Moral dilemma estranged family

Clutterfree

Some posters say go to the retreat, others say stay at home.
At the end of the day only YOU can make that decision as none of us will have to live with the consequences but YOU will.
Good luck.

Errata

Whether it's a two hour drive or a ten minute drive, you may not be at your mother's bedside when she dies. My stepdad died whilst I was driving home after visiting him, and I think that situation happens quite often.

Mojisola

User999 wrote: »

I don't think it's about making my peace. I'd be waiting at home for the final phone call. I feel I've said my goodbye already; shes non responsive now in a semi coma.

User999 wrote: »

I have been distant from parents and siblings for 4 years. I cut contact after a long history of being rejected and emotionally hurt by them.

Getting to the point, after a nasty divorce recently I booked a short break in an isolated cottage 2 hours drive away for myself to gather my thoughts and to start healing. I'm due to go next week.

You've said your goodbyes to your mother. All you're waiting for is notification of her death - if doesn't sound as if you're going to rush to the hospital when you get the news so what does it matter where you are when you hear it?

If you're in a vulnerable state after a divorce, the last thing you need is to put yourself in the company of people who have been consistently nasty to you in the past.

In your position, I would go. If I got the news about her death during the retreat, I would set some time aside and do whatever felt right to mark her passing.

nom_de_plume

There is no right or wrong answer. Your mother, sadly, will get nothing from any further visits. It all comes down to what you and your family will get from any contact at this sad and probably emotionally charged moment. If you feel being there for either yourself or your family will be beneficial, both in the present and the future, than perhaps you should be there. If there is unlikely to be any further contact with your family once your mother has gone, especially as you've already said your goodbyes, then maybe your planned 'me time' should take precedence.

I've seen my fair share of screwed up families and I've recently missed the chance of seeing my father for one last time so I can understand some of the dilemmas.

Only you can chose. There's some great advice upthread. Try to sort out which of that advice is actually relevant to your situation. Perhaps you could draw up 2 columns on a piece of paper. One with reasons to go to Mum and one with reasons to go on your break. Study the options before you go to bed, sleep on it and when you wake you will have the answer.

Best wishes for now and the future!

ska_lover

User999 wrote: »

I think I'm in 2 minds about going because I'm feeling compassion. I don't dislike my family anymore but I don't feel love at all.

User 999 - You have got to do what YOU feel is right, and what you know you can live with in the years to come.

None of us know what has gone on in your family, so don't listen to us, YOU are the one that is going to have to live with this descision forever - and if you make the wrong one now, you have got the rest of your life to regret it.

Do what is right, for YOU.

Good luck.

Mojisola

ska_lover wrote: »

User 999 - You have got to do what YOU feel is right, and what you know you can live with in the years to come.

None of us know what has gone on in your family, so don't listen to us, YOU are the one that is going to have to live with this descision forever - and if you make the wrong one now, you have got the rest of your life to regret it.

Do what is right, for YOU.

I don't think User will do something that a poster says just because a poster says it!

If you're unsure of what to do, it can be very useful to hear what others will do. Your own reaction to the suggestions can guide you towards what's right for you.

Judy_Judy

Sadly some families can be toxic, I've cut out a scrounging brother and an extremely toxic sister out of my life. Anything I would do would not have them or their feelings even considered. I have been and always will be there for my mum but the OP has to do what's right for her in her circumstances.

It's not for scrounging that I've cut him out but leaving his own mum broke, taking her money, then having a nice long weekend away with the wife and kids. Anyone who would take the life savings of a woman with dementia isn't worth my time or energy.

I suppose what I am trying to say base it on what's right for you and your family.

ognum

Where would you rather receive the news of you mothers death?

If you have already made peace and you don't want to visit your mother again while alive then think about where you will get the most support on receiving the news.

Many people do not have the same family dynamic as you do, you must choose the place that will offer you support and prepare you best for life without your mother, regardless of the relationship it will be different.

I do not have an answer and believe it would be impertinent to give one, only you can know where is best for you in you circumstances.

Where ever you choose and actually neither of those places may be best, I hope your mothers death is peaceful and you find peace as well.

itsanne

It would be possible to later regret going on the retreat. That would be the only reason I would suggest cancelling. If you are confident that you would not have any regrets in the future, then there is no reason not to go. You've made your peace with your mother, and whatever you do is not going to affect her outcome.

Unfortunately, I suspect you are going to feel at least a bit that you've made the wrong decision whatever you do. Once you make up your mind, try to be at peace with your decision.

aliasojo

What are your thoughts about future relations with your remaining family?

If you intend remaining 'distant' then this may not be a huge issue.

If at some point you hope things will work out and you become closer, then going on retreat now may well be one of those 'family issues' that isn't easily forgotten or worked out. It's likely other family members will not appreciate or understand the importance of this for you and will expect your Mum's situation to 'trump' (for want of a better word) all else. If you have no intention of repairing family ties then this wont matter in the least.