OH Feeling 'Isolated'

Funky_Bold_Ribena

I moved away from my friends 16 years ago, and they all meet up regularly and still host gigs etc and it is very upsetting but...I moved not them and they still invite me to parties even though I've only been to one in all that time. I do live about 4 hours drive away though.

About meeting new people, I'm afraid they rarely knock on your door so you have to leave the house to find them. Mine have been found through college, hobbies, general going places and chatting, and on courses. My current business partner and best mate was found after sitting next to her on a course I blagged a place on to support a colleague. I'm so glad I did as although it upset one person as she didn't have space for me, it changed both our lives forever. He just has to get out the house one way or another if he wants to make new friends.

Lagoon

Person_one wrote: »

Slightly controversial, but what about meeting people online through his gaming hobby? That's been a lifeline for some isolated/socially anxious people from what I can gather. It doesn't need to mean giving up on 'real life' friendships, but its some social contact rather than none.

The problem is, it's all Xbox gaming, with the only 'social contact' being abusive, screaming teenagers.

He's not into MMOs etc.

There are some great gaming groups around the country, where people actually meet up and chat/play games, but none near us as I've looked extensively before.

Ugh, it's awkward. It's never been a major issue before, so we've often discussed him meeting new people but it's never felt so important. He's taken this party thing to heart this evening.

victory

Lagoon wrote: »

The problem is, it's all Xbox gaming, with the only 'social contact' being abusive, screaming teenagers.

He's not into MMOs etc.

There are some great gaming groups around the country, where people actually meet up and chat/play games, but none near us as I've looked extensively before.

Ugh, it's awkward. It's never been a major issue before, so we've often discussed him meeting new people but it's never felt so important. He's taken this party thing to heart this evening.

Do you have friends that you could bring to the house and their OH so they could meet. One way to get in ...

Probably not the best suggestion at all but if you know his local meet up friends who have stopped inviting him.... Could you ask them why? Probably not going to go down well with your OH but could you.

danih

Explore the dog idea - if its a house rental issue, I've always rented, always in homes with no pets clauses. The landlord and estate agents (way too many rentals! - 2 degrees, so a lot of student lets) have been content with a verbal agreement that the dog/cat/guinea pigs/rabbits/hamster is fine, but must go as per rental agreement if neighbours complain, or damage is done to house. Still get a lot of jokes about guinea pig recipes from both landlord and estate agent, in current and last tenancy. Obviously this leeway only works with reasonable landlord, and if you keep house well, have good history paying rent etc.

Some dogs are also better then others for people with allergies as they barely shed westies and yorkies.
I'm in a similar position to your oh, walking ths dog every day has given me a opportunity to develop a friendly relationship with my neighbour s and other dog walkers that wouldn't have existed otherwise

Lagoon

victory wrote: »

Do you have friends that you could bring to the house and their OH so they could meet. One way to get in ...

Probably not the best suggestion at all but if you know his local meet up friends who have stopped inviting him.... Could you ask them why? Probably not going to go down well with your OH but could you.

I could ask the friends, as I know them too, but don't want to come across as the interfering wife fighting his battle for him. I'd feel like a mum in the school playground.

As I say, no friends I can invite really. I'm not particularly social by choice, as at this stage I'm happy just spending my free time keeping to myself. My best friend is the only person I see fairly often, and is the wife of his best friend, and so it tends to be that if they're available we all meet up together, but they're busy parents and both working full time and doing all sorts of travelling and family stuff at the weekends, so we don't spend anywhere near as much time together as we used to.

I do see her more on her own, but only because I have flexible working hours and so, to some extent, does she. That means that if she takes a day off work she'll usually arrange to meet up with me. As OH works full time, and long hours, he doesn't get that opportunity. That probably doesn't help, either.

Maybe he just needs someone to join his company that doesn't do a 2 hour commute every day. It seems our town is the place everyone wants to travel to, but at the end of the day they go home immediately and he's in the office for a couple of hours longer.

Lagoon

danih wrote: »

Explore the dog idea - if its a house rental issue, I've always rented, always in homes with no pets clauses. The landlord and estate agents (way too many rentals! - 2 degrees, so a lot of student lets) have been content with a verbal agreement that the dog/cat/guinea pigs/rabbits/hamster is fine, but must go as per rental agreement if neighbours complain, or damage is done to house. Still get a lot of jokes about guinea pig recipes from both landlord and estate agent, in current and last tenancy. Obviously this leeway only works with reasonable landlord, and if you keep house well, have good history paying rent etc.

Some dogs are also better then others for people with allergies as they barely shed westies and yorkies.
I'm in a similar position to your oh, walking ths dog every day has given me a opportunity to develop a friendly relationship with my neighbour s and other dog walkers that wouldn't have existed otherwise

Thanks, I do think I'm going to have to keep suggesting dog-walking. I think he'd really enjoy it, and it would help him socialise, but he seems against it for some reason.

It is a rental issue, unfortunately. It was a 'no pets' property, we managed to negotiate a non free-roaming pet after a couple of years of living here, but the landlord is very against cats and dogs, as many are. It's a definite no-go, though he would adore a dog of his own.

Person_one

Please remember though, while you care about him he is responsible for his own happiness. At some point, you might just have to leave him to it!

aileth

I can't help, but ill be watching this thread with interest as my OH lost all his friends for different reasons and I'm wanting to desperately help him get more as he also feels very alone/isolated.

Lagoon

Person_one wrote: »

Please remember though, while you care about him he is responsible for his own happiness. At some point, you might just have to leave him to it!

Yes, of course.

Thank you, everyone. I know that he ultimately needs to find something he wants to do, get out there and do it, but with his only obvious interests being gaming and watching sport it's tough to even help him with suggestions.

I'm sure he'll at least be thinking more clearly in the morning, and I might mention the dog-walking thing once more and will try and get speaking to the neighbours a little more, but I know you're right and I can only do so much in the way if making suggestions.

I think this event tonight has just caused him so much bother because he's been feeling for a while that he's been drifting away from one group of friends, and has now been left out by the other group. He's always enjoyed meeting with these people, and now he's seen them all planning things without him. It all seems so childish, but I guess I'd feel the same if I were in his position.

Lagoon

aileth wrote: »

I can't help, but ill be watching this thread with interest as my OH lost all his friends for different reasons and I'm wanting to desperately help him get more as he also feels very alone/isolated.

Complicated, isn't it? It's not that he and I don't do things together, but we both really value our independence and I'm sure he wants to continue meeting up with friends, talking about sport, gossiping about his wife...