for him to want to give it a go... and keep at it.
As Pauline says, it can be a real slog and is rarely handed to you on a plate. He has to participate in creating his own happiness and finding solutions.

paulineb_2

Would be my idea of hell, but he might like it

http://toughmudder.co.uk/about/

Lagoon

Nynaeve wrote: »

Comfort eating, feeling lonely, and not wanting to do anything? Could he possibly be depressed?

No, I don't imagine so. As I say, this thread has made him sound much more miserable than he is. He just has very, very limited interests and has been feeling a bit isolated which became a bigger deal yesterday evening after what he saw on Facebook.

He's generally and usually a very happy person, and with money he'd love a football season ticket, he'd love to go out any buy more console games, he'd love to go bowling, he'd love to visit his old 'local' pub where he knows everyone and feels comfortable just turning up alone...lots of options, but nothing he can do without spending more than he's got.

His overeating isn't so much comfort eating in that he's generally happy, but it's habit. I have tried suggesting that he could travel into the city, go to the pub and not spend a small fortune on drinks, but he says that if he's at the pub then he won't feel right not drinking. I would have also suggested that he eat less to save money for other things, but he genuinely manages to eat all this despite spending a maximum of £10 a week, as he buys Value junk foods, so even the possibility of cutting down eating to socialise isn't going to help him find money he doesn't have.

Lagoon

paulineb wrote: »

Would be my idea of hell, but he might like it

http://toughmudder.co.uk/about/

:rotfl:

He actually mentioned the other day that he'd like to do that 'one day'. I think a work colleague has just done one, and he's really interested in it. Not sure at his current fitness level that it's anywhere near close, though. And he won't do the training as he 'hates exercise' and won't even do bootcamp style stuff.

If he could jump straight in to a famous event like this, with no training, and could finish and come away with a medal, he would do it I'm sure.