Moral dilemma estranged family

ecgirl07

User999 wrote: »

I don't think it's about making my peace. I'd be waiting at home for the final phone call. I feel I've said my goodbye already; shes non responsive now in a semi coma.

Sounds like this is not now about your mother, as you have made whatever peace you can, its about the relationship with the rest of your family.

After your mothers funeral and her estate settled do you want to have a relationship with the rest of the family or will you go back to being estranged? If its the former then you may want to be around and not go on retreat if its the latter and you have made peace then go on retreat.

spirit

I totally get where you are coming from OP. I haven't spoken to my mother for 12 years now (long story too) and might be in your position any time soon.

Is there any way you can defer your retreat for a couple of weeks? How would you feel if she passed when you weren't there?

User999

To londondiva, believe me I've tried since I was a young girl to fit in with my family. I forgave every time I was shut out and rejected and every time the hand or belt was lashed out at me. I've tried and tried until my heart broke.

Kayalana99

2hours drive...its not exactly *that* far...if your simply going to be at home waiting for a phonecall can't you go to your retreat and come back if it happens?

Might sound insenstive but same time we don't choose our family and you choose not to stay in contact...its whether or not you would feel guilty I guess after what they've done to you to make you not want to see them anymore

Lagoon

I will say that from my point of view, as someone that's also cut contact with my family, I would be continuing my life as normal.

I don't know your relationship with your siblings, but in my case I would send them a text to let them know I was there for them, but that would be as far as I would personally go.

We cut people out of our lives for very good reason, not to go tumbling back in at 'important bits'. It does sound like your mother is as good as gone, and whilst that's very sad it means that this whole dilemma is tied to the people left behind. What have they done that's suddenly made it worth damaging yourself more, other than lost a family member?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

If you are there at home waiting, and you do the supposedly honourable thing, do you think this will change anything for the better?

EpsomOldie

Dear User999

As someone who is also estranged - for similar reasons - from my sister who is my only family, I feel for you. Two of my friends also have situations like yours so it's not as unusual as folk might think. I can imagine those reading this who have 'normal' family relationships cannot begin to imagine how toxic others' families can be. I'm sure it was a long and difficult process before you decided to cut ties with your family and I really do understand.

I have long believed that peace of mind is the greatest, in fact the only, thing worth having. Without it, nothing else matters.

Given that you want to keep the promise you made to yourself and your parents, I agree that you have a dilemma especially when you factor in how important the break (holiday? pah!) is to help you start to put your life back together.

On a practical note:

How far away are you from your mother, i.e. how long would the journey take? Do you have your own transport or are you reliant on public transport? You say the cottage is 2 hours away from home...does your mother live in the same town as you and does that therefore mean you're 2 hours drive from your mother when (if) you get the call? If you stayed at home, how long would it take you to get there?

Is your mother likey to be in a hospital/hospice or at home when she dies?

I ask because a couple of things occur to me. The other family have shown in the past that they're unlikely to contact you when your mother's death is imminent. Do you expect to learn through third parties again? Or if she's in a hospital/hospice, will the staff call you? If the latter, please explain the estrangement issue to the staff and ask them to contact you directly - tell them to use your mobile - rather than assume you will be told via other family. They are used to family 'issues' so they won't think anything of it. Also explain - if you decide to go to the cottage, that you are a couple of hours away so to tell you as soon as they think her death is imminent.

If she's at home, how likely is the third party to contact you quickly after hearing themselves?

Other things that occur to me are:

The other family members might (forgive me if this sounds blunt) deliberately not tell you - or the third parties - of the death until afterwards out of spite. And therefore your staying at home would be futile.

If you do stay at home, you might still not get there 'in time' when your hear that she's not got long.

Once you have visited her (whether it's before or after she dies), given your relationship with the family, you're likely to come home again rather than hang out with them, so if you were to go to the cottage, you'll only lose a day or so rather than the whole break.

I know what I'd do but ultimately it's your decision. I urge you however to do what you think is right for you and your peace of mind not only now but in the future.

Don't let others persuade you or guilt-trip you into doing something because it's their perceived 'right' thing to do. Be true to yourself. You sound a decent person otherwise you wouldn't have the dilemma.

I'm sorry you've been through the mill with the divorce - please take care of yourself - a wonderful future is waiting for you.

EO x

EpsomOldie

User999 wrote: »

I don't think it's about making my peace. I'd be waiting at home for the final phone call. I feel I've said my goodbye already; shes non responsive now in a semi coma.

I've just read messages that have been posted while I was writing. Blimey - all this tosh about family (said in best Peggy Mitchell tones).

I fully appreciate how precious most people's families are to them, but please believe that some families are very, very different: not just ups and downs and fallings out, but truly poisonous.

User999, if you've already said goodbye and she's in a non-responsive coma, I believe you've honoured your promise. Take care.

EOx

74jax

I think the fact you need reassurance its ok to go, means you're in two minds. If you really don't know then I would stay, you can go away another time.

Do you have friends who are in a better position to offer their advice? Knowing the full situation better than we do?

And please don't feel I'm not being understanding, in your position I would chose my holiday, but that is because I really dislike my mother and she wouldn't give two hoots if I was there or not. I'm only saying for you to stay as you don't seem 100% happy at going.

User999

74jax wrote: »

I think the fact you need reassurance its ok to go, means you're in two minds. If you really don't know then I would stay, you can go away another time.

Do you have friends who are in a better position to offer their advice? Knowing the full situation better than we do?

And please don't feel I'm not being understanding, in your position I would chose my holiday, but that is because I really dislike my mother and she wouldn't give two hoots if I was there or not. I'm only saying for you to stay as you don't seem 100% happy at going.

I think I'm in 2 minds about going because I'm feeling compassion. I don't dislike my family anymore but I don't feel love at all.