Freeloading friend!

paulineb_2

bestpud wrote: »

This thread has helped a lot - sometimes I just need people to say what I'm thinking!

She had the nerve to ask you if you could help her out because she had put too much money into her savings account and didnt have enough money in her current account.

She has a brass neck. Theres nothing wrong with saving and if she feels comfortable putting money into savings, fine, but she needs to leave herself enough to live on.

If you dont have enough money, you dont go out. I dont go out every week, its usually once every 3 weeks or so, sometimes a bit more, but my friends, who dont have much money either, we put money aside for travel, we buy our own drink, its fine that way.

Seriously, you break open a £10 note and her eyes light up because her daughter is thirsty so you have to buy the kid a drink, because the place you are in doesnt take cards?

She has legs, she could walk to a cashpoint. The amount of emotional energy you must be investing in this friendship will be wearing you out.

I couldnt do it, I could not go out with a so called mate not knowing whether they were going to turn up for a meal out or a drink out with enough cash to cover their share of the bill, when they do have the cash but they just dont want to spend it.

Why should you pay just because shes mean?

Sensibility

I agree with most of the posts, especially with Pauline's.
Bestpud, I think that it might be time to call it a day with this friendship. She sounds devious and manipulative, not really a friend at all.

bestpud

Money is her worst point by a long shot - if we take money out of the equation, she really is a good person and we get on well.

That's what has blurred things for so long I think.

paulineb_2

I had a couple of friends back in the day who were hard work and just users.
One girl I really did like, but she was working part time, I wasnt, I was at uni and I couldnt find a part time job. She borrowed clothes from me, I never saw them again.

I did lend her money on occasion but I got it back, but there was always a drama. When she stopped talking to me, totally out of the blue, she met someone else who could drive, I was actually friends with the other girl as well, but not so much since we left school, she used to ask this girl to drive her places. She told the other friend that I had borrowed money from her and didnt give it back and that was repeated, as if. I spoke to the second girl after meeting her randomly and she told me that friend one used to phone her at all times of the day and night looking for lifts when she couldnt be bothered to get the bus home. You use one person, you'll use another.

My mum almost flipped her lid one night when I told her she had asked to borrow money from me again and she said no way are you giving it (this was before the friendship finished).

I did miss her, even so, we had some good times, but by god was I glad the drama was over, there was always some drama with her.

Another friend borrowed a sum of money from me, £15 or £20 quid, not a great amount and I never got it back. She worked, she was better off than me, but when I saw her afterwards I just thought, you asked me for money and I didnt get it back (and I did ask and she made half hearted promises to repay it). I wasnt broken hearted when that friendship ended either.

Some people are just unreliable, some people would take from anyone who had it and it has always been my experience that someone who borrowed money or clothes from me and didnt give them back, tended to be unreliable in different ways as well, cancelling nights out at the last minute etc, not turning up for nights out and no phone call.

You can only take so much of that before you get to the point where you think you would rather have no mates than mates like that.

paulineb_2

bestpud wrote: »

Money is her worst point by a long shot - if we take money out of the equation, she really is a good person and we get on well.

That's what has blurred things for so long I think.

The problem is, her attitude to money is hurting the friendship

Its completely disrespectful to you. Why on earth does she think its ok for you to spend your cash on her just because shes worried about being in debt again and salting away every spare penny she has? And its not just you, its other friends as well. Id be really interested to find out what mutual friends think of this woman.

One of my friends used to earn something like 90 grand a year, will be well more now, I was on about 26 at the time.

But I always paid my way. Id never ever have thought, oh shes got money and Ive less so she'll pay for me.

If you really do want to stay friends with this woman, go to her house or have her come to yours, dont go anywhere where you have to spend cash, maybe she'll get the message.

bestpud

paulineb wrote: »

The problem is, her attitude to money is hurting the friendship

Its completely disrespectful to you. Why on earth does she think its ok for you to spend your cash on her just because shes worried about being in debt again and salting away every spare penny she has? And its not just you, its other friends as well. Id be really interested to find out what mutual friends think of this woman.

