Relationship getting unbearable-need advice

elsien

If he hasn't found a job he's passionate about by his late thirties, he's never going to. That's an attitude people hold in their earlier years before reality and the need to eat kicks in.
What is it about your job that is difficult at the moment. Is it the actual work that you do, or specific issues with the company/workplace?
I mostly like my job, but find it very stressful at times. But that's the nature of the job. I could choose to drop some pay and responsibility, but I don't want to lose the money or the flexibility - thats a trade off I choose to make. What are the pros and cons of yours?

DKLS

redrose9 wrote: »

In terms of my job looking inside I don't know what it is I want to do and things at work has made me more anxious so just trying to find other admin role. I'm in my latter 30s as is he. I don't know many people who are doing their dream job either.

Right now I'm stressed with work on finding job inside company and dealing with bf who is volunteering and helping himself get better. Whilst I'm doing best to hold together I feel it's becoming difficult.

I think you need to separate the two issues of your career and his non existent career.

Is the volunteering likely to lead to a job or is it a convenient excuse for not working, is he still job hunting whilst volunteering?

He does sound like a spoilt kid who needs someone to tell him to MTFU and not hold his hand and tell him it will get better.

fozziebeartoo

Oh my goodness......I had imagined you were both late teens/early twenties.

:eek:

There comes a time when you have to stop letting people drag you down.

My marriage ended after 30+ years when I finally realised that.

And my ex wasnt even 1/2 as useless and controlling as your chap is!! In fact he was a almost (but not quite) a veritable :A cotrolled to your manipulative fella.

Cut the ties and set yourself free.

Or you will be writing/feeling/saying the same things in 10 or 20 years.

And think how terrible that would be.

redrose9 wrote: »

In terms of my job looking inside I don't know what it is I want to do and things at work has made me more anxious so just trying to find other admin role. I'm in my latter 30s as is he. I don't know many people who are doing their dream job either.

Right now I'm stressed with work on finding job inside company and dealing with bf who is volunteering and helping himself get better. Whilst I'm doing best to hold together I feel it's becoming difficult.

Hopefully some light end of tunnel. Thanks everyone for your support, I'm grateful my work philosophy is shared

redrose9

elsien wrote: »

If he hasn't found a job he's passionate about by his late thirties, he's never going to. That's an attitude people hold in their earlier years before reality and the need to eat kicks in.
What is it about your job that is difficult at the moment. Is it the actual work that you do, or specific issues with the company/workplace?
I mostly like my job, but find it very stressful at times. But that's the nature of the job. I could choose to drop some pay and responsibility, but I don't want to lose the money or the flexibility - thats a trade off I choose to make. What are the pros and cons of yours?

At the moment work is tense in terms of atmosphere. Manager is getting someone in to look after him whilst I continue looking at positions. But he is keeping me on to look after rest of team. I haven't handed notice or found position but he is getting someone in possibly months time. I can understand from business side but have found relationship deteriorated and I've been shoved aside. Awaiting on couple roles interviewed for, he supports the mobility and reassures me I won't be without job, but I feel tense trying to keep together.

As admin I like organising and most my friends in that group have gone so people side not as good. I'm trying to be positive for now.

redrose9

DKLS wrote: »

I think you need to separate the two issues of your career and his non existent career.

Is the volunteering likely to lead to a job or is it a convenient excuse for not working, is he still job hunting whilst volunteering?

He does sound like a spoilt kid who needs someone to tell him to MTFU and not hold his hand and tell him it will get better.

The volunteering has given experience and off back of that he applied for a paid role in other company but so far not heard but should be his focus and he isn't that

BugglyB

Chuck him out! Make him leave. Oh my goodness. Just do it. DO IT.

And dont take that crap about passion. Do whatever you want for work. Personally my passions are all outside the workplace with my hobbies and my friends and my husband and my interests.

Work pays my bills, its not my life. I dont feel less of a person because I'm not a nature photographer or a travelling banjo player. I'm a middle manager in a corporate firm, its boring and I'm not ashamed of that

BitterAndTwisted

The holding out and wanting "to do something you're passionate about" is usually the reserve of those quite recently graduated before the light-bulb moment, not some idle waster in his mid-thirties!

His volunteering is most likely a condition of his JSA and not necessarily done out of pure altruism or an eye on the career far-horizon.

Do you really fancy supporting this utter wally until you're in your fifties or beyond? Because if you don't put an end to it soon, that's what you'll be getting.

I'm utterly aghast at his lack of respect for criticising what you do to keep both bodies and souls together while contributing absolutely zero. The ruddy nerve!

paulineb_2

redrose9 wrote: »

The volunteering has given experience and off back of that he applied for a paid role in other company but so far not heard but should be his focus and he isn't that

Is he getting JSA? Does he suffer from depression?

What do you want out of this relationship? You cant say what should be someones focus, his focus is his own issue, the bigger issue is that you are subsidising him.

Id also like to say that I do know people who struggled to find work for a long period in their 20s and were in a relationship but didnt ask anything financially from that person. And the people I know are working full time now, but sometimes it does take a change of career, extra study to get into something you want to do and it doesnt always happen in your early or even mid 20s.

Everyones circumstances are different. Its also not that easy in this economic climate to get paid work.

I struggled for years and Im educated with a degree and a couple of post grads.

I also changed career when I was 41 and Im much worse off financially than I was when I was doing my last full time job, but Im happier for it.

I dont have anyone else to think about, my decisions affect me and me only.

But a relationship doesnt deteriorate overnight. How long has this situation been going on? Months? Years?

And when I did voluntary work, around 3 years ago, it wasnt a condition of me getting JSA, nor was any other course I did, it was me who pushed to do it because I wanted to find other skills.

justme111

Sleeping on the streets is not the end of the life. One of solicitors I dealt with had a patch of it in his young years. May do your partner good. You sound like facilitator in his lifestyle.

Mrs_Optimist

Oh dear - what a sad state of affairs.

All I will say is this piece of wisdom

"60 seconds of sadness is one minute of happiness wasted".

It sounds like you have wasted a lot of happiness. Trust yourself, you know more than you think you do.