OH Feeling 'Isolated'

Lagoon

CH27 wrote: »

Are you National Trust members?
They run lots of stuff at their various properties throughout the year.

We aren't, but it might be something to look into if you think it'll be a chance to meet people?

I used to get a couple of free passes per year with Natwest, but admittedly we never used them and I think they've stopped doing them now.

I only went to a National Trust property once, and the price to get in was so high that I quickly ran in the opposite direction, so I really don't know much about them.

It does need to be somewhere that he can meet new people, though. It's not that he and I don't do things and enjoy our time together. I think he just needs to speak to people other than me, once in a while. At the same time as loving each other and enjoying that quality time, we have very different interests and it doesn't matter how much he talks to me about football and cricket, because I'm never going to be able to fake interest.

CH27

Lagoon wrote: »

We aren't, but it might be something to look into if you think it'll be a chance to meet people?

I used to get a couple of free passes per year with Natwest, but admittedly we never used them and I think they've stopped doing them now.

I only went to a National Trust property once, and the price to get in was so high that I quickly ran in the opposite direction, so I really don't know much about them.

It does need to be somewhere that he can meet new people, though. It's not that he and I don't do things and enjoy our time together. I think he just needs to speak to people other than me, once in a while. At the same time as loving each other and enjoying that quality time, we have very different interests and it doesn't matter how much he talks to me about football and cricket, because I'm never going to be able to fake interest.

NT has couples membership for about £70 per year.
It gives you free access to all their properties.

http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/visit/whats-on/find-an-event/

Enter your postcode on the link & see what's available.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Lagoon wrote: »

We aren't, but it might be something to look into if you think it'll be a chance to meet people?

I used to get a couple of free passes per year with Natwest, but admittedly we never used them and I think they've stopped doing them now.

I only went to a National Trust property once, and the price to get in was so high that I quickly ran in the opposite direction, so I really don't know much about them.

It does need to be somewhere that he can meet new people, though. It's not that he and I don't do things and enjoy our time together. I think he just needs to speak to people other than me, once in a while. At the same time as loving each other and enjoying that quality time, we have very different interests and it doesn't matter how much he talks to me about football and cricket, because I'm never going to be able to fake interest.

Does he go to the football and the cricket? Ideal places for people to make friends when surrounded by like-minded people. Plus, it gets them out of the house on a weekend. Happy days.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

CH27 wrote: »

NT has couples membership for about £70 per year.
It gives you free access to all their properties.

http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/visit/whats-on/find-an-event/

Enter your postcode on the link & see what's available.

I'm trying to think if I've ever actually 'met' someone as a result of my national trust membership...Nope...not once. It's usually families or oldies. Very few 'like-minded' people unless they are hiding it under a bushel.

*Although the course I was on when I met my business partner was on a NT premises, it was arranged through work.

paulineb_2

You can start a meet up group if there isnt anything local in your area. Its not v expensive and some of the meet ups Ive been to Ive paid a quid or so to reimburse people for their fees. And meet up might reach more people than putting up posters or cards in the local area.

I can assure you that there are all shapes and sizes of people who play football. He seems to be putting obstacles in his own way. Also if he likes a competitive sport, why not try bootcamp, hes not competing against other people as such but hes in a group setting. My local sports centre runs bootcamps every 3 months or so and there are always people in the community teaching outdoor bootcamp or metafit classes.

Or if he goes and watches football he could find out if that team has an unofficial fans team. My brother has been playing football with a team of supporters who support our local football club for 11 years now. In that team there are all ages, from early 20s to mid 40s and all shapes and sizes.

I did a triathlon last year and again, there were people of all shapes and sizes, sometimes you need to shove yourself out of your comfort bubble and do things you wouldnt normally do.

Or see if he can get out and volunteer. I volunteered for a year for the red cross and while it didnt bring loads of new people knocking at my door, it got me out and it helped my confidence and also gave me something else to put on my CV

Always groups looking for volunteers, sure theres plenty of opportunities to work with youth groups etc and lots of youth groups look for people to help with sports coaching.

I also did a fitness qualification in 2007 and I know you said your OH is obese, Im certainly not slim, the cost can vary but you can be a qualified fitness instructor in about 2 months and that would also open up other opportunities as well. Something to think about for the future if he feels he might not be able to do it now.



He can ask the group of friends on facebook why hes being excluded, they might not realise they've upset him. Sitting wondering why wont help.

I also agree, people arent going to knock your door. Ive become far less sociable over the years because I suffered from anxiety due to workplace issues and it affected my confidence massively.

I decided at the beginning of this year that I needed to do something about it. Meet up helped me massively, I also see people I know locally, Ive probably been out more this year than I have in the last 5 and Im certainly not out every weekend.

lostinrates

Lagoon wrote: »

Dog shows sound like an interesting idea, thanks.

