Moral dilemma estranged family

User999

I have been distant from parents and siblings for 4 years. I cut contact after a long history of being rejected and emotionally hurt by them. I don't want to go into detail at this time. However I made it clear that I would be there for my parents if I was needed. I just couldn't do the social visits etc.

My mother has had poor health for a few years. She's been at deaths door a few times and I only knew about these times by hearing via 3rd parties. I asked many times if I could be told directly and was ignored each time.

Now my mothers death is imminent. For the first time my family are in direct contact with me and I have been visiting for the past few days.

Getting to the point, after a nasty divorce recently I booked a short break in an isolated cottage 2 hours drive away for myself to gather my thoughts and to start healing. I'm due to go next week.


I'm torn. Do I go and think of my own needs or stay for everyone else?

Skinto_7

Do you go on holiday or be there for your Mother in her last few hours, doesnt seem like much of a dilemma to me!!id suggest you ditch the holiday!!

User999

Skinto_7 wrote: »

Do you go on holiday or be there for your Mother in her last few hours, doesnt seem like much of a dilemma to me!!id suggest you ditch the holiday!!

I hope I've given enough detail for people to be more understanding.
I've suffered terribly through the treatment given to me by my family. It's only since I cut contact and accessed counselling that I'm beginning to heal.

Macca83_2

For me I think my mother's ill health would be the priority, but then I have a good relationship with my Mum.

I cannot make the decision for you but I will say this, the next 7 days you will only get once. You can't replay them or change them. If Mum was to go in this time and you spent it at the cottage, could you deal with your own 'what ifs?'

skintandscared_2

User999 wrote: »

I hope I've given enough detail for people to be more understanding.
I've suffered terribly through the treatment given to me by my family. It's only since I cut contact and accessed counselling that I'm beginning to heal.

Do whatever you can live with. If you can live with not making your peace with your mother before she dies, go on holiday. Part of you must wonder if that's something you need to do in your healing process, or you wouldn't be asking this question at all. Sometimes doors have to be closed properly or they will always be left ajar.

User999

skintandscared wrote: »

Do whatever you can live with. If you can live with not making your peace with your mother before she dies, go on holiday. Part of you must wonder if that's something you need to do in your healing process, or you wouldn't be asking this question at all. Sometimes doors have to be closed properly or they will always be left ajar.

I don't think it's about making my peace. I'd be waiting at home for the final phone call. I feel I've said my goodbye already; shes non responsive now in a semi coma.

User999

Can I stress please that it's a retreat and not a holiday

Skinto_7

the fact you are asking the question would hint that you are unsure what to do, on that basis i would be weighing up what could i live with more, the regret of missing out on going to a retreat, or the regret of not being there for your mother when she passes. I suppose only you can decide.

skintandscared_2

User999 wrote: »

I don't think it's about making my peace. I'd be waiting at home for the final phone call. I feel I've said my goodbye already; shes non responsive now in a semi coma.

Well why are you asking a bunch of strangers on an internet forum then? Why not just go? Where is the moral dilemma?

LondonDiva

User999 wrote: »

My mother has had poor health for a few years. She's been at deaths door a few times and I only knew about these times by hearing via 3rd parties. I asked many times if I could be told directly and was ignored each time.

They have made contact now the end is near, so clearly believed that you were only interested in cases in extremis rather than her day to day wellbeing.

To be honest, if you were aware that your mother's been in poor health for some time and were interested in getting updates, I'd be expecting you to make the effort to find out rather than expecting someone to make contact with you. Communication works both ways.

FBaby

How can anyone advise you? If what you want to know is what is the right thing to do, most will say to be available to go to her when she is about to die. However, this is about your feelings, taking into consideration your past. We don't know how you feel or what resentment you have been led to have.

To be honest, it comes across as if what you want to do is go to the retreat, but a little voice is telling you that it is wrong and you need reassurance that it is ok to go. There is no right or wrong answers, just think of the consequences of both and what would be the most difficult to deal with. How angry would you be if you did go to the retreat, how guilty would you feel if you did go and she died there, how would you deal with the potential anger from your family that you were not there.