How can I help them...

princessdon

sovilla wrote: »

She trashed the house because she was upset and frustrated. It's not something she does regular. Do you think I would let her look after my children if I thought she would hurt them.

My 9 year old has an extremely good relationship with her grandparents, just because they have lived in another country doesn't mean they don't know here. We have visited a few times and they spoke over Skype nearly every night.

They have both looked after all 5 children for 2 weeks while we were on honeymoon at the beginning of August. So I have no worries in that sense.

Sending the 9 year old to live with them was hopefully going to kill 2 birds with one stone. She gets the peace and ability to have time on her own and my parents in law get a little bit more help.

I guess they are just going to have to move in with us in October and we just see what happens from there.

So she's fine to work (or surely you'd not risk your children), so she works 30 hours and gets in work benefits.

You can't argue she's too fragile to work part time but OK to have a damaged and healing child full time
Can your FIL teach guitar part time?

nimbo

sovilla wrote: »

She trashed the house because she was upset and frustrated. It's not something she does regular. Do you think I would let her look after my children if I thought she would hurt them.

My 9 year old has an extremely good relationship with her grandparents, just because they have lived in another country doesn't mean they don't know here. We have visited a few times and they spoke over Skype nearly every night.

They have both looked after all 5 children for 2 weeks while we were on honeymoon at the beginning of August. So I have no worries in that sense.

Sending the 9 year old to live with them was hopefully going to kill 2 birds with one stone. She gets the peace and ability to have time on her own and my parents in law get a little bit more help.

I guess they are just going to have to move in with us in October and we just see what happens from there.

OK so the social worker in training is coming out of me - your going to take an emotionally damaged 9 year old - who's mother wouldn't leave her abusive partner to protect her children. Who was then moved to live with her father, and step mother, remove her from her siblings (who may be annoying, but they are still HER SIBLINGS), an move her into a house with an incredibly stressed, and emotionally drained woman who is caring for her partner who has the early stages of dementia - where you feel she will get peace and quiet... (because Granny trashing the house while severely depressed, and stressed is CLEARLY only ever going to happen once - oh and the dementia will be getting better not worse in this reality)....

This is NOT a good idea - social services would have to be involved, as it is a form of private fostering (incidentally with no form of payment attached - so don't be getting your hopes up there). If a case like this crossed my desk on placement I would be despairing. Also this will be another form of stress for Granny, and the children as SS will be speaking to them all...

Granny and Grandpa need to speak to social services - call them on Tuesday. They need to be assessed, they need to put their name on the council house waiting list, and they need to gather evidence of Grandpa's issues, as well as any Granny can bring to the table. They need to be applying for sheltered accommodation to ensure Grandpa's safety. Your daughter cannot live in a house with an older person who may forget to turn off the cooker, and in sheltered accommodation which he will clearly need soon if not now she will clearly be too young. (incidentally to the poster earlier any one over 50 is classed as an 'older person' at university we personally find this to be crazy, as it encompasses many of our lecturers who really aren't old at all, but we don't make the rules).

if you feels she needs space - get a bigger house, DO NOT move her from pillar to post to suit your needs, even if you think this is good for her - she needs to form bonds with people who will remain constant in her life, and be there fer her no matter what (you have become her primary carer to be moved again is psychologically damaging long term). In years to come, she could come to think - why did they move me out, coupled with the fact she has already been abused, this could be catastrophic. she may like peace and quiet, but don't make her feel like the outsider...

I think you need to seriously look at what you have been suggesting - the ideas seem to be rather far fetched, and should bring you to the attention of ss (not that ss are bad, but they would be intrusive, and stressful for the children).

good luck.

Dunroamin

nimbo wrote: »

OK so the social worker in training is coming out of me - your going to take an emotionally damaged 9 year old - who's mother wouldn't leave her abusive partner to protect her children. Who was then moved to live with her father, and step mother, remove her from her siblings (who may be annoying, but they are still HER SIBLINGS), an move her into a house with an incredibly stressed, and emotionally drained woman who is caring for her partner who has the early stages of dementia - where you feel she will get peace and quiet... (because Granny trashing the house while severely depressed, and stressed is CLEARLY only ever going to happen once - oh and the dementia will be getting better not worse in this reality)....

This is NOT a good idea - social services would have to be involved, as it is a form of private fostering (incidentally with no form of payment attached - so don't be getting your hopes up there). If a case like this crossed my desk on placement I would be despairing. Also this will be another form of stress for Granny, and the children as SS will be speaking to them all...

Granny and Grandpa need to speak to social services - call them on Tuesday. They need to be assessed, they need to put their name on the council house waiting list, and they need to gather evidence of Grandpa's issues, as well as any Granny can bring to the table. They need to be applying for sheltered accommodation to ensure Grandpa's safety. Your daughter cannot live in a house with an older person who may forget to turn off the cooker, and in sheltered accommodation which he will clearly need soon if not now she will clearly be too young. (incidentally to the poster earlier any one over 50 is classed as an 'older person' at university we personally find this to be crazy, as it encompasses many of our lecturers who really aren't old at all, but we don't make the rules).

if you feels she needs space - get a bigger house, DO NOT move her from pillar to post to suit your needs, even if you think this is good for her - she needs to form bonds with people who will remain constant in her life, and be there fer her no matter what (you have become her primary carer to be moved again is psychologically damaging long term). In years to come, she could come to think - why did they move me out, coupled with the fact she has already been abused, this could be catastrophic. she may like peace and quiet, but don't make her feel like the outsider...

