OH Feeling 'Isolated'

Poppy_Jane_Parka

Hi similar issue for us- we have returned to my home town which is rather rural. DH works in a bank and other than the manager is only male there, will try some of the suggestions above too!

There_Goes_Trouble

Trouble is, new friends rarely come knocking on your door so in order to meet people, your OH will need to get out and about a bit more.

Exercise doesn't have to be about competitive sport. How about going for walks together, or finding a local group? Ramblers? Exercise is good for you and personally I think people should do some exercise for that reason alone, even if they don't like it, but that's a different discussion.

Why don't you look into 'meet up' and/or 'spice'? You could go together initially until you've got to know some people.

If you want to get back in with the group of friends who are having the parties, then have a party at your house. Ignore what has happened recently, invite them round and see who turns up. Then keep in touch after. You don't know and he won't ask why he's been excluded, it might be nothing, or perhaps there are others wanting to break the ice but feeling awkward. You could make the first move. Or, go on Facebook and where it's being talked about write 'is this a private party or can anyone come?' With appropriate smiley faces.... If they really didn't want him to know about it they wouldn't plaster it all over Facebook!

Basically though, I think your OH will have to make some effort here to be sociable. It's difficult when it doesn't come naturally but it is a skill you can learn and it gets easier the more you do it. And yes, I speak from experience!

Lagoon

There_Goes_Trouble wrote: »

Trouble is, new friends rarely come knocking on your door so in order to meet people, your OH will need to get out and about a bit more.

Exercise doesn't have to be about competitive sport. How about going for walks together, or finding a local group? Ramblers? Exercise is good for you and personally I think people should do some exercise for that reason alone, even if they don't like it, but that's a different discussion.

Why don't you look into 'meet up' and/or 'spice'? You could go together initially until you've got to know some people.

If you want to get back in with the group of friends who are having the parties, then have a party at your house. Ignore what has happened recently, invite them round and see who turns up. Then keep in touch after. You don't know and he won't ask why he's been excluded, it might be nothing, or perhaps there are others wanting to break the ice but feeling awkward. You could make the first move. Or, go on Facebook and where it's being talked about write 'is this a private party or can anyone come?' With appropriate smiley faces.... If they really didn't want him to know about it they wouldn't plaster it all over Facebook!

Basically though, I think your OH will have to make some effort here to be sociable. It's difficult when it doesn't come naturally but it is a skill you can learn and it gets easier the more you do it. And yes, I speak from experience!

Thanks.

I did look into Meet Up, but unfortunately there's nothing in our local area. Just one group, for women, within a ten mile radius.

As for walking, he does walk eight miles a day for commuting, but absolutely hates walking for leisure. I often go walking, but on my own as he dislikes it so much, and so I know this is definitely not something he'd want to try with a group of strangers, unfortunately. A shame, as I think walkers are in the whole friendly and sociable people, based on my own experiences.

Of course, I agree with what you say about sport. He does like competitive team sports, but it needs to be competitive and 'teamy' to interest him. I know he would love to play football with a team, but the fact is that he's morbidly obese and there aren't any teams that would take him. When we moved to the area he spent months trying to set a team up, on the premise that you had to be useless or not care about the fact that the rest of your team might be. He posted just about everywhere locally, and didn't get a single response, so that's the one idea he had out of the window.

It all sounds so silly to talk about, as it makes it sound as though he's not a sociable person and is really anxious but this has never been the case before. It's only since we moved three years ago that he's not been socialising outside these two groups of friends, as he's found it hard to start making friends again as an adult.

Short of moving back to the city (which I don't want to do as we live in a beautiful town now, and I left the city on 'bad terms' having felt unsafe for a while), I don't know what I can do to get him meeting people other than me. Travelling into the city is too expensive for him to fit into his budget regularly, but I know that he prefers this area, too.

Problem is that his first group of friends are no longer young and carefree, as they have families and responsibilities, and the second group have just stopped inviting him to things. I agree that I'm sure it's not intentionally malicious, but I do think it's just triggered him to get upset as he's been feeling isolated for the last three years. I think he's hurt that they just wouldn't have 'thought' naturally to invite him, as he's always been a part of their group.

Still, he seems a little happier this morning which no doubt gives me more time to nudge him to consider other ideas.

bagpussbear

Shame your OH's friends didn't invite him to these parties, it may be they are just not thinking, but I think he should try and find out why?

