Moral dilemma estranged family

Rottensocks

User999 wrote: »

Can I stress please that it's a retreat and not a holiday

I don't doubt the extent of your pain and suffering, but I suppose when you are at such pains to stress the nature of the break (not a holiday, as above) it sort of reinforces the feeling that on some level, you feel a bit guilty about it and don't want people to think badly about your choices.

People disapprove of all sorts of decisions without a: a right to or b: the entire information, so really you can't escape others in your family reaching certain conclusions if you go on your retreat. You will have to take that on the chin if that's the decision you make, I guess.

You should look to the living (i.e. yourself) and do what's right for you. Ultimately though, what seems right just now may not be what *is* right.....

You already say how much healing you have to do....that is not going to be fixed by a short term retreat, so my advice would be gird your loins, grit your teeth, see your mother off and rebook your retreat: changes are you will have wider questions from the death of your mother and deeper healing to undergo if you postpone it anyway.

The cottage retreat will still be available after your mother.

User999

To epsom oldie and lagoon

Many thanks

User999

Thank you for the kind replies

EpsomOldie

Post deleted - no longer relevant. EO

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Go heal User99.

Mr_Toad

As you say above you're already hurting and the rest of the family are laughing about past, painful events.

Whatever you do will be wrong in someones eyes and being there can't help your Mum even if she knew you were there.

Some people firmly believe in family above all else. You know the reality is somewhat different.

Go to the retreat and save yourself.

Lifeforms

The only way I could see myself doing it, would be if my being there would comfort others. You don't know the future will hold, and you don't know if those you are estranged from will suddenly have a light bulb moment and want more contact. Removing yourself from the time of her death, and subsequent funeral/wake proceedings after might put the final nail in the coffin of any reunion of the future. You will never be able to justify the "Well mum was *dying* and you left to go on your *holidays*, you didn't come to the funeral/wake". That is pretty powerful to others, so you need to be at absolute comfort with going away instead. It's yet more emotional blackmail, but sometimes in life we just do things we don't necessarily want to, to appease. You have fought your family war, this is the interlude section.
This might be the one time you need to. After that you can always move on with your own life with or without more contact.

I don't know what I'd do, but for family sake, whether I like them or not, I'd probably think I should stick close. Thus said in regards to my family there are members who simply will not be told till after funerals are done, so taking that choice away from them to make. I don't think there is a right or wrong, just what you feel better with doing, and whether you want to potentially stop any future animosity with it. You don't need to do it for love.

marisco_2

User999 wrote: »

Can I stress please that it's a retreat and not a holiday

Could you not phone the people who run the retreat and explain your current circumstances? I am sure they would be compassionate and try to accommodate your visit to them at another time. You would probably benefit far more from the retreat experience, if you went once things in your personal life have settled down again. I am so sorry for all that you are facing. I hope you have friends nearby who can offer you some support through this difficult and stressful time? Thinking of you.

Dunroamin

I think that you should be prepared to go to your mother, not for your awful family's sake but for your own. You know that it's the right thing to do and you'll be the one who has to live with yourself if you don't do it.

Mr_Toad

To use Marisco's sig which says it all.

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

Go to the retreat.