I think you need to seriously look at what you have been suggesting - the ideas seem to be rather far fetched, and should bring you to the attention of ss (not that ss are bad, but they would be intrusive, and stressful for the children).

good luck.

You're getting good at this social work malarky!:):T:T

esmy

'..... social services would have to be involved, as it is a form of private fostering (incidentally with no form of payment attached - so don't be getting your hopes up there). If a case like this crossed my desk on placement I would be despairing. Also this will be another form of stress for Granny, and the children as SS will be speaking to them all...

Granny and Grandpa need to speak to social services - call them on Tuesday. They need to be assessed, they need to put their name on the council house waiting list, and they need to gather evidence of Grandpa's issues, as well as any Granny can bring to the table.'

Although I agree this isn't a good idea, it is not correct that this would be a private fostering placement - close relatives are not considered to be private foster carers and no assessment would be needed from Social Services.

sovilla

Deleted...

SandraScarlett

I can't help you with your housing problems, but can I just write as someone whose husband has Alzheimers? A couple of years ago, or less, I could cope with his Dementia, and it was fine to leave him, on his own, for several hours a day, if I was going out.

Over the course of the next 6 months, he deteriorated rapidly, to the extent that I couldn't leave him for 5 minutes, after he'd forgotten that he'd left a saucepan on the cooker on one day, flooded the kitchen on another, locked himself out, took the dog to the park, then forgot he had a dog ..................

The last year has been hell, and I don't recognise the man I met nearly 50 years ago. I no longer feel married but I am not a widow. I refer to myself as a "midow". He attends a club for a few hours, a few days a week, but I am in a bad way when we have a bank holiday weekend, like now, and the club is shut. He has recently been assessed as being at Stage 6 of Alzheimers. There are 7 stages.

I hope your FIL does not reach the stage my husband has, for a long time, but there is no time scale as to when this illness moves on to the next stage, and, alas, there is no cure.

I wouldn't leave my grandchildren alone with my DH for a minute, and am amazed your husband felt that his father could look after 5 children, including a young and totally dependent baby, for 2 weeks, even with the help of your MIL. My husband cannot stand loud noises, and changes to his routine agitate him.

It might be in your FIL's best interests if you contacted Social Services and arranged for his needs to be assessed, which might result in them arranging a care package, including some housing suggestions.

I think you're amazing taking on such a huge family, and I'm not criticising you in any way, just pointing out the sad progression of Dementia.

I wish you and your family well.:)

xx

Errata

Sending the 9 year old to live with them was hopefully going to kill 2 birds with one stone. She gets the peace and ability to have time on her own and my parents in law get a little bit more help.

More help? You mean more money! And if the birds are of equal weight then you're using the life of a child for monetary gain.

margaretclare

I agree with Sandra (for whom I have the utmost sympathy).

It's not the same type of situation, but in the mid-70s my MIL came to live with my first husband and me. Alzheimer's wasn't talked about much then, in fact, all that was ever said was that 'old people got a bit funny and you had to humour them'. Incredible as that sounds now.

We should have been warned, especially when we'd go to Eastbourne to visit her and immediately we arrived home to West Yorkshire, there'd be a letter from her upbraiding him for never coming to see her.

Suffice to say...

I totally agree with Sandra. Nowadays it is well known that any change of scene, routine, anything at all, is possibly the worst thing for an Alzheimer's sufferer to cope with, and they can react badly and in unpredictable ways. Our children - MIL's grandchildren - weren't recognised as her own relatives. When we all went away on holiday thinking that was a good idea - she suggested it - it was a disaster. And so on. We were in the dark, not knowing what we were coping with. Nowadays at least, the different types of dementia are recognised and documented, and there is help and advice out there, although, goodness knows, not enough. But I certainly wouldn't put any child to live with a sufferer and his spouse. Too much for all 3 of them to cope with, and the child...

Words fail me.

Dunroamin

sovilla wrote: »

And what if she wanted to go, but we were being the horrible parents because we wont let her.

You have no idea of our family situation or what goes on in our home. Its alright saying go and get a bigger home, it doesnt work that way. Things are not that easy. We cannot get a bigger home, we are tied in to our current contract for another year, then we would have to find the money to move, the extra money in bills and probably having to move out of our area and moving the children from their school becasue there are no bigger houses in this area.

You guys all slate me because im trying to help my parents in law and my step daughter. I never said I was good at this, I went from 0 children to 5 in the space of a year and I think ive done brilliant job of being there mum and being there for them. Not many people would have taken on this much or been able to cope with it all.

But I forgot all you lot are perfect arnt you!

But you are the parents and you cannot allow a disturbed 9 year old child make a decision like that!

If you want to help your f e c kless parents in law, as I said before, give them the benefits you receive for the child but keep the child with the family.

seven-day-weekend

I agree with Sandra Scarlett, Margaret Clare and Dunroamin, sending a disturbed nine-year-old to live with a potential dementia sufferer and his wife who can't manage their own affairs is the worst possible thing you can do.

She is too young to make these decisions. Can't you get a screen for the bedroom she shares and tell the other children that it is her private space and they are not to go in other than by invitation?

And as Dunroamin says, give your inlaws the money?

I think you are very kind, taking on all those children and now wanting to help your inlaws, but you need to do it in a planned way looking to the long-term and not just react to circumstances.