But I would ask is it really that important to him to have local friends? The reason I say that is that I moved away 200+ miles a year ago, from all my friends and I don't feel the need to have another social circle of friends here too. I've got hubby, my son, and some 'friends' at work, but that's enough for me. And I pop back down to London periodically to see friends, and invite them up here.

Could you invite the 'old' friends up to your place more?

Lagoon

bagpussbear wrote: »

Shame your OH's friends didn't invite him to these parties, it may be they are just not thinking, but I think he should try and find out why?

But I would ask is it really that important to him to have local friends? The reason I say that is that I moved away 200+ miles a year ago, from all my friends and I don't feel the need to have another social circle of friends here too. I've got hubby, my son, and some 'friends' at work, but that's enough for me. And I pop back down to London periodically to see friends, and invite them up here.

Could you invite the 'old' friends up to your place more?

We do invite them as often as possible, but with families and full-time work they often want to spend the weekends doing 'family things'. Like I say, OH works long hours and so does his best friend, which means that weekends are the only time he has available and this is often when his friends want to be with their kids, nowadays. If I'm socialising with my best friend, who's the wife of his best friend, we can only ever really meet during the week when their child is at nursery and she can take time away from work. It's an option I have, but he doesn't have flexible hours and nor does this other guy. That's not to say they don't visit on occasion, but it's rare nowadays and I don't think it's 'enough' for him. He misses those earlier days when he could meet with friends every weekend.

I agree with you in that I personally have never felt the need to have more 'local' friends, but he always WAS such a sociable person that I think he finds it difficult not having people to meet with as often.

bagpussbear

Lagoon wrote: »

We do invite them as often as possible, but with families and full-time work they often want to spend the weekends doing 'family things'. Like I say, OH works long hours and so does his best friend, which means that weekends are the only time he has available and this is often when his friends want to be with their kids, nowadays. If I'm socialising with my best friend, who's the wife of his best friend, we can only ever really meet during the week when their child is at nursery and she can take time away from work. It's an option I have, but he doesn't have flexible hours and nor does this other guy. That's not to say they don't visit on occasion, but it's rare nowadays and I don't think it's 'enough' for him. He misses those earlier days when he could meet with friends every weekend.

I agree with you in that I personally have never felt the need to have more 'local' friends, but he always WAS such a sociable person that I think he finds it difficult not having people to meet with as often.

I understand, can be difficult to fix meet ups when we have family commitments and work long hours in the week.

I do hope he gets to the bottom of why his local chums didn't invite him to these parties, perhaps its just a misunderstanding about something and it can blow over, as this seems the easiest solution for your OH.

CH27

Facebook can be very upsetting at times.
People see what's happening without them & hurts them.

Could he make contact with the local group & arrange to do something with them? If they decline then he knows it's over & he can delete them from FB.

You say he loves dogs. Could he volunteer at a local animal rescue place?
Lots of places have regular dog shows. Could you go there & mix with people?

Lagoon

CH27 wrote: »

Facebook can be very upsetting at times.
People see what's happening without them & hurts them.

Could he make contact with the local group & arrange to do something with them? If they decline then he knows it's over & he can delete them from FB.

You say he loves dogs. Could he volunteer at a local animal rescue place?
Lots of places have regular dog shows. Could you go there & mix with people?

Dog shows sound like an interesting idea, thanks.

We have two dog rescue places within easy reach, and both say that they are overwhelmed by the number of people wanting to volunteer, and that they don't have any availability to work with the dogs but are always looking for fundraisers to join them doing supermarket bag-packing and posting leaflets.

I'm it sure that'll be quite the same experience for him. No doubt he'd make friends but he needs something more to motivate him, too. I'll look into dog shows for him, and see if there are any locally to go to.

CH27

Are you National Trust members?
They run lots of stuff at their various properties throughout the year.

Prothet_of_Doom

According to my wife and kids, I have no friends. I also don't do facebook. I have lots of aquantances, from being in a ten pin bowling league, and from going indoor climbing. I wouldn't imagine that any of these people would ever invite me to a party. Someone at the place I'm contracting at is organising an evening out in a restaurant, and quite frankly I'm going but I don't really want to.

The people I consider to be my friends I haven't met up with in 10 years, but I still talk to them via email and phone, but not frequently. I'm not sure if they would consider me to be a friend or an aquantance.

I think for the OP's OH it's really a case of being happy with your own company, doing things you like, and maybe when you do meet people you kind of like, invite them and thier wife to a BBq or whatever.