One of my friends used to earn something like 90 grand a year, will be well more now, I was on about 26 at the time.

But I always paid my way. Id never ever have thought, oh shes got money and Ive less so she'll pay for me.

If you really do want to stay friends with this woman, go to her house or have her come to yours, dont go anywhere where you have to spend cash, maybe she'll get the message.

I know and I am going to put some distance between us.

My husband and I wonder what others think, especially the one who refused to share food with her, as that's out of character. The only possible explanation is she felt put on.

I don't want to bring it up with others though as that feels wrong.

I guess it will be interesting to see what happens when I back off.

paulineb_2

bestpud wrote: »

I know and I am going to put some distance between us.

My husband and I wonder what others think, especially the one who refused to share food with her, as that's out of character. The only possible explanation is she felt put on.

I don't want to bring it up with others though as that feels wrong.

I guess it will be interesting to see what happens when I back off.

Or maybe your friend had a lightbulb moment, thought shes a cheapskate who can actually afford to pay for herself but doesnt want to and why should I be giving her food Ive bought and paid for.

Anne_Marie_2

Unfortunately, no matter what, there are always users, and it's just as well to be able to spot them early on and learn.

My boyfriend had plenty of mates, because he was always buying the drinks. I eventually had to mention it to him, because I always paid my way, and just could not afford to pay for all these hangers on too. Funny how they all disappeared when the drinks stopped appearing in front of them.
This was so long ago, and that boyfriend became my husband, and left me to deal with everything moneywise.

Over the years have met so many people who must think it's a disease to put their hands in their purse or wallet.
Have known a group of us go out for drinks, and one person always be on the the double brandy and mixer, but when it's that persons round, she mysteriously disappears, or lands the round without the mixers. All came to an end when a couple of us suggested a kitty. So much easier, and she had to put in the dough, or always pay for her own. Those on soft drinks put less in the kitty.

Going out for meals is another thing. Generally if 2 or 3 couples going out, we could split the bill 3 ways, but in larger crowds, always a disaster. I wouldn't split hairs about a couple of pounds here or there, and inevitably my meal would be cheaper, being a vegetarian. I do refuse to subsidise people who have had 3 courses to my one, who have been drinking alcohol all night, and I've been drinking water, because I'm driving. Comments were made at a gathering of about 14 people not so long ago, when I refused to pay £50. They all had starters, main courses, many having steak, seafood and puddings with wine. I had water and a pizza. I stuck to my guns and had a bill of £15....not much difference there!

Bottom line is your friend is using you, and your good nature, a good bit of tough love is what is needed. If at the end of the day, she is no longer a friend, then she was never a friend in the first place.

Netwizard

I think we have all had friends like this at some point. I certainly have had a few.

If we went away somewhere, petrol money was never paid (always needed the toilet when it came to paying and splitting the petrol money at the pumps!).

Same for food / drink, always used to disappear when it was his round at the bar.

I have lent money to "so called friends" in the past, and despite them saying numerous times they will pay it back, its never actually happened.

I give up now. I don't need these people in my life, especially since whenever I need a favour (not a financial one), but maybe help with fixing a car problem, or moving something heavy, these so called friends were always "busy".

Now I can count on one hand the amount of "true" friends I have and i'm all the more happy for it. Quality over Quantity for sure

When I add up all the money I have lent to "friends" over the years and not got back. i'm probably down by about £1,500. Not the end of the world, especially considering some of the sums of money in this thread, but its still a fair chunk.

It won't be happening again, but then again, my current friends are not p!ss takers.

tealady

Please dump this person. She is NOT a friend, she is a tight wad, a scrounger, a sponge,free loader, tight as the rear of a duck, whatever name you can think of.
Let her use someone else, you tell yourself you deserve better.