Moral dilemma estranged family

Dimey

It would be a no-brainer for me.
Go to the retreat cottage and look after your emotional self.

If you get the call to say Mum's passed away then jump in the car, drive 2 hours back to her bedside or to the family and give your respects for an hour or two. Then drive 2 hrs back to your retreat.

As you say, you've already said goodbye to your Mum. You don't have to suffer any longer with your estranged family than is necessary to politely give condolences and wish them happy lives.

Then get on planning a happy life for yourself without anyone who doesn't care about you.

pretzelnut

Do what is right for you and you only.

No one has bothered about you and your health, feelings or well being up until this point. You don't owe then anything. You don't need to stick around to make them feel better about themselves at your expense.

When all this is over, I suspect things will go back to how they were before you got the call. You can try and make up but if things are as painful as i know they can be, you will just be hurting yourself all over again.

Chloepad1

I'm going to try to be as gentle as possible, this must be a very difficult, very confusing and upsetting time for you, in the wake of a nasty divorce and now, with the knowledge that your mother, from you are estranged, is on her deathbed.

I must firstly question whether, if you do postpone your retreat, to sit by her bedside, do you still feel that there are things that you need to say to her. Even if she is comatose, she may still be able to hear you, even if she can't respond to you, do you feel that you have already said your goodbyes, or do you think that there is more that needs to be said. I would secondly question whether you want to maintain any contact with your estranged family at all, after your mother's passing and funeral, do you feel that visiting her now, may go some way towards healing a rift or is there honestly, nothing left to salvage from past relationships with your family. It may be that there is someone within your family, that you might want to stay in contact with in some kind of meaningful way and maybe at the moment, are they looking for a friendly shoulder they can cry on.

You may feel however that after all this is done, you want no future contact with them at all and that is your decision to make. I don't know the full circumstances of your estrangement from them and can only sympathise and and to let you know that I am thinking of you at this very difficult time.

If you feel that there is honestly no more to be gained by sitting with your mum as she slips away from this life, and that you probably don't want contact with your family in future, then I would probably go on the retreat, in the knowledge that you have already said goodbye to her and that you can start putting this behind you once and for all and begin the healing process.

ailuro2

I would be at the cottage.

When I stopped contact with my family I went through the feelings of grief and loss back then. One last visit would not have changed anything, I'm afraid.

If I could have changed things I would have, but you can't change your family, only your friends.

It's a crying shame, but sometimes our families just aren't good for us and we're better off without them in our lives. It's very sad, but it can't be changed.


Go if you want to, stay if you don't, it's entirely your decision.

Prothet_of_Doom

Go on holiday.

nom_de_plume

Nothing from the OP since Saturday? Hopefully she's at the cottage!

pigpen

I'd possibly see if I could go a couple of weeks later.. knowing full well at such short notice that wouldn't be possible.. then I'd go.

Say the things you need to say before you go just in case and go.

bestpud

For my mum, I'd stay, but then I get on ok with her.

If it was my toxic sister, I'd be off to the retreat without a moments hesitation.

It took me years to delete her from my life and my mind and I have no feelings for her at all anymore, so her death would mean business as usual for me.

I can see how some think that wrong, but maybe people need to have awful family members before they can really understand?

olgadapolga

bestpud wrote: »

For my mum, I'd stay, but then I get on ok with her.

If it was my toxic sister, I'd be off to the retreat without a moments hesitation.

It took me years to delete her from my life and my mind and I have no feelings for her at all anymore, so her death would mean business as usual for me.

I can see how some think that wrong, but maybe people need to have awful family members before they can really understand?

Completely understand but then I have two toxic sisters and a toxic sister-in-law. Between then they are poisonous enough to kill off most of the human race.


In the OP's position though, I would be off to the retreat.