We have two dog rescue places within easy reach, and both say that they are overwhelmed by the number of people wanting to volunteer, and that they don't have any availability to work with the dogs but are always looking for fundraisers to join them doing supermarket bag-packing and posting leaflets.

I'm it sure that'll be quite the same experience for him. No doubt he'd make friends but he needs something more to motivate him, too. I'll look into dog shows for him, and see if there are any locally to go to.

Dog showING is extremely companionable, but more when showing than when going to. Or just becoming actively involved in a breed society. At shows you get benched next to the same people so you get to know them quite well, and you chat over the years. Lots of people go knowing they won't do 'that' well but for the social aspect. But you said the killer word...'local'. People travel miles and miles and miles. Crack of dawn starts ....pre dawn starts, for out of area shows, or overnight stays.

That said, of it contributes to your oh's improved health and emotional well being, might all be worth it? He will need to be able to run to run up a dog if he shows, and would need to find a 'localish' ring craft class (that in its self would be quite social. He might even be asked to exhibit other people's dogs. I'm trying to decide if I can work up the enthusiasm to take a not top quality but decent enough dog out for a few outings. Tbh, the social side puts me off:rotfl:


Edit: the other thing I'd say is much of it stays dog focused.many people are 'mad dog owners' whereas I would describe dh and i as mad people people who live with dogs in the family. We love the dogs, dearly, but like other topics of conversation too. Lots of other dog show people are multi interest too but often it stays very dog focused by the very nature of the environment.


I'm not sure after thought I would do it to make friends, though one can make friends doing it, if you see what I mean.

There_Goes_Trouble

If he's obese then how about a Weight watchers or Slimming world type class? I know they're often mainly women, but lots of women have husbands and conversations could lead to finding common interests etc. I don't know if you could go with him, but if you got chatting to other women there then that could lead to friendships with other couples.

Ruby_woo

Hi there

One thing I have noticed from your posts is that you say he is obese, but that he walks 8 miles a day. If I have read that correctly then maybe he needs to see his dr? Could there be another issue? Xx

maman

I started reading the thread yesterday and I am a little confused.:o These parties that he's been 'excluded' from, are they parties just for blokes? Would he be going alone?

I'm sure the OP is well-meaning but she seems to talk about her partner as if he's a child that she's worried about and wants help with. It's a bit like mums who post saying their child hasn't been invited to a birthday party.

Surely if he's that bothered then a simple message on facebook or a call/text to one of his friends is enough to either get himself invited or at least clear up what's going on. Is he bothered about being obese? If he wants to do something about that he could join a slimming club but if that doesn't appeal then why not try myfitnesspal? OP would likely need to be involved here as menu planning, shopping and cooking involved for the whole household.

Lots of people have suggested activities that he might be interested in but they're not necessarily where you'll make long term friendships. Isn't something to do enough? If he's talking to people at home and at work isn't the odd casual conversation enough?

I know I may be coming across as harsh and uncaring. I'm not. My advice would be to let him sort himself out but if he really wants help then be prepared to give up your time to go places with him. It might not make him friends but it might cheer him up if he needs it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

maman wrote: »

I started reading the thread yesterday and I am a little confused.:o These parties that he's been 'excluded' from, are they parties just for blokes? Would he be going alone?

I'm sure the OP is well-meaning but she seems to talk about her partner as if he's a child that she's worried about and wants help with. It's a bit like mums who post saying their child hasn't been invited to a birthday party.

Surely if he's that bothered then a simple message on facebook or a call/text to one of his friends is enough to either get himself invited or at least clear up what's going on. Is he bothered about being obese? If he wants to do something about that he could join a slimming club but if that doesn't appeal then why not try myfitnesspal? OP would likely need to be involved here as menu planning, shopping and cooking involved for the whole household.

Lots of people have suggested activities that he might be interested in but they're not necessarily where you'll make long term friendships. Isn't something to do enough? If he's talking to people at home and at work isn't the odd casual conversation enough?

I know I may be coming across as harsh and uncaring. I'm not. My advice would be to let him sort himself out but if he really wants help then be prepared to give up your time to go places with him. It might not make him friends but it might cheer him up if he needs it.

What's he actually like at those parties - does he engage, or does he sit in the corner with the tortilla chips and guacamole bowl protecting him from having to interact with anybody?



I've encountered people quite often that, for whatever reason, refuse to engage even when you take the time to try and involve them in conversation or an activity. Eventually, you give up because, even when you try and tell yourself that they must be shy and uncomfortable, it does feel like that person just doesn't like you but doesn't have the balls to say it. OR he becomes an overcompensating, insufferable person, drinks too much, warbles on about playing on his X-Box, complains about why nobody likes him, etc.


Which could answer why he hasn't been invited again.




Whatever it is, it's his problem, he's an adult - you can't fix it for him by asking people over for playdates. He has to stop making excuses and get off his backside, away from that computer and find the real world